Wednesday, December 3, 2008

from nothing back to nothing

what can be observed about death in this world?

That beings DIE and they are no more, they no longer exist - and then new beings are born who seem to come out of nowhere

How was life controlled on earth?

Through hopes and beliefs about what death actually represents

Beings would speak of a White Light, when having near death-expereinces and expereince themselves floating 'out of their bodies'

Through these and other accounts, perceptions were created - that apparently there exists something 'greater'

Human beings have allways remained in the belief that they cannot possibly be deceived about DEATH

but look, we come in this world and we don't know who the fuck we are

Then we live our lives, knowing that one day we will die

This are the only facts we have

Yet, we have claimed that we could not be deceived,

pretending to know what is going on in this existence

Based on what?

On a STORY ?

On good luck?

Have we ever been honest about death?

Why we really fear it ?

Have a look...

What do we know about death ?

Beings seem to disappear, to vanish from existence and this is called death

And then there are all the new beings that are born into this world - they seem to appear out of nothing

So, in death we return to NOTHINGNESS

and out of NOTHINGNESS the new are born in this world...

how INTERESTING

Would it not make sense that in death ALL and EVERYTHING that you have believed yourself to be within this world, is LOST ?

Would it not make sense that what we have designed ourselves to be as human beings in this world

is actually NOT REAL ?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

declining a blowjob and more...

i had a dream where i was peeing - it looked like i was in my old student building - in a sink and a girl (a former neighbor from when i was a kid - wtf was she doing there !) appeared next to me and while i continued peeing, she asked me if i could help her with something, implying i would have to come with hr to her room - a casual thing she couldn't do by herself alone - and because i didn't immediately responded, she added:"I can give you a blowjob too." and she was looking at my penis - and i started getting excited by the idea and considering it, but then LO and BEHOLD, i declined because i experienced being directed by something separate from me, the arousal that was kicking in. she also said something that i had a beautifull penis or something, which is interesting, because the day before i did sf on the point of seeing the real phisicality as imperfect (in terms of how it looks and the odor of it) and pictures of bodies as perfect

so nothing happened in that particular dream

but then i woke up with wet pants anyways - whats that for ? though wet pants is the tactic my body uses to get me out of bed (to wake up) after i had enough sleep, yes it happens a LOT of times

did i have another dream or something? i don't even remember

so, because i woke up at three in the morning i decided to take a bath and wait for the sun to come up, i fell asleep for short moments in the bath though, and then i go t out after some dilemma - (the last point where i fell asleep, i was lying on my left side, totally uncomfortable, because i "wanted to roll myself sideways" - such mindbullshit) - so then i had breakfast: kellogs with sugar. this was a cool cange because i do every morning the same (brown bread with whatever on it, mostly cheese and mustard - allways actually)

yesterday we started watching V for vendetta and i totally fell asleep it was not even 21 h when we started watching. at one point i woke up in the sofa and i thought bernard was talking to me, but he was actually talking to the portal who was sitting behind me, i felt shaken because he said: "NOT EFFECTIVE" - with his eyes piercing in my direction - and in my sleepy confusion i thought he was saying i was ineffective in staying awake, so i started sitting straight and all and keeping my eyes open, but off course i immediately fell asleep again

i woke up again when the film was done - i was like, hmmm, thats deep sleep and went off to bed - so i slept some two hours in the couch already which caused me to wake up at 3 am in the morning

before v for vendetta we watched another film about a guy who totally fucks up - that was cool for a change, like he makes the one fuck up after the other and everybody gets killed except him

Thursday, October 23, 2008

how i allowed money to influence and control me

how i compromised myself with regards to money

i allways have been telling a story about why i stopped drawing and how i would then start witing - having still many idea's about this

but what i could see yesterday, is that it was because of money

i was in fear that if i wasn't good enough, i would never be able to make money out of my drawings

i seemed to believe and take for granted that with my drawings i could make a lot of money, but in order for this to be true i believed i had to be the best - what happened is i met people in my life that proved to me that i wasnt the best, far from it - i started seeing myself as an averge drawer amongst the real talents, and they had it all together: obviously those guys would make money

so when people would start critisizing my drawings (not iteresting/original enough), it wasnt merely a blow to my ego, but also it destroyed my wish an hope that i woud be ale to make money out of my drawings - so i develloped an anger towards art, seeing it as worthless and totally useless

what motivated me to start and continue writing, was people giving me much credit for te stories i wrote - i was at the time reading the one book after the other from a belgian/flemish writer (herman brusselmans), who basically lived from writing his books and would in his autobiographical novels describe his lifestyle, which stirred my imagination tremedously. i wanted the same thing: writing to make money and not needing to have a job, apart from the writing, to sustain me.

so what needed to happen was: one summer i had spend all my days in writing a novel - it wasnt my first 'attempt', but this time i had the entire storyline figured out and i only needed to actually write it - and i already had received 'positive support'on this particular 'novel to be' which hade made me totally believe this time it would be it. this time i would actually publish a book and i would get famous enough to make me money. so what happened was at one point i send the novel to two people (not finished yet) - different people than those who had given me the 'good support' - and they both reacted in disappointment. i felt torn in the core of my being and i abandoned the project. my hope was now defintely dead - i disnt see 'a way out' for a while, as in: how will i now SURVIVE in this world - i resented work, so for me to have to actually take a job was worse than death.

so neither the drawing nor the writing i did for me, so it was interesting that the few tims i actually wrote something cool, it had been from a more innocent (with regards to the money desire) startingpoint, for instance in an email to someone, with not even the intention of keeping or saving what i wrote - interstingly enough i could not repeat this, because of the compromise in my startingpoint: the desire to eventually make money out of everything i wrote

so the soil from which i was attempting to create, was fear - fear that one day i would have no money

Monday, October 6, 2008

SELF Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define ‘self’ as the individual self

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this reality as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire physically manifested earth as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire consciousness existence as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define humanity as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not see that self is ALL as ONE as EQUALL as what is and exist HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and understand that HERE is Self as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this world is greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the world as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the universe as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as separate and powerless and lost as ‘ a part of existance’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize there ARE NO PARTS OF EXISTANCE and ALL IS EQUALL AS ONE HERE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe separation is REAL

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to remain separate but thjis is impossible and purte denial as I am ALREADY HERE as all as equall as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize individuals don’t exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to LIVE myself as my own principle as LIFE as who I am as ALL as EQUALL as one as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I can stop existing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to never realize I who I am can NEVER stop existing

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that all is ME

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up as all as equall as one

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see standing up as me – as the separate individual standing up within the multidude of existence

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe differences exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think appearances exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think the mind exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think multitude exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think diversity exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself §to believe competition exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that power exist as a fragment of this reality

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think different realities exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that fragmentation exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that parts exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe power can be experienced within this reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that power is when ALL is LIVED as ONE and EQUALL as ONE – as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that power is when ALL stand and LIVE as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the mind is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the unified field is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that perceptions are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that personality is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that thoughts are totally asurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ‘living your own life as an individual’ is a lie and totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself and to actually buy into the illusions of the mind that only knows of fear and fear and fear and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the ESSENCE is ALL as EQUALL as ONE as LIVED as ONE as all as EQUALL HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mysery is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that if all IS one as equall than hiding is absurd – because who am I even hiding from ?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make a picture in my mind of oneness and equality – not realizing that ALL is HERE as ALL as EQUALL as HERE as everything that IS

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ONLY all as equall as ONE is REAL

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that fear is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that anxiety isd totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed msyelmf to realize that desires are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that memories are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that SURVIVING is TOTALLY ABSURD

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that definitions are fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that believing in god is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that HOPING is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that identities are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that who I have perceived myself to be as ‘apart and an element of this world is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that what I thought myself to be is as absurd as absurd can be

I forgive myself that I have never – ever allowed myself to for a moment even see that anger is – wow – totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that relationships are totally absurd and a totall fuck up

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that ‘being lost’ is totally absurd and cannot possibly be real

Friday, September 26, 2008

WTF

im weird

like confused about all the stuff i heard about sa

many shit going on with people - im also angry a bit because it seems some people have flatly deceived themselves

like what the fok have they been doing?

also im like the only one holding back with my father atm - i have fuck all to say to my mother

she is just messing around deceiving everyone doing self forgiveness

i have still pains going on in my intestins

people go - oh why should i even stop my mind?

wtf is even wrong with it?

people speak fokking cheap and easy words - real hero's but doing NOTHING

oh my little world !

oh i will lose thius or this ! - oh someone got angry with me- i cannot take it - oh let me sit here in self pitty in my PIT of PITTY where i spit on myself

i rather NOT exist than have a glimse of what it is to LIVE - I rather smile than cry the dirt out of my SElf - i rather look ok than to break down and others see i AM NOT EVEN REAL

what will it TAKE ? - what will it take for all to see you are NOT REAL ? WILL YOU WAIT UNTILL YOU ARE FOKKING DEAD? WILL YOU STAND UP IN THE DIMENSIONS ? OH I RATHER DO FOKKING NOTHING AND JUST FOKKING OBSERVE !!!!!!

WHAT A FOKKING DISGRACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to all those who dont even bother - FOK YOU - GO MASTURBATE IN YOUR DREAMWORLD

Friday, September 19, 2008

conscioussness

ok im pissed?

why?

too much thoughts driving me UP THE WALL

this moring too many shit came up and i could deal with it, but now i feel like shit

secrets is one point - i dont want to let go of secrets, fokking bastard

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to hide stuff from people

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel guilty over having secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to not trust myself and judge myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to rather keep some stuff to myself and handle it off secretly because i fear what others might think

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist in a public way and a secret way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to participate in secrets as secret thoughts and desires

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear people seeing my shit going on for real

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be ashamed of my blog and what i wrote on it because of what people may see me for

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to constantly compare to others - wondering if im not behind or somethging in process, wondering if i didnt miss a transcendence somewhere that makes me less than this person

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel restrained within msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to supress msyelf for the sake of others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as doing the same as others - going along with the fokking crowd - so they wouldnt feel weird about what they're doing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to compromise in the presense of my mother because of fear of hurting her feelings

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my mother and define this being as my mother who i owe respect

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my fathr because he is my father and i therefore owe him repsect

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as hiding myself - what i see in others as what they're actually doing - and remain silent about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as letting things pass to not hurt people's feelings

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never trust myself and respect msyelf as all life equally - all equall and no exceptions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need to be diffrerent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel i can keep bullshitting myself without consequence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel unsecure

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel totally insecure about writing sf on this blog right here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to feel stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as stupid

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to present myself as stable as a presentation - not real so therefore it has to go bye bye

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have interests for me my selfish alone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that who i am is the secrets i keep and consist off

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to consist of secrets

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to keep stuff hidden to others as msyelf out of shame and embarrassement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let msyelf be tricked by secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to present msyelf in a way to others - so if they believe this presentation - i can become it !

