Monday, March 17, 2008

inspecting the trash

when I was in kortenberg I had been in a relation with a girl. Once we were sitting with a bunch of people in one of the hallways that lead to the bedrooms, and she (N.A.) was there too. She was lying half against me and because I wanted to be nice and certainly not look like I was scared of girls I pretended I didn't mind. Well, in a way it had not so much to it, because I hadn't experienced it as something leading to something sexual per ce. It was just someone lying against me - but I was nervous though because My arm or hand was constantly lying somewhere near or against her breast. So I was wonderng if I should put my arm in a different way so as to not touch it, but I didn't want to make her feel like I rejected her - in behaving in a stiff and clumpsy manner. It seemed she was enjoying the way she was lying - her head resting on my thighs - and I actually did not want her to move positions, because I enyojed someone lying against me like this. It was a form of tenderness that had gone out of my world a long time ago. I liked the attention she gave me. And then when the other people had all gone, me and her we were still there and she had not moved. She asked me if I would kiss her. Instantly I felt panic inside, I was affraid. But I supressed this and "played the part". I bend over and kissed her, with my mouth tightly shut though. It wasn't done on purpose, I just couldn't think of any other way to kiss her on the lips. She immediately said in a sober tone of voice: "You have to open your mouth." As this whole thing was new to me I think I trusted her, so I opend my mouth and put my tongue through. Now the sensation of our tongues together in both our mouths, to me, was actually morbid - or so it became as we continued. I supressed this impression and "tried to enjoy the kissing instead". It was all very very confusing. A part of me was "proud of me" because - look! - there's a girl giving me a french kiss! Wow, I never expected a girl "would want to do this to me/with me". (Like in the movies, etc.) The moment we started kissing "for real" she put her hand in my neck - now this was a thrilling sensation to me. Not the kissing - but this gesture of tenderness towards me, her hand lying on/touching my neck and the lower back of my head. I couldn't remember when anyone had shown me so much affection. I felt loved and accepted. But who am i kidding? To feel this pityfull love and affection, I was prepared to supress me completely. hence, as we went into a relation, I started hating her extensively - the look of her would make my stomach crumble. In the beginning I would be able to keep on going - bu with every kiss and with every touch the feeling inside me just became worse. It didn't take long before I told her we need to break up - and she pretended she understood, because she didnt wanto to feel ditched out of the blue.

But she wouldn't leave me alone and keep on trying. It was subtle though and it was actually my own stupid fault. I kept "playing games with her", because a part of me got addicted to the "being together with someone and experience intimacy". So she hung around me and she lookad at me with "begging eyes" and spontaniously I exclaimed I wish I could till kiss her - How fucked up was I actually? -and she said "you may". And there it went again, but this time went on a higher level, because she would let me touch (and lik) her breasts - wich I tought were ugly - but I was trying to figure out a way so I would be able to enjoy her. Also I masturbated her and she almost came and I was amazed at how excited she was and I would kiss her and grab her breasts to feel some excitement too but there was none. (haha, when done she lied on the - bed eyes closed, it looked like she could fall asleep, - and I took a quick opportunity to smell my fingers. She saw it and asked: "what are you doing?" and I said: "oh, nothing". The smell - to me - was not very tastefull.)

From this I develloped a very strong hate against women - I wouln't even admit for myself it existed - but it showed when Maite and Leila would grow older and start developping breasts. Euhm... But anyways, I would be disgusted with the sight of their breasts. I would prefer not to look at them. And if by accident I would touch them, I'd feel not very ok inside. Inner disgust. There still much of this to this day actually. Got to take it out.

So now I got to figure out the 'logic' of this hate. because it was me who allowed myself to abuse myself and even another person - the way I see it. While writing this down there would pop up thoughts about my mother aswell, so gotta look at that too. Pfff, I'm done for a moment.

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