Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I cry and scream

After writing some self forgiveness I came back to a memory about me losing my mind once. So, me and my mother we came back from school - we were alone - I don't know how old I was exaclty, but certainly a very young and little child. When my mother opened the door with her key, she got adressed by a neighbour. I would enter the house and she crossed the street to have a chat. Now, I did something... hmm, I don't remember exactly what was driving me in the moment, but what I did was the following. I sat myself down on the floor in the kitchen immediately and opened my schoolbag and take a scisors out of it to cut something out of paper. So I was supposedly doing schoolwork. But, as I start cutting the paper with the scisors I start feeling all miserable inside. The scissor wasn't going like I wanted, it fellt all uncomfortable and I started getting so frustrated that I just stopped and started jelling after my mother. Now, the yelling was very very desperate - I felt all shaky inside and mad with anger. As I got angry and the frustration compounded because I would want to continue and supress this experience, I started to cry loudly - this is when I shouted for my mom. I never shouted this loud in my entire life. I remember the thrilling of my throat - the force and volume of my words, screaming - I leterally gave Everything I had inside me: everything. My mother came in running, because she had left the door open and had heard me scream her name. And when she found me all helpless in tears of anger - she laughed at me, after i shoutingly explained myself. that I had trouble cutting the paper, that it wasn't working, and apparently she didn't ask beyond this explanation. To her I was "making trouble for nothing". She was slightly irritated because she had been panicing for nothing and come in running in total anxiety, interrupting her conversation - because I sounded like some disaster had happened, like I was in terrible pain, as if I had had a terrible accident. Also I felt I had embarrased her in front of the neighbour, becuase "of nothing". But the despair was very real, the experience had been exactly unbearable - I couldn't handle it on my own. Therefore I had screamed for help. I screamed "MAMAAAAA !!! MAMAAAAA !!!" In the screaming so much pain had come up - that my voice went in complete overdrive.

I feel so bad right now - the heaviness go all into my fingers. I'm scared I will not be able to handle it again, if I find the reason why I was so desperate. but anyways, for the moment I'll just post the SF I had written earlier.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist in fear I may deeply hurt someone - thereby always wanting to anticipate the consequences of my words, of what I say and wanting to controll my words - being 'gentle'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I may hurt leila deeply through speaking me freely. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe Leila will be hurt if I speak myself freely.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that I will cause leila to cry if I am not gentle with her. I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear leila - or anyone for that matter - may hate me if I "cause them inner pain", even if I don't mean to.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear I may hurt someones feelings, thereby causing them to hate me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I may hurt somebodys feelings, because i fear this will give me a bad reputation and everyone will hate me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel panic when I see somebody cry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear peoples tears, because I dont want to see people being hurt around me - as it give me the feeling 'I must do something about it,' but I dont know what.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear maite or leila or my mother or my father or anyone for that matter may see me cry - because then they see me being "weak" and vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I may destroy what is vulnerable around me, through my brutality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my father may see me cry - because then I am not a man.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate crying. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I may lose controll when i cry - crying uncontrollably.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to remain in control of me as the tears that roll down my face - so it don't get "out of hand".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that i will shout when I cry and someone may hear me and know I am completely vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to cry freely and unconditionally.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to condition myself as to cry in silence and not make the fact notice that i cry.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear the expression of me when I cry unconditionally - because I sound like "an animal" and a lunatic and a maniac.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself - me when I cry unconditionally - and judge me to be "overdoing it" and just "making a lot of noice for nothing", because according to someone's judgement nothing dramatic has occured.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe "crying is for girls" and it is a disgrace for a boy to behave and express himself like a girl - it is forbidden.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my parents will make fun of me when I let myself cry unconditionally.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe I may not show my tears and not burst into tears publicly - no matter what.

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