Friday, February 29, 2008

Someone dies

I doubled fourth grade, for reasons that are not relevant right now. Because I doubled - I found myself in class with people who I experienced being significantly younger than me. The first day of that schoolyear, I had been standing with my friends - who moved to fifth grade, knowing I was required to go with the fourth garders. So anyway, after the bell rang - I got somewhat lost and didn't find my class immediately. When I found the correct classroom, the 'lesson' had already begun. I felt panic as soon as I entered the room, due to everyone turing their heads back - a lot of faces I knew from seeing - one person who doublled just like me, so I knew her, but not very well, as a matter of fact we didn't even get along - and then some completely new faces. I was terrified - will this be my class? The teacher gave the exact same speach she had given the preious year and I just laid my head on the bench and closd my eyes. This is a nightmare.

Hmm. intersting. i just reaklised something about my ego. It was able to 'grow' like it had, exactly because of the situation I was in (having doubled fourth grade). When with people of my own age, I'd always been more 'mature', more 'adult'. So now with people who were in fact a year younger than me -most of them, the discrepancy in attitudes became quite extensive. I remember I despised all people of my class, from the first day on. I felt very superior - and a lot of people of the class would soon start to see me as such, fucking admiring me.

me and some other guys, who I thought were not too stupid, would develop a group identity within the class. We'd mak fun of everyone else. There was a chap, who's name was Emmerik. He died. One day, our teacher stood before us and said "someone of our class has passed away..." Then someone shouted "Who!?" And she anwered "It's Emmerik." Bam. A lot of people bursting out in tears, because they had spend already a year with him, and thus they knew him best. What was my experience in that moment? I saw P. and S. and A. in heavy tears, especially P. He was crying like children do - kind of shouting at the same time, his face completely broken. At one point he turned around - because he sat somewhat up front - and I didn't undestand if he did it to show the extent of his grief to everyone, or to look who else was devastated, and how much. because he had a searching look on his face - very subtle tough. Hmm, I wonde if this is even true.... So what about me. I remember looking at C. - who, like me, didn't know Emmerik nor his entourage at school very well. C. didn't obviously feel a thing, he was looking around, hiding his amusement. And for a while I felt amused aswell. Who were all these people anyway? It was like an nervous laughter I had to keep in check within me. At the same time, I valued the moment because it had somehing real about it. These tears I saw - they were real. Emmerik was dead - that was real. There just wasn't any room for bullshit. Everything seemed to the point.

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