Today I was taking a walk and suddenly it started "raining ice" (hagelen in dutch) and there was an unpleasant wind that came with it. So I went into some restaurant to have myself a hot chocolat. However, because this place was so crowded they put me in some kind of provisory table, next to the kitchen from where I could observe allmost all the personel working in the kitchen and understand what they said to each other. I could sense everyone was feeling very tense and speaking in a nervous tone of voice. And then there was the "Chef" in white, giving the orders in the kitchen, like a Captain in a ship. At one point the Chef got very frustrated and started treating a guy from personnel in a very degrading manner, he was really being a tirant, and I would get all worked up inside me as I witnessed all this happening, because - man, this guy was all I resent in this world. Giving orders and treating everyone like less than him. Apparantly someone had done something "wrong" and now he was insulting him, afterwards he start insulting even more people around him - and I could sense how this personnel must hate him. They had an inferior look in their eyes - they were so ashamed and embarrased, to be seen like this by other people.
Then I left and start reflecting on my own frustration with this I situation. I started speaking self-forgiveness but I didn't see yet where I was going with it. Because I was angry - yes, but why? In watching the scene, I realised: this is me showing myself something. And if I react to it, than it means I am reacting towards myself. So after a while I started seeing what it was about - very obvious, but the mind will never accept it is deceptive: it is me behaving like the Chef did towards people in my world - wanting to be and believing myself to be the boss over certain people - now this is what you'd call a "cold shower", because this is certainly not how I perceived myself. I believed myself to be the boss over my sisters, over my mother, over allmost all of my female friends - over woman in general - and then the list go on with my friends. furthermore, the desire to be the boss in my world - together with the perception that i actually am. It go through all my relations with everyone (like: am i the boss in this relation? who is the boss in this relation?). Me now going to work for some days - having a job, supposedly - made me see this finally.
This definition of me stemm from WAY BACK - to the early days of me, my childhood. Me seeing my father - whom I so much admired - as The Boss in the house, at school wanting to be The Boss in class and being in rivalry with my 'best friend' because he was actually the boss in class - 'the undisputed boss'. It is the actual arrogance of me, of my mind: the need and want to be the boss. It was like, because my father is the boss - he being my male 'example' - I one day will be the boss aswell. Me myself, I wanted to become a teacher for a long time. Why? To be the boss. Its funny - I had already seen right through this strategy with someone in my life. We were talking about a teacher with some friends, and how this teacher sucks. And I said: she became teacher because she could not 'deserve' a position with authority! There you go. It is the same pattern with me wanting to be right in conversation - being in controll, being the boss. It is the purest and most banal form of Matser-Slave psychology. Its fascinating, I went to an astrologer 6-7 moths ago - and he gave me this as the exact explanation of how my ego works. I reacted in inner convulsion and fear back then, actually not hearing his words.
Now the question would be: why do I wanna be the boss? Why does this need exist? What happens when in a situation I am not the boss? Well, then I feel expendable, unnoticed, inferior. It's like the only way for me - from the perspective of my mind - to feel worthy, is when I see myself as being the boss, being in full and total controll. It got to do with power. I have no power - I am powerless - unless I am the boss, who is GIVEN power by those who submit to "his rule". Fascinating stuff.