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not evens ee this presentation is an illusion

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel scared because i quit smoking and now all seems to come up

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear i cannot handle msyelf

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be angry at myself and blaming myself for being 'too slow' and not 'fast enough' and not 'effective enough'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i must 'improve'

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to believe in improvement

i forgive msyelf that i hav eallowed myself to hate to let go

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to rather cling on to my deceptions than give them up because 'ive never been there'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not trust msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need another to let go of everything first, before i will consider or try to do the same

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to wait for others to transcend the illusion so that i can see 'if its safe'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself as what is here and fear msyelf because i dont know myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to love some people and hate others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to admire some people and despise others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to like some people and dislike others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people amusing and enteratining and others not

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people interesting and others boring

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to find some people beautifull and others ugly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to build msyelf an apparent foundation of stability and now im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to feel this process is going nowhere because it seems to only get harder and harder

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to for one second believe this process is easy - a piece of cake - and then manifest the opposite

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have a perception that i'm doing great at process

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not really and actually consider all as equall as one - but only play games

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never consider all as equall - but rather take thsi reality for granted, as how i have known it

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take murder for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take rape for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take education for granted

i forgive myself that i have a llowed msyelf to take schools for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take governemnts for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take enslavement for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take suffering for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take secrets and hidden stuff dor granted

i forgive myself that i hav eallowed msyelf to take hiding out of fear for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take asking persmission for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take the law for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take my thoughts for granted - to take consiousness itself for granted

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to judge consciousness as bad or evil or wicked

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear standing one and equall with and as consiousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to blame everything on consciousness and still take no responsiblity - there is no half way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not even realize consciousness is my very allowed nature as what i have allowed - me myself - to become

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be saddned by this, because i thought i was 'moving away from' consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to place all my nastyness in consiousness - as seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to realize and acknowledeg i have only existed as conscioussness and nothing else - making msyelf believe through perceptions that i stand close to life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not accept conscioussness as msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to realize consciousness IS self

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness beacsue i fear my own demonic nature

i forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to see this reality is manifested consciousness and life does not exist - i am no exception - this is one and equall for all

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception or better than consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as more than consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as supereior to consciousness and systems

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am more than constructs and systems - this IS a system/construct

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel im better than consciousness because i apply self forgiveness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be acknolegded becasue of this realization - as knowledge

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to be Ak-no-leg-ed before i have even lived my realisations as one with msyelf a who i am and proven to myself that i stand as what i speak

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from enslavement and think that i am apparently better than enslavement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from abuse and think i am better than abuse

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from rape and think i am better than rape

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from death and think im better and more than death

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from famine and hunger and believe i am more than hunger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from belief and religion and think im more and better than it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from starvation and think this will never happen to me because i am simply more and better than starvation

kk

Saturday, September 6, 2008

friendly people - yay

hi

about friendlyness and friendly people

my boss gave me a call at home to ask me if he could switch around some hours and because he sounded calm and friendly i said 'sure' but i found out now i have to work 10 hours on monday - which is long, he told me from this time to this time, but i was like whatever and didnt really hear that part clearly and i didnt expect he would give me 10 hours so i didnt ask - busted

this is prominent at work - dealing with peoples friendlyness, i was alreasy seeing the dishonesty and something is majorly off the hook with friendlyness, - so i can thank my boss for making me see the point

friendlyness = manipulation

im done being friendly

Sunday, August 17, 2008

dutch sf - 'dommerik'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben, omdat ik mij vergeleek met anderen en door de ogen van anderen oordeelde dat ik een dommerik ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn door de ogen van papa over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben een 'imbecil', omdat ik iets niet wist of omdat ik iets 'verkeerd gedaan heb'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat wie ik ben een dommerik is, omdat ik iets verkeerd gedaan heb of iets niet wist of een 'slecht antwoord gegeven heb'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn mij te vergelijken met anderen op basis va onze punten op school en dan over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben als ik slechtere punten heb als anderen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik beter ben dan anderen omdat ik denk dat ik meer weet dan hen, omdat ik intelligenter ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over alle mensen te oordelen dat ze dom zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over andzeren als mezelf te oordelen dat het dommerikken zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik het antwoord ergens niet op weet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben als ik iets niet weet, of als ik iets vergeten ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat als ik meer weet over iets dan iemand anders dan ben ik meer als die persoon

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben door de ogen van de voetbal-opa's omdat ik iemand op de 'verkeerde manier getakkeld had'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik niet weet wat te zeggen en omdat ik geloof dat er iets gezegd moet worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik een grapje maak maar niemand anders vind het grappig of besteedt er aandacht aan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een imbiciel ben en een dommerik omdat ik iets heb laten vallen op de grond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen door de ogen van papa dat ik een imbiciel ben en een dommerik omdat op de bezemsteel was gaan zitten en die geplooid was geraakt en 'kapot was'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn bang te zijn dat iemand iets weet wat ik niet weet omdat ik bang ben om als een dommerik gezien te worden

some of the sf got lost in the process of posting... (most of it lol)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Happines

the design of happiness --> http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=y8USHpaFVF8

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as when sinterklaas would come - being happy because of all the presents that were lying on the table

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as receiving a toy from my parents

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving a lego space-ship from my parents

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as receiving an remote controlled car that can flip over

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with this car in the garden and making it flip over and driving it super fast in the grass

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as making the car go as fats as possible and then pulling the handles backwards so it flips over multiple times

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as coming down the stairs in the early moring, knowning sinterklaas had come and the table would lie full of presents

