from nothing back to nothing

what can be observed about death in this world?

That beings DIE and they are no more, they no longer exist - and then new beings are born who seem to come out of nowhere

How was life controlled on earth?

Through hopes and beliefs about what death actually represents

Beings would speak of a White Light, when having near death-expereinces and expereince themselves floating 'out of their bodies'

Through these and other accounts, perceptions were created - that apparently there exists something 'greater'

Human beings have allways remained in the belief that they cannot possibly be deceived about DEATH

but look, we come in this world and we don't know who the fuck we are

Then we live our lives, knowing that one day we will die

This are the only facts we have

Yet, we have claimed that we could not be deceived,

pretending to know what is going on in this existence

Based on what?

On a STORY ?

On good luck?

Have we ever been honest about death?

Why we really fear it ?

Have a look...

What do we know about death ?

Beings seem to disappear, to vanish from existence and this is called death

And then there are all the new beings that are born into this world - they seem to appear out of nothing

So, in death we return to NOTHINGNESS

and out of NOTHINGNESS the new are born in this world...

how INTERESTING

Would it not make sense that in death ALL and EVERYTHING that you have believed yourself to be within this world, is LOST ?

Would it not make sense that what we have designed ourselves to be as human beings in this world

is actually NOT REAL ?

declining a blowjob and more...

i had a dream where i was peeing - it looked like i was in my old student building - in a sink and a girl (a former neighbor from when i was a kid - wtf was she doing there !) appeared next to me and while i continued peeing, she asked me if i could help her with something, implying i would have to come with hr to her room - a casual thing she couldn't do by herself alone - and because i didn't immediately responded, she added:"I can give you a blowjob too." and she was looking at my penis - and i started getting excited by the idea and considering it, but then LO and BEHOLD, i declined because i experienced being directed by something separate from me, the arousal that was kicking in. she also said something that i had a beautifull penis or something, which is interesting, because the day before i did sf on the point of seeing the real phisicality as imperfect (in terms of how it looks and the odor of it) and pictures of bodies as perfect

so nothing happened in that particular dream

but then i woke up with wet pants anyways - whats that for ? though wet pants is the tactic my body uses to get me out of bed (to wake up) after i had enough sleep, yes it happens a LOT of times

did i have another dream or something? i don't even remember

so, because i woke up at three in the morning i decided to take a bath and wait for the sun to come up, i fell asleep for short moments in the bath though, and then i go t out after some dilemma - (the last point where i fell asleep, i was lying on my left side, totally uncomfortable, because i "wanted to roll myself sideways" - such mindbullshit) - so then i had breakfast: kellogs with sugar. this was a cool cange because i do every morning the same (brown bread with whatever on it, mostly cheese and mustard - allways actually)

yesterday we started watching V for vendetta and i totally fell asleep it was not even 21 h when we started watching. at one point i woke up in the sofa and i thought bernard was talking to me, but he was actually talking to the portal who was sitting behind me, i felt shaken because he said: "NOT EFFECTIVE" - with his eyes piercing in my direction - and in my sleepy confusion i thought he was saying i was ineffective in staying awake, so i started sitting straight and all and keeping my eyes open, but off course i immediately fell asleep again

i woke up again when the film was done - i was like, hmmm, thats deep sleep and went off to bed - so i slept some two hours in the couch already which caused me to wake up at 3 am in the morning

before v for vendetta we watched another film about a guy who totally fucks up - that was cool for a change, like he makes the one fuck up after the other and everybody gets killed except him

how i allowed money to influence and control me

how i compromised myself with regards to money

i allways have been telling a story about why i stopped drawing and how i would then start witing - having still many idea's about this

but what i could see yesterday, is that it was because of money

i was in fear that if i wasn't good enough, i would never be able to make money out of my drawings

i seemed to believe and take for granted that with my drawings i could make a lot of money, but in order for this to be true i believed i had to be the best - what happened is i met people in my life that proved to me that i wasnt the best, far from it - i started seeing myself as an averge drawer amongst the real talents, and they had it all together: obviously those guys would make money

so when people would start critisizing my drawings (not iteresting/original enough), it wasnt merely a blow to my ego, but also it destroyed my wish an hope that i woud be ale to make money out of my drawings - so i develloped an anger towards art, seeing it as worthless and totally useless

what motivated me to start and continue writing, was people giving me much credit for te stories i wrote - i was at the time reading the one book after the other from a belgian/flemish writer (herman brusselmans), who basically lived from writing his books and would in his autobiographical novels describe his lifestyle, which stirred my imagination tremedously. i wanted the same thing: writing to make money and not needing to have a job, apart from the writing, to sustain me.

