So, realization number 188.8.131.52... etc. Just a few moments it has become even more clear how I have operated the biggest part of my life. I had already written about wanting to be a hero etc, and feeling expendable, recently, but now I found this: when I say 'expendable' I found it equally valid to say 'being a burden' - when applying self-forgiveness ( probably have to do it all over again aswell ) wich then started making much sense. Because now I understand and see where the urge to validate myself comes from, specificly. If I perceive myself to be a burden to someone else - or if I am terrified of being a burden to someone - then I have to make myself Wanted to a very very high degree. People actually have to be proud of me - they must adore me and be greatfull to call me their 'friend'. I must be a bright star - that everyone want to be in the prsence of. Otherwise I experience myself as a burden - expendable - because that is the feeling of me, the experience of me I have allowed myself to become and wich need be supressed at all cost.
And hear this: I see now the motive for having wanted to commit suicide (see previous post in order to understand what I'm talking about http://gabrielietsanders.blogspot.com/2008/02/taking-revenge.html ). because I already had seen for myself how Kurt Cobain had become a hero in my imagination, after reading his biography - but i hadn't been honest about the reason why, as yet... So, I wanted to commit suicide aswell. Why? Because if I commit suicide my friends will "have had a friedn who commited suicide", who is, in other words: a hero. Therefore, when I sat in the train and started wondering about life after death and just bluntly realised maybe I will completely cease to exist: then how will I be able to see myself as a hero, to see the sorrow and regret of my friends because I am such a hero and - hear this - because I am SUCH A GREAT LOSS. So my purpose was my world experiencing THE LOSS OF ME, wich has not much to do with taking revenge, but me wanting to experience myself as absolutely necessary and Unexpendable (onmisbaar). Wich is the exact opposite of expendability, being a burden.
Hmm, so iy is very important - I would say - to be specific in one's choice of words when it come to being self-honest. Because in the beginneing i would just quickly lable my self-experience as feeling worthless, but this is much too abstract - it lead nowhere.
Once I was standing with some 'friends' and a newcommer would want to join us - he was somewhat insecure about himself, he wanted to fit in with us - and suddenly I turned towards him and barked at him: "Go away! You imbecil !" So here I have an example of what it means to project my self-experience unto others. I made him feel a burden, expendable. This degrading of others I would often do - this was my apparant arrogance towards others during the years at public school, after I had gotten out of Kortenberg ( but fisrt I was depressed for +- half a year, thats why i had to re-do my forth grade.)