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the green playmobil policecar and playing with this on the floor in the hospital

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as ths friend of my father we accodentally met in paris, bought me a red ninja turtle and how i would play with it in the hotelroom in paris

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with my yellow big truck on the carpet

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the transformer remote controlled car

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as my father buying this car for me in spain

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as my father buying me my swiss knife in spain, i thought it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define beauty as looking at this knife

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define power as holding this knife opnened in my hand, and how it fitted well in my hand

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as exploring all aspects of this knife

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define hapiness as receiving the lego police spaceship from my parents, which looked very big to me and awesome to play with

i forgive myself

ok i heard stuff break and dad screaming - probably dropped a bottle, same as where i droppedn one yesterday because the closet is so full of them - and i think he screamed at mum for still being in piyamas - i already thought it was suspicious yesterday when he said: oh, its a beautifull day and he seemed peacefull

i breath and am ok again

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving rollerskates from my parents - and define happiness within and as 'having rollerskates'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as 'having a swiss knife'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin ehappiness as receiving lego toys and define happiness within and as 'having lego toys'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the plstic cowboy guns from abwuelita she bought on the market in zafaraya, and define happiness within and as 'having a toy cowboygun with three red and bue plastic arrows'

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as aiming and shooting the arrows with my gun

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as revceiving the Outcast computergame from my father and define happiness within and as 'having the Outast computer game'

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to judge the word happy as something only dumb people are after

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to equate happiness with dumbness and ignorance

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become resentfull when perceiving happiness around me

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become uncomfortable when perceiving happiness around me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to wait for happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as a deeply unhappy person

i forgive msyelf taht i have allowed msyelf to think and believe a deeply unhappy person is all that i am and who i am - while it is just a definition

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as receiving and having toys that I didnt have yet

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as receiving and having brand new toys

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyef to want to expereince happiness

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as something that happens to me - "happens-ness" "happy-less"

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as sitting in the car with the family while we drive to tita mari and tito salva, to see anthony my nephew because i will be able to play with him all day

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as 'feeling good"

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as a feeling or an emotion

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as an energetic expereince

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not see happiness is here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am not worthy of being happy somehow and i deserve being unhappy, but this si just a cycle

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to exist within and as a happy-unhapy cycle

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as an expectation that one day i will be permanently happy

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think happiness exists as somehting what can be reached in life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist people who are happy

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think the goal is happyness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think my purpose is happyness

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to think this process is about becomming happy eventually

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as a desire for happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be desperate for happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as desperation because i fear happiness will never happen

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving a pack of magic cards from my mother that she bought me, and define happiness within and as 'having magic cards'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happyness as how i expereinced msyelf when trying out masturbation without pictures and thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as a state of mind

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happyness within and as receiving and having brand new magic cards to play with

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving and having a brand new bike that i got for 'plechtige communnie'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate me from happiness - not realizing I am happines already as who i am

i forgive myself that i ahve never allowed msyelf to acknowledge happiness as msyelf as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i require a reason to be happy

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i require somthing to trigger happiness inside me - instead of seeing i am it alredy - happiness is here as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyemlf to think i am happy instead of living happyness as me as breath as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to not live msyelf as happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to reach for happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to have perceptions about happyness

i am not a perception

i am not a 'reaching for'

i am not a lack of anything

i see happyness as me as all as equal as one as me

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge happyness as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge happyness as stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge happyness as empty

hapyness- emptyness

ok...

continuing

in dutch the word for joy is vreugde, as where self-enjoyment would rather be 'plezier hebben/maken'

so, i see happiness as such is bullshit - those last statements didnt make much sense

its about joy

happyness actually IS empty lol

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van nieuw speelgoed

i vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het hebben van gloednieuw speelgoed

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren in en als bij feestdagen - sinterklaas en kerstmis - gloednieuw speelgoed krijgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren als nieuwe basketten krijgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het mogen zetten van mijn schoen voor sinterklaas tezamen met maite en leila hun schoen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van nieuwe computerspelletjes

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen en hebben van een sega mastersystem II waarop ik alex kid kan spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn vreugde definiren als naar de cinema gaan met de famillie naar de matrix kunnen gaan kijken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als mama die iets lekkers gaat klaarmaken - kroketten ofzo

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren als lasagna eten op donderdag

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als maandag spaghetti bolognese eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als iemand zijn oude magic kaarten hebbne kunnen overkopen voor 1000 frank, en vreugde definieren in en als het hebbn van die magic kaarten - nu zijn die kaarten 'van mij'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het bezitten van speelgoed

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van het zakmes

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren in en als met de auto vanuit zafaraya naar zee rijden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het toekomen op het strand in spainje en het geluid van de grote golven al kunnen horen van ver

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van een nieuwe laptop

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van de job bij ikea

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definiren in en als het krijgen van geld

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeglaetn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van mijn zondag van mama

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als het krijgen van mijn looon elke maand op mijn bankrekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van geld briefjes in enveloppen toen het mijn plechtige communie was - want ik had nog nooit zoveel gel gehad

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van geld in een enveloppe als geschenk bij familliebezoek

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden en visualiseren dat ik een miljard win met de lotto

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden dat ik 'win for life' win - want dan moet ik nooit meer werken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het onverwachts krijgen van een cadeau

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het kopen van cd's van nirvana

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het kunnen uitlenen van rock cd's in de bibliotheek, van greenday en the offspring en sepultura en nirvana, want ik wist niet dat die daar zouden zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het besloten hebben dat ik zelfmoord ging plegen

...