so what needed to happen was: one summer i had spend all my days in writing a novel - it wasnt my first 'attempt', but this time i had the entire storyline figured out and i only needed to actually write it - and i already had received 'positive support'on this particular 'novel to be' which hade made me totally believe this time it would be it. this time i would actually publish a book and i would get famous enough to make me money. so what happened was at one point i send the novel to two people (not finished yet) - different people than those who had given me the 'good support' - and they both reacted in disappointment. i felt torn in the core of my being and i abandoned the project. my hope was now defintely dead - i disnt see 'a way out' for a while, as in: how will i now SURVIVE in this world - i resented work, so for me to have to actually take a job was worse than death.

so neither the drawing nor the writing i did for me, so it was interesting that the few tims i actually wrote something cool, it had been from a more innocent (with regards to the money desire) startingpoint, for instance in an email to someone, with not even the intention of keeping or saving what i wrote - interstingly enough i could not repeat this, because of the compromise in my startingpoint: the desire to eventually make money out of everything i wrote

so the soil from which i was attempting to create, was fear - fear that one day i would have no money

SELF Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define ‘self’ as the individual self

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this reality as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire physically manifested earth as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire consciousness existence as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define humanity as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not see that self is ALL as ONE as EQUALL as what is and exist HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and understand that HERE is Self as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this world is greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the world as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the universe as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as separate and powerless and lost as ‘ a part of existance’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize there ARE NO PARTS OF EXISTANCE and ALL IS EQUALL AS ONE HERE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe separation is REAL

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to remain separate but thjis is impossible and purte denial as I am ALREADY HERE as all as equall as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize individuals don’t exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to LIVE myself as my own principle as LIFE as who I am as ALL as EQUALL as one as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I can stop existing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to never realize I who I am can NEVER stop existing

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that all is ME

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up as all as equall as one

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see standing up as me – as the separate individual standing up within the multidude of existence

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe differences exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think appearances exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think the mind exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think multitude exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think diversity exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself §to believe competition exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that power exist as a fragment of this reality

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think different realities exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that fragmentation exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that parts exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe power can be experienced within this reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that power is when ALL is LIVED as ONE and EQUALL as ONE – as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that power is when ALL stand and LIVE as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the mind is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the unified field is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that perceptions are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that personality is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that thoughts are totally asurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ‘living your own life as an individual’ is a lie and totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself and to actually buy into the illusions of the mind that only knows of fear and fear and fear and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the ESSENCE is ALL as EQUALL as ONE as LIVED as ONE as all as EQUALL HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mysery is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that if all IS one as equall than hiding is absurd – because who am I even hiding from ?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make a picture in my mind of oneness and equality – not realizing that ALL is HERE as ALL as EQUALL as HERE as everything that IS

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ONLY all as equall as ONE is REAL

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that fear is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that anxiety isd totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed msyelmf to realize that desires are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that memories are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that SURVIVING is TOTALLY ABSURD

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that definitions are fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that believing in god is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that HOPING is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that identities are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that who I have perceived myself to be as ‘apart and an element of this world is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that what I thought myself to be is as absurd as absurd can be

I forgive myself that I have never – ever allowed myself to for a moment even see that anger is – wow – totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that relationships are totally absurd and a totall fuck up

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that ‘being lost’ is totally absurd and cannot possibly be real

WTF

im weird

like confused about all the stuff i heard about sa

many shit going on with people - im also angry a bit because it seems some people have flatly deceived themselves

like what the fok have they been doing?

also im like the only one holding back with my father atm - i have fuck all to say to my mother

she is just messing around deceiving everyone doing self forgiveness

i have still pains going on in my intestins

people go - oh why should i even stop my mind?

wtf is even wrong with it?

people speak fokking cheap and easy words - real hero's but doing NOTHING

oh my little world !

oh i will lose thius or this ! - oh someone got angry with me- i cannot take it - oh let me sit here in self pitty in my PIT of PITTY where i spit on myself

i rather NOT exist than have a glimse of what it is to LIVE - I rather smile than cry the dirt out of my SElf - i rather look ok than to break down and others see i AM NOT EVEN REAL

what will it TAKE ? - what will it take for all to see you are NOT REAL ? WILL YOU WAIT UNTILL YOU ARE FOKKING DEAD? WILL YOU STAND UP IN THE DIMENSIONS ? OH I RATHER DO FOKKING NOTHING AND JUST FOKKING OBSERVE !!!!!!

