Wednesday, March 5, 2008

revelations in the moment

I feel a bit like shit right now. Been doing forgiveness for some time - just now - but I cannot sort aal the emotions out right now that I feel. Generaly, it's a heaviness in my shoulders and ..., kind of everywhere. But as I speak forgiveness I notice many movements, like little slow-motion-explotions in my body - like enrgy-waves - (I say 'energy because i dont know of any other term right now to describe this sensation accurately) they move along my spine eventually - and that's where these movents seem to come together. In general this 'explosions' - they are soft and not violent though - give me some kind of relief in the moment, that's why I guess its probably sensations of release.

The other day - I was 'delving in myself again' and becoming more specific -and I had a re-experience of a moment where I had freaked and I felt completely lost, my body convulsing - because I was lying down (I was going to sleep) - very very extensively (my head was jumpng up and down on the pillow and I breathed like I had a pannic attack - well, probably it was just that.) - but now I was sitting on a chair: I felt the initial panic come up again and my breath going all on his own -way to loud and fast -and tears start rolling on themselves, but I take a hold of my breath and focus and speak forgiveness all the while I cry. Then it was over and apparently gone, taken out. It had to do with a person and fear of loss - and when I was done I realised why I had needed that person so much, and that it actually had nothing to do with this person, who was my best friend for many years - so I saw myself as I had let go of her and I was calm inside.

Since Helena (see previous post) gave me her replie I've started to see my dishonesty - though I was already aware of it but didn't seem to find a way to 'break out' of it - and gave me much 'broader look on myself' - to the allover design of my mind, I would say. The reason why I did not 'want to go there' is because I still had this fear inside: that certain feelings must be forgotten as soon as possible to never experience them again. And so I avoided them -because, have a look: I had never known of any way to free myself from this, so what would be the point in 'going back to it', it would be blunt self-mutilation - and also, i must admit, I had a fear to lose control and cry like a baby. But with self-forgiveness the 'going back' serves a purpose: to actually take it out forever and be free again.

Can I write about it? i'm thinking of my father again, that one of these days he's definitely gonna explode BIG TIME. Who will I be when this happens? Will I fall back into paralysing fear? It was interesting, last time my father got angry I was able to observe myself - luckily the situation permitted this - and sense what it is I was actually experiencing inside myself