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden hoe iedereen zou wenen nadat ik zelfmoord gepleegd zou hebben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als in de dimensions zijn, want igmar bergman leek vreugdevol

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als bijna toekomen in zafaraya, en de omgeving al kunnen herkennen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het op vakantie gaan naar zafaraya, naar abwelita

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als op reis gaan naar spanje omdat ik dan met nicola kan fietsen in het dorp en in de velden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn self enjoyment definieren als met nicola fietsen in de straten van het dorp en in de velden op onze nieuwe fietsen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn veugde definieren als uitsappen uit de auto en wachten dat abwelita open doet aan de deur

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als s morgens in zafaraya churros gaan halen om te eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als s morgens croissants eten met choco of crème-koeken van de bakker

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als boterhammen kunnen eten met choco

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als snoep kunnen eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als brwonies kunnen eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren la skoffie kunnen drinken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als warme choco melk gaan drinken bij akela thuis met de schouts omdat het buiten zo koud was in de winter

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als een babysitter die op ons komt passen thuis,

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als speelgoed mogen meebrengen naar school de laaste dagen van het jaar en op school spelletjes in de klas mogen spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als bij vrienden thuis mogen gaan spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het horen vand e bel in de klas en de speeltijd begint

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als buiten komen wanneer de zon schijnt en het is speeltijd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar de lagere school gaan elke morgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als elke week is in de derde kleuterklas mogen gaan spelen, wanneer ik in 1e zat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als veel dingen krijgen toen we met de scouts op ruiltocht waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als met de scouts op kamp gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als met de cm op kamp gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar de efteling gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als naar het zwembad van vilvoorde gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar aquavelis gaan in spanje en van ver al de grote glijbanen zien van aquavelis

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde defineiren als naar hofstade gaan en naar de grootse glijbaan rennen om naar boven te klimmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar plankendael gaan omdat daar een grote speeltuin is met grote tube-glijbanen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als ergens naar onderweg zijn in de auto

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als de performance vcan wayn traub zien - hoe hij danste voor het gordijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als de eerste schooldag na de grote vakantie op de lagere school

...

Monday, August 11, 2008

self-awareness

did some sf on defining self-awareness

some points i found

defing self-awareness as 'being awake' --> feeding sleep-contruct

... as having a brain

as having phisical eyes to see with

as existing within the brain-section of the body

as having a nervous system, nervous system ! what a name: scary system, or fright-system

as existing within phisical touch

and so on

as having a head !

as defined thgrough the five senses

as having thoughts

as having a mind

as having a self-percetion

interesting to when, after standing equall to body, not define yourself according to any of it - some fear of death is also released in this (haha, the brain)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

13

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself acoording to good and bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe there exist good people and bad people

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that believe good intentions exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe bad intentions exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe some people have good intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as having good intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think there exist people who mean well

i forgive myself that i ahve accepted myself to believe there exist something as an evil purpose

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think people are inherently good but just often ignorant

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that if everyone knew the same, then all would do the right thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think there xist good/positive thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe there exist bad/evil thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think there is some good in everyone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think people are good in essence but become bad by circumstances

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think hope is a good thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define hope as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define light as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define love as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to believe children are good but their parents are bad

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to believe there is good knowledge and there is bad knowledge

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think good people exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to believe that honest people exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think the mind is inherently good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think love is good and hate is bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think humans are good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist bad or good humans

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as well-meaning

i forgive myself that i have accepted msyelf to define msyelf as a positive influence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define hate as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define anger as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define abuse as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define distrust as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define greed as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define violence as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define murder as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define killing as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define ageing as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define dieing as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define suffering as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think that helping someone is good/positive

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think interfering is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe control is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think governments are negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think politicians have good intentions

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to believe some politicians have bad intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe war is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think world war 2 was negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define hitler as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define germans as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define nazis as bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe amercicans are good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think america is a good country, because they apparently 'saved' europe in WW II

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think working people are inherently good, but the capitalists are greedy

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think money is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define money and the existence thereof as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think 'the english' are good, because they fought 'on our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think the french are good, beacuse they fought on 'our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think the russians are good, because they fought 'on our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see the world through the eyes of war

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define Iraky people as innocent because they are being attacked by 'bad americans'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define holland as good because they fought on 'our' side

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define switserland as good because they at 'least stayed neutral'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define my father as good, because of how much he works

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define working ur ass off as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define lazyness as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msylf to define discipline to work as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self discipline as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define democracy as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define dictatorship as bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define totalitarianism as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define socialsim as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define communism as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think freedom is good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe slavery is bad/negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define circusses as negative/bad becasue they apparently treat their animals badly and abuse them

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think rape is bad/negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think having a child is a good poitive thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe mothers are inherently good

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to think mothers generally mean well with their children

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to believe there exist good parents and bad parents

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think my mother is a bad mother

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think my father is a bad father

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i received a bad education

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist good educations

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there are good and bad teachers

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define schools as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to later on define schools as bad/negative

i forgive msyef that i ahve allwoed myself to think schools, governments and media are set up with bad intentions

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define the illuminati as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define the skull and bones as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have aallowed msyelf to define myself as a good person

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as a person with 'a good heart'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define stealing as negative

12

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed myself to define myself according to decrpitive information abouit what i have done - as activities

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as activities 'i have don in the past'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within the limitation of self definition according to activities of the past

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself according to information about myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as information

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been to the library to get films'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been to the toilet'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'today i took a shower'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'today i went to school'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have published student-paper'

