Thursday, March 6, 2008

Revelations III

Now I'm here it doesn't feel like I want to write anymore... ok, I'm back. This moring I took some hate out of myself. I was speaking forgiveness about a teacher whom I really resented because of the injustice with wich she would treat me, and act towards me for no reason at all. And then suddenly I applied the same forgiveness on my father - and much, much, much started to reveal itself. It didn't take long before I felt overwhelmed by massive amounts of hate - it was old hate, it came from 'far away'. And as I became this hate again, I spoke self-forgiveness and walked trough it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my father because he got mad at me and hit me for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hate my dad because he got mad and hurt me a lot for no reason at all - I hadn't even done anything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be disappointed in my father because he hurt me and punished me and got angry with me, for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hate my mother because she allowed my father to hurt and punish me for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be disgusted with my mother because she would never interfere when my father got angry with me and beat me, for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel betrayed by my mother, because she would always 'tell' my father - thereby allowing him to exert his anger and hate towards me, for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to be disgusted with life and the world, because my father got angry at me and hurt me a lot for no reason at all - and my mother didn't even care.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stand up for myself and say to my father: "Now it is enough, you CANNOT hurt me and hit me for no fucking reason at all!"

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see and realise I am responsible for what i allow being done unto me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create and idea of myself - the desire to become a hero - because i hadn't stood up for myself when I actually had to.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to despise myself because I never allowed myself to stand up for myself aginst my father and allowed him to get mad at me and hurt me for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to become a hero - as a means to hide from myself because of the extent to wich I despised myself for not standing up for myself against my father.

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