Monday, March 17, 2008

Am I this psychopath?

getting shot in dreams. I can't recall how many times I've been shot in a dream - like mortally wounded. Since I'm in process no such dreams anymore. However, I wonder if they hadn't stopped already. I remember one day I told Hélène "hey you know what this time I didn't get shot in my dream! Thats amazing!" But she was not in the mood or something. Anyways, I really experienced this as little miracle - because I couldn't see any reason why the pattern suddenly changed - , as if suddenly the tide had changed - because, man, It's so frustrating to dudge a bulet in full confidence and then find yourself shot anyways - like this bullet was unescapable. I allways got shot by unescapable bullets - there never was anything i could do about it. I would get a mortal wound in my stomach and know I was gone, i was dead and don for. I always remember the sense of surprise of the bullet hitting me - because I actually expect myself to be able to dudge it. So that's the fatallity pattern of my dreams.

You know what it is? The moment when I jump I am convinced i cannot die. So, the bullet hitting me is the fear of death kicking in, right in the stomach - merciless. Today I was lying in my bed a lot because i had pains in my intestins again - although I think this time it might actually be the end of it, because I have realised me being equal with my intestins, and a lot of tension disappeared - and I realised how much fear there exist in my world. It is fera everywhere, where did all this fear come from. I'm so Sick of it! Especially when I try to be common sensical about it - meaning: I am responsible for my fear, you do it to yourself, etc. - then anger kicks in, because I find it the most disgusting lunacy, the reality of my world and my experience within. It is complete insanity, designed by a psychopath. See, that's how it feel, all the pointless suffering - designed by a psychopath, someone completely and thoroughly evil. So, when I try to go into self-forgiveness all just compounds, because I still cannot and will not accept this reality as my responsability. Why did I do this to myself? All this torturous rage and fear? Whats the fucking point here? Its like I pushed my own face deep in the sand and then kicking the back of my head even further down with a boot. It is so clear now and I'm really hysterical about it, like What the FUCK !!!!!!!! Am I this psychopath? Why am I this psychopath?!!!!!!!!!!! - and its like I really expect an answer that will 'comfort' me - There's still loads of blame towards people and the world and fucking everything inside me. A few more years and I had become a maniac - guaranteed.

I also feel jalousy with regards to other people because I tend to wanna see the easyness of their process - and start fucking up myself.

My life feel mostly like a prison, like there's nothing flexible. This is all the mind obviously. So for people who believe emotions and feelings are so great, take a look at me. Everything is contained in patterns of repetition by my own fear. Oh, I'm so not enjoying myself, nor this post...

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