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have attended class'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have been to summercamp'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been on boyscoutcamp'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have slept'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have lied down on my bed'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i went ton vacation'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i took a week off'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have seen a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have had an appointment with a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have written a typo'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as' i hav emade a painting'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have counted money'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have taken the train with my mom to school and she read me stories'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have stayed over with a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have played football'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emsyelf as 'i have been to friend with a swimingpool'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been translating my tesis'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as'i have written a lengthy tesis on the illuminati'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have been thinking'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emsyelf as 'i fell of a bridge on my back'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been hit by a tram, but i was ok'

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to define myself as 'i have walked home from school'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have grown my hair'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i had long hair'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have written much sf today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i played avideo game'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i went to school inzaventem'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i visited my grandparents today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i had my first ejaculation today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i went to switserland with school and wibren'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emyself as 'i have worked on the computer today'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i swam in the sea today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i helped distributing the studentpaper on the esplanade'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have seen a film today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been in the house all day'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i stayed home a lot of time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i stayed in my room a lot of the time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'having much time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'having practiced football in the garden - to keep the ball up on one foot'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have done sports'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as...

Friday, August 8, 2008

11

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let others tell me what i can and cannot do or say

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let other tell me how i should express myself - what is accepted and what is not

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to give my power away to others in letting them tell me what and how to be

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me what i can do, what i cannot do, how i should look, and what i cannot express or say

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let my mother tell me how i should look, how i should express myself what i should say and how i should say it

i forgive myelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should walk when im outside

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should move my arms while walking and in this manipulating myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should eat

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to hate my father but actually i hate myself because i have allowed this - i believed i could not resist or ignore him

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my fatehr tell me how i should drink from a glass

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my parents tell me how i should clothe myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let adults tell me how i should behave - how dare they !

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to obey my father out of fear bevcause i believed i was this fear and i felt little and powerless

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define myself within and as powerlessness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe that i am powerless

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my parents tell me when i should wash myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become total programmed slave to my parents because i was affraid to stand up and cry out: no i will not!

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my mother tell me how i should give someone a handshake

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should eat with knife and fork in the right hands, because i knew this was bullshit

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let myself be molded by my parents into a stupid robot - who is affraid of everything

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to let mmteachers tell me how i should write

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let teachers tell me i should be silent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should shut up

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should go to sleep now

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to let my father tell me now i must do this or that for me as if i have no say in this

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to accept that i am not free instead of standing up

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to give msye freedom adn power away through submitting to the rules of my parent and other adults in my world - even if i knew they were all full of CRAP whithout EXCEPTION

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself and my understanding this was bullshit and just this being wanting power

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to hate those beings becasue i gave in to this myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not stand up and trust myself because i didnt saw anyone else standing up and making a difference - so i used this as an excuse

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let someone tell me i should eat with my mouth closed

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let soemone tell me i should do this or that - and trust this person instead of trusting myself because i knew what was real and what i saw

i forgive msyelf that i aheva llowed msyelf to let my parents tell me i should now do this or that FOR them

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my parents dictate and direct me instead of directing myself in self trust

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to think i should perhaps not trust myself

i forgive msyelf that i ahev allowed msyelf to trust adults because i believed perhaps there is somtheing i dont know yet

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to trust adults because i feared to lose my privileges and to become punished

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should put my shirt in my pants, becasue he threatened me we would not go to the fairy and i feared spoiling this for others

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to trust my fears instead of trusting msyelf and living myself and breathing through the fear - i am here

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

priviledged

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe i am priviledged

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i was able to go and allowed to go to artschool

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am a man and therefore i am privilegded over woman

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am a human and therefore i am priviledged over animals and its ok if they are killed for my sake

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i think i am smarter than most people

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i have such an exotic background, my father being spanish and and me being able to speak three languages since being a child

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am privilegded over mysisters because i am a boy and i am older and the firstborn

i forgive myself that I have allowed myslf to define msyelf as priviledged within this existence

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i never had to work much in my life

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i understood things quicker than my classmates and i had better grades thna most of them

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i posses such a wonderfull drawingtalent

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i could go to spain every year on hollidays

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i think i had a supernatural expereince

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged becasue i see the same number patterns all the time, like 11 33

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am privilegded and therefore i am being blessed by coincidences

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with this ability to draw precisely

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with a rare talent to write stories

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with apparent patience because i could have patience to fold paper birds and stuff

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with much understanding and much knowledge

i forgive myslef that i have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged over others because i was blessed to study at university - which is expensive

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged over others because i was able to understand difficukt philosophers

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i knew the truth about 9/11 and the worl-elite plan for world-control

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe i am priviledged because i believed i knew what was going on behind the scenes

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to believe i am priviledged because i believed i knew the truth behind world wars

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about aliens on earth and about ufo's

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about the world being runned by an elite and by the illuminati

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i found apparent proof the illuminati still existed after they got abolished

i forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about all the occult symbolism in the media and corporate logo's

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i am priviledged because i may do my process on earth

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to see msyelf as a privileded person because my father likes me best, ovber my sisters, because i am the oldest and because i am a boy

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe i am priviledged becasue of the type of people i encountered in my life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i allways would be accepted by the coolest of the coolest

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i was the oldest child of the family

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i was priviledged becasue i had more toys than maite and leila

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i encountered desteni and the portal

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i get to chat with dimensional beings and with b

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i had a fater understanding than most people i knew and i understood stuff they couldnt grasp at all

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am a priviledged being because i am a human and not an 'animal'

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged over older people because i am still young