WHAT A FOKKING DISGRACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to all those who dont even bother - FOK YOU - GO MASTURBATE IN YOUR DREAMWORLD

conscioussness

ok im pissed?

why?

too much thoughts driving me UP THE WALL

this moring too many shit came up and i could deal with it, but now i feel like shit

secrets is one point - i dont want to let go of secrets, fokking bastard

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to hide stuff from people

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel guilty over having secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to not trust myself and judge myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to rather keep some stuff to myself and handle it off secretly because i fear what others might think

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist in a public way and a secret way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to participate in secrets as secret thoughts and desires

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear people seeing my shit going on for real

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be ashamed of my blog and what i wrote on it because of what people may see me for

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to constantly compare to others - wondering if im not behind or somethging in process, wondering if i didnt miss a transcendence somewhere that makes me less than this person

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel restrained within msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to supress msyelf for the sake of others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as doing the same as others - going along with the fokking crowd - so they wouldnt feel weird about what they're doing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to compromise in the presense of my mother because of fear of hurting her feelings

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my mother and define this being as my mother who i owe respect

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my fathr because he is my father and i therefore owe him repsect

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as hiding myself - what i see in others as what they're actually doing - and remain silent about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as letting things pass to not hurt people's feelings

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never trust myself and respect msyelf as all life equally - all equall and no exceptions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need to be diffrerent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel i can keep bullshitting myself without consequence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel unsecure

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel totally insecure about writing sf on this blog right here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to feel stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as stupid

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to present myself as stable as a presentation - not real so therefore it has to go bye bye

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have interests for me my selfish alone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that who i am is the secrets i keep and consist off

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to consist of secrets

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to keep stuff hidden to others as msyelf out of shame and embarrassement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let msyelf be tricked by secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to present msyelf in a way to others - so if they believe this presentation - i can become it !

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not evens ee this presentation is an illusion

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel scared because i quit smoking and now all seems to come up

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear i cannot handle msyelf

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be angry at myself and blaming myself for being 'too slow' and not 'fast enough' and not 'effective enough'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i must 'improve'

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to believe in improvement

i forgive msyelf that i hav eallowed myself to hate to let go

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to rather cling on to my deceptions than give them up because 'ive never been there'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not trust msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need another to let go of everything first, before i will consider or try to do the same

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to wait for others to transcend the illusion so that i can see 'if its safe'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself as what is here and fear msyelf because i dont know myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to love some people and hate others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to admire some people and despise others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to like some people and dislike others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people amusing and enteratining and others not

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people interesting and others boring

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to find some people beautifull and others ugly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to build msyelf an apparent foundation of stability and now im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to feel this process is going nowhere because it seems to only get harder and harder

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to for one second believe this process is easy - a piece of cake - and then manifest the opposite

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have a perception that i'm doing great at process

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not really and actually consider all as equall as one - but only play games

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never consider all as equall - but rather take thsi reality for granted, as how i have known it

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take murder for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take rape for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take education for granted

i forgive myself that i have a llowed msyelf to take schools for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take governemnts for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take enslavement for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take suffering for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take secrets and hidden stuff dor granted

i forgive myself that i hav eallowed msyelf to take hiding out of fear for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take asking persmission for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take the law for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take my thoughts for granted - to take consiousness itself for granted

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to judge consciousness as bad or evil or wicked

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear standing one and equall with and as consiousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to blame everything on consciousness and still take no responsiblity - there is no half way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not even realize consciousness is my very allowed nature as what i have allowed - me myself - to become

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be saddned by this, because i thought i was 'moving away from' consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to place all my nastyness in consiousness - as seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to realize and acknowledeg i have only existed as conscioussness and nothing else - making msyelf believe through perceptions that i stand close to life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not accept conscioussness as msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to realize consciousness IS self

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness beacsue i fear my own demonic nature

i forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to see this reality is manifested consciousness and life does not exist - i am no exception - this is one and equall for all

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception or better than consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as more than consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as supereior to consciousness and systems

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am more than constructs and systems - this IS a system/construct

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel im better than consciousness because i apply self forgiveness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be acknolegded becasue of this realization - as knowledge

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to be Ak-no-leg-ed before i have even lived my realisations as one with msyelf a who i am and proven to myself that i stand as what i speak

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from enslavement and think that i am apparently better than enslavement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from abuse and think i am better than abuse

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from rape and think i am better than rape

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from death and think im better and more than death

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from famine and hunger and believe i am more than hunger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from belief and religion and think im more and better than it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from starvation and think this will never happen to me because i am simply more and better than starvation

kk

friendly people - yay

hi

about friendlyness and friendly people

my boss gave me a call at home to ask me if he could switch around some hours and because he sounded calm and friendly i said 'sure' but i found out now i have to work 10 hours on monday - which is long, he told me from this time to this time, but i was like whatever and didnt really hear that part clearly and i didnt expect he would give me 10 hours so i didnt ask - busted

this is prominent at work - dealing with peoples friendlyness, i was alreasy seeing the dishonesty and something is majorly off the hook with friendlyness, - so i can thank my boss for making me see the point

friendlyness = manipulation

im done being friendly