Thursday, March 13, 2008


I just found an easy test for myself, to determine if I have self-worth, self-love etc. or if I don't. Apparently i stiil don't, because I asked myself a simple question: am I enthousiatstic about myself, about me? The answer was undeniable: No, not the slightest bit of enthousiasm. I still live in sepatation with enthousiasm, expect certain people to be enthousiastic about me - when I say something or do something - because I'm not able to be enthousistic on myself , by myself, for myself and as myself. I completely lost my enthousiasm.

continuing this post a few moment later... Today I'm supposed to make one or several drawings for someone - and there's the possibility I might even make big money - in my experience - out of it on the long term. I already talked somewhere about my experience with drawing - - and how I lost the 'appetite for drawing'. Apparently it had got much to do with enthousiasm aswell, especially. Now I have this potential little job-opportunity, I realise I have been avoidin and working myself around, ignoring this fucked up experience of me with drawing. Because I see now that I have become scared of drawing, while as a child I would draw all the time. It seemed to be unnessecary to look at it - or so I believed. But now I start considering enthousiasm - and where I actually lost it - the chances are big they got something to do with drawing. Recently Jack told me I would eventually 'return to my expression of drawing' - like a matter of fact statement. The point with this is, it seemed so absurd when he said it. Inside I felt like - 'now why would I even do such a thing, what would be the point of that. I don't wanna go there anymore. NEVER.' It seems like some part of me didn't take him seriously - as I often experience with dimensions, still (when they say something my mind cannot cope with).

The last years I still would draw, it had become the utter expression of inner disgust. That's how it feel now, when writing about it. The making of a drawing, was with the sole intention of making people enthousiast about me - the process of drawing, being total controll and precision, life-less bullshit pictures. I didn't even like my drawings anymore. If nobody 'd give me a compliment, become enthousiast, I wouldn't have drawn. I would always be 'pleased' when people reacted in this way, I would feel accepted. I would feel greatfull for them liking my picture and being anthousiast about it. But where was I "in this picture"? I was NOwhere.

The expectation and greatfullness where very prominent. I wasn't greatfull for me though. I felt zero enthousiasm about me drawing. (now I gonna take a shit, and after that, dinner)

1 comment:

Rajah Mahsohn said...

I can relate to your loss of enthusiasm, After realizing that my life is a pre-programmed setup, I felt like I was duped into believing my life was actually my doing. I felt as though participating in what I once "enjoyed" was not only pointless but was an obstacle in my process. It's not that I am scared of continuing my life as before, it is that I don't want to devote myself to anything but my process. This included dropping all of my "dreams" and "goals" which I thought were mine. But then after a while I realized I'm still here, those things of my "past" have to have something to do with why I'm here, and even though I am self aware I still find myself in apparently the same world in which I started. So now my enthusiam is coming back, but this time I am going to be self honest with myself and ask myself if the end goal supports oneness or separation. I found that the core elements of my "goal/dream" were still intact and those elements were the skills and talents that I have, the parts that fell away were the materialistic end results that I thought I would want. So I just live now and do now without any longterm reason for why, I realize I cannot make a mistake and whatever I do I play my role perfectly in this timeless ironic story.

I am deception