Monday, March 10, 2008

The feeling of me

The feeling of me = I am expendable. Why the fuck do I even exist? Therefore, I must constantly validate my existence.

This evening I experience much supression, anger - I basically

I don't even have a clue as to how I should put this in self-forgiveness...

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to reject myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to completely separate myself from life and completely reject and forget myself.

I frgive myself that I have allowed myself to kill myself. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe i am not worthy to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am expendable to myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wonder why I even exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to validate myself, because I believed there's no particular reason why I even should exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from existence and fucking hate it.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be angry with myself.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to separate me from life and to hate life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate being alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate and resent being awake.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to look for peace in sleep and drugs - thereby separating me from me as peace.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate other people - because they seem to enjoy themselves.

I frgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jalous of other people - because apparantly they don't have much trouble in enjoying themselves.

I frogive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my body and resent it - because I have judged it to be ugly and inadequate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience me as being expendable - instead of valuing me as me, for what I am in the moment.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge myself as being inadequate to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being not worthy to exist as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear people will see and perceive me as being expendable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as something not worthy of my own notice.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am actually less than nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I exist for the purpose of others - so they will enjoy me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame my body and my intestins for what I allow within me.

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