Tuesday, March 18, 2008

frustration about unequality

Yesterday, after terminating my previous post, I kept on wondering about the patterns of my hate and anger. It starts with a memory I have about me being a child and riding bikes with two or three friends. near our huose there used to be a "racingparcours" for bikes. Basically you had to start on a high point and immediately take a (Oh fuck dees stuk schrrijf ik int nederlands: het parcours begint dus met een hellend vlak direct omlaag en kort daarop is er een "jump", gewoon een horizontaal uitgelegd heuveltje en als ge daarover reed met wat snelheid, dan sprong uw fiets wat in de lucht.) SO, what happened is, I fell down my bike as I crossed over this little jump. And I was very hurt. I didn't have the bike with the "ressorts" or special geering at that time. So the bike just went somewhat out of control, as it came down brutally, and I fell very hard. This pain was so uncool - because now the fun was over for me, as the pain didn't go away. And one of the other children said in a compassionate tone of voice: "You have ALLWAYS bad luck, you." I felt angry and irritated, because I was persuaded he was just talking bullshit. What did he mean, "I have allways bad luck"? What the hell is that supposed to mean? How come that's how he saw me? As someone with bad luck - for my ego it was unacceptable, I refused to even try making sense out of it.

Its funny, when asked some time ago if I ever had been bullied, i would allways say no, completely persuaded of what I say. While the truth is I had been bullied. In my neighbourhood for example there was a kid - K. - and he would allways call me names, whenever he saw me. He did this for no reason, I had never even spoken to him - we didn't know eachother. Especially he would yell at me "hey, you Girl!" because I had long hair (there was a period after primary school people would often confuse me with a girl because my face was not very pronounced.) Even though he was younger than me - I never dared to speak up agaist him, because I felt helpless against what he called me. I found being called a girl - especially in the way he did - very humiliating and also intimidating. Once I was on my rollerblades, and he and his friend came by on their bikes and they just spit on me, both of them. That time, however, i got so mad I chased them for several blocks, but eventually I got so exhausted I gave up.

I dont lnow where I'm getting at, so... I'll just go on. Ah, yes. It all got to do with the feeling of injustice, the unfairness of life I experienced. Thats basically it. To me - life was unfair. Inever understood why my father would hit me - and then hearing from the other children of my class their fathers never hit them. I was What the FUCK !!! Ah, yes - and having a hero-syndrome - I also felt proud of myself, because taking pain and suffering was the "sign of the hero." I was thougher than the others - so I imagined, basically. But in the back of my head also existed the need to explain this discrepancy. Why am I the one being beaten here? Why does there exist this UNEQUALLITY? Basically i was convinced all the other kids had a better life than me, who had this angry father. I continue later...

No comments: