Monday, March 10, 2008

life and death

I feel like shit and I think its got to do with fear of losing myself. I suspect I might have done the following, or something along those lines. I'm just exploring here.

When I see my mother these days - a fear comes up, because of the way her face is changing. She seems to be getting older very quick, an impresson further balblabla, because also she has lost much weight, and the skin of her face got more cracks. Especially when she eats and opens her mouth widely - her face looks old suddenly. I notice this scares me very much. The other day her head looked like a skull to me, I can't describe it. I have been 'pondering and reflecting' much on fear of death these days - taking the words into consideration, spoken by the dimensions, that fear of death - essentially - is the fear to lose yourself. So, what I figured was that maybe I fear the death of my mother more than my own... Meaning, I'm "more scared to lose her than to lose myself." Wich doesn't make any sense. So, apparently I have put/projected something inside my mother - as if it 'belonged to her' while in fact it is me. what have I placed inside her, that would be the question that concerns me... what does she represent for me? If I don't fear losing myself as life - but instead fear losing my mother, wouldn't that mean she represent life - as that wich I have separated myself from?

I wrote some sf, the threw it away and spoke some out loud, so... too bad. I'll continue with this motherfucker later.

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