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to the years i have had in THIS particular life on earth

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i found all this hidden and secret knowledge

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because

... etc

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

work-home survival-combo

i forgiv myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe i should stick to the place where i live and the job that i have, because this si so convenient and they seem to interlock, because they are so closely located to one another

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not consider this point - that i hold on to my job TOGETHER with the house i live in and use the one as justification for the other

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if i lose my job - my living-place will get in jeopardy and there will be no point anymore in living there and i will have to consider completely new things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if i leave the house, then it will be more difficulkt to get to work, because how close it is

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to imprison msyelf - out of all possibilities - into this reality-combination and use excuses why this is 'the best'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear giving up this combo of work and house - of occupation and habitation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i need both absolutely and definately and without any one of them, i'll be lost

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear change

perhaps i will consider getting driver-licence, cuz right now i only have a bike which constricts me in some ways, with regards to this situation

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think if i lose my job in some way, i will find no new job and my father will give me a hard time

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am not capable of finding jobs and that if i dont find one this means i am a faillure

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think the possibility of losing my job - the possibility in my mind, that i create msyelf - is something that i should fear and actually consider so that i can exist in fear

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i should 'hold on' to the combo i am in right now, because when i lose this i dont know what i'll do

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear i might lose my job unexpectedly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to allways care if my bosses ar pleased with me so they will not fire me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to join a work-dinner from the startingpoint of showing to the bosses and collegues that they actually mean somthing to me - which is deception, because i dont fear losing them, but i fear losing my job

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear when i take an icecream and a boss would 'catch' me they will give me a lecture and i will score a bad point

to be continued

Sunday, August 3, 2008

after batman

when seeing batman, the last film - when film ended they say: "he can take it, because he is a silent guardian... (wham wham, many emotions came up and i try to stop, but it continues and gets worse)... he is a black knight," and while they say this you see batman driving his low to the ground motorcycle and his cape going frrrr in the wind

so, what was this guardian stufff... 'a silent guardian' - like he's not taking any credit for what he does, even taking all the blame, for the geater good -

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define this as honorable -

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be an honorable person, like in hero movies

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define being honorable as taking the blame for another

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define honourable me accompanying katrijn when she ran from kortenberg, because i apparently sacrificed my own safety for her

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to strive for honorability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define honorable: paying for other people their food when they come over at our house

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think i am honorable because i ran away with katrijn

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i am honorable because i 'protected' maite at school, when she was being bullied once and cried

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think my father was honorable because he helped an old man and because he respects old people more than young people

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think that helping a mother carry her buggy is honourable

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think that helping a very old person carry their bag downstairs is honorable

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that helping this mongool on the train who had gotten lost was honorable, becaause all the other adults did nothing

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that defending a girl or a woman is honorable - no matter in what situation

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think fighting is honorable

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think risking your life is honorable

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think having an injury from fighting is honorable

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be honorable like my father, and define being honorable as how i have seen him act on certain occasions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf top thoink fighting against a phisically stronger adversary is honorable

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think sacrificing yourself for the greater good as understood by society is honorable

... also with batman, silent guardian = this perception of no self-interest

also the undestroyable aspect - being though

to be continued

10

ok

maite and leila leaving for two months,- me having a week off next week - alone to face myself

when work was done yesterday i felt uncomfortable about the vacation week - too much time with msyelf, nowhere to hide

i worked some on tesis, translating stuff, but this was obviously supression too - having something "to do" and when it was done i was uncomfortable again

what now?

i want smoke, but i sense supression is looming

whats the deal with me?

lol

Friday, August 1, 2008

help

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expect help to 'come' from a source seperate from me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wait for help, because i believe i am to weak to stand and walk on my own

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as 'being helped by another seperate from me'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hope for help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seek help in and define help as being in Kortenberg - where beings apparently help me

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear recognizing i must be my own help and help myself to stand and walk

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expect my mother to help me in conflicts with my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as my mother in my world

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define help as being helped by the people in kortenberg

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as 'receiving help' from the people in kortenberg and in this being dishonest and denying myself the help that is Here as myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect my father to help me against this boy who was running after me and who was throwing rocks at me instead of stopping him, helping msyelf to stop him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to when i was being bullied by kenny expect someone in the enviroment to come to my help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to when i was being chased by a car with kenny's people, run for help in fear instead of standing as my own help and facing myself

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want my friends to help me when someone at school had hit me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect this man to help me because i was scared of a dog barking

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect poeple will help me when i am drunk and in this state enjoy the dishonesty of being helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as a helpless person

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can do noithing in the world to help msyelf and fear situations where i have to stand up

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want and seek help from other beings and adults when i had broozed my knee and they needed to take care of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to enjoy this part of playing the victim and place msyelf in the care and apparent helping hands of another, so i dont have to take responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to enjoy being helpless

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to be helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide behind helplessness to dont have to stand and walk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide msyelf behind a blief that i am helpless and i must be taken care of

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to play helpless so that otehrs would take care of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as helpless and not able to be my own help - so that others would help me and i would feel safe

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think that when others help me nothing can hapen to me anymore and i am apparently safe - because i have been discharged of any and all responsibility

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i have no strength to help myself to be my own help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide and run in the identity of helplesness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think adults should help me because they are big and i am small and helpless

i forgive myself to play helpless so i didnt have to face i never took responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide beihing apparent helplessness so i never would have to take responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to refuse to take responsability for what i have accepted and allowed and hide in helplessness as the deception of the mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think it is my nature - who i am - to be helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be one and equall to helplessness

if orgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think helplessness exists

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe helplesness exists

i forgive msyelf that I have never allowed msyelf to realise helplessness only exists as an illusion of the mind

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf as self-help as self-strenght and self-responsability as who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be frustrated because there was no help comming

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be angry with msyelf because even in the most deep shit i didnt want to face i have to help msyelf and no one was comming

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to belive and think help exists somewhere out there

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe help exists seperate from who i am here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from help

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to make msyelf believe it is impossible for me to stand as my own help - and walk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wait for someone to please help me not realising i was waiting for msyelf

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be scared to help myself, because i was scared to realize who i am

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

self-enjoyment

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self-enjoyment as playing with toys while sitting on the floor

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed myself to define self enjoyment as writing a novel - building a novel sentence by sentence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as designing a story for a novel in my mind - piece by piece

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as telling a story i have written to an audience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with toy guns and shooting them

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelkf to define self enjoyment as playing with my ninja turtles, with their little weapons and the ropes i would hang them on

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as holding the blue ninja turtle in my hand and putting his swords in his hands and placing him on the floor so he looks fierce and dangerous

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following the instructions from booklet when building a lego space-ship

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building a lego-spaceship piece by piece and see the result when it is finished

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego's in my room and playing war and star wars

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego red robots

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playiong with my lego-build robots that could do crazy stuff with their arms

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myselmf to define self enjoyment as building something with my hands - creating with my hands, trnasforming somthing into a different and consistent shape

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following instructions and builmd piece by piece my lego technics vehicels and cars an,d planes and helicopters

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my lego technics truck, and play with it when i had put batteries in it

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building the engine from this truck and see all the pipelines and how complicated this was

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making up / designing a story that i can play with my lego

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as building a wall from ice-blocks in the garden

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building this wall with pieces from the plastic shell that was frozen and throw water over the blocks so they woulkd freeze together

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the mud with my friend and making bread from the mud and with grass

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as dirty because i was playing with mud and an adult said this is dirty

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about the two kings and inventing this story completely and working on this

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as pondering which word would suit which description best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as having allmost reached the end of the story and knowing it will be finished soon

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as designing word by word a story - create a reality and in my mind imagine myself all these things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as running arace against my father

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as going for a bike ride with my father and following him

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with duplo blocks and building space ships that resemble star wars ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the duplo blocks and building myself weapons and preten,d i can shoot with them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i hold a light-saber like luke skywalker and fight with imaginary enemy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i have a gun in my hand and i shoot laser like Jan Solo

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be Sanggoku from Dragonball Z and shooting massive energy balls with my hands

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a warrior and having an armour and also i have the head of a panter and i can have long nails like a lion from my fingers

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a ninja warrior and doing fung fu or karate and having a long shiny sword - a black ninja

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as play Virtua fighter on computer and play with ninja

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define grace as playing with ninja from virtua fighter and see how he moves

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing virtua fighter against big boss

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to defiens elf enjoyment as fight against akira

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed myself to define self enjoyment as fight with Jeffry and take him to fight others

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with virtua figher on computer perform cool moves and move fast and kick hard the opponent untill he falls on the floor completely

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about this bum who lives on the street

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as placing msyelf in the shoes of this bump and see wht i would do in this or that situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the chinese man in virtua fighter because he kicks so fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing age of empires for hours

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing Guild wars on computer online for hours and make all the different missions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment playing car races on computer

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing monster trucks on computer and take a turn while slipping the road and going super fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as racing and riding first and doing my best to remain first so others can not get back at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my big lego robot and see the result - he was big and much higher than the rest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the plack lego roibot who had legs to walk and who i let jump like a dinosaur on others robots

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl enjoyment as playing with dinosaur i received from marissa and use him in combat with my turtles

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyel to define self enjoyment as playing with lego and with my mouth making all the specific and required war noices so that it would seem real

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imitaing the sound of lasers shooting from star wars, while playing with my spacecraft

i forgive msyelf that I hvae allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing tennis with glen and boris

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making a big point with tennis againts glen and his brother boris

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with badminton being able to reach far and return almost all 'balls'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the see on and in the waves and dive under the waves and let me be carried away by the powerfull wave

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being dragged along by a wave and rolling in many directions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as jumping from high plcaes like in a playground with chldrens wooden castels

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as entering and gliding in the big tube in plankendael

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking whiskey and getting drunk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being stoned and laughing unstoppably

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remebering somthing i thaught was funny

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remembering an event that makes me laugh again

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk and speaking in a loud voice and insulting people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking pissang and and being drunk and telling people to fuck off and laughing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as translating my tesis

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to defines elf enjoyment as doing research on the illuminati and conductying my investigation in books

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchin,g naked gun with leslie nielsen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymebnt as watchiong ace ventura with jim carey

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as hearing children laugh and yell and see them play

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as laughing when leila is around

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymenbt as looking at leila her face when i laugh

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching Hot shots on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchging a movie on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching a movie in vµcinema

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing magic cards

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with magic cards against leila

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching lord of the rings in cinema big screen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymentr as watching cable guy with ace ventura

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching dragon ball z on tv and see Freezer and Sanggoku kight and Vegeta

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as watching Vegeta fight and how fast they all move

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining msyel to be a warrior with a black panter head and many weopons and an armour

i forgive msyelf that i havea not allowed msyelf to see self enjoyment is here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not even know self enjoyment is here -as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment seperate from msyelf -

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to not enjoy msyelf for myself

i am self enjoyment here - self enjoyment is who i am