Thursday, March 27, 2008

a party with me and then...

yesterday I had my first real fall. Like, from high. I had been doing forgiveness all day - and at a certain point my mind was all in the background of my experience, leaving much room for ME. What I experienced was a form of inner joy and burst-fullness, in wich I let myself go and flow. I ended up singing and making animal-like noices on the street. It was late in the evening and dark outside. This was very much fun, also I began dancing - with me alone and laughing my ass of all the time. But immeditely after I came home - I had gone to work - and found my sisters upstairs, all this inner life - the party inside me with me - crumbled. I started screaming and getting angry with the situattion and got frustrated with my sisters, because they were doing something on themselves and being undisturbed by me. Theafter, I realised the unstable-ness of me, wich was: lack of self-love and lack of self-trust. I had expected them to react in a certain way to me and be supportive of how I was experiencing myself.

So, today I caught myself entering the mind-set of when I entered the house and indulge in the house-world = expectations. I had done some focussed self-forgiveness on fear and stated the -I remain- to myself. Wich helped me stabilize in general. This experience was particularly interesting (me freaking out with my sisters) as I had just some days before realised how self-responsability, self-trust, self-movement is actually all the same. But in the realizing, I had left self-love out of the picture - wich made me allmost go nuts a few days later.

In general girls and woman is where I place love and tenderness in separation. So I believe myself to need woman te be able to be/feel loved and experience tenderness. Because when starting to find out the homosexual desires in me - when i was 15 years old - I could not imagine (and since then have never experienced) myself being tender with a boy or a man. Tenderness and love remained in the female realm, as if love-tenderness and female had become synonymous. All my best friends would be female, and boys I would leave on the doorstep of me, not allowing them even close to how I experienced myself.

In the evening one particular attitude (rather non-attitude) of my sisters had made me go nust, wich was them suggetsing me I should leave the room and go on the computer a floor below in a room on my own (I insisted on taking over the computer leila was using - I wanted to be in "my" room and I didn't wan to leave.) I experienced myself as rejected and unwanted, wich come down to lack of self-love and the expectations I had partaken in as i was climbing the stairs - being exited over how my sisters would see me and be in joy with me - it was like suddenly I had no foundation left. So my startingpoint got painfully revealed - I went through it this morning and afternoon. Figuring I have in particular still some important writing to do with regards to a girl I had been best friends with for more than a year. This, however, is for later.

Furthermore my relation towards my sisters.... Last evening I had become all bossy again - talking and acting like I am formally allowed to expect some level of obedience from my sisters. I was even aware of this in the moment, but the rush of my mind was such that I didn't dare to interrupt it, because of what needed to be faced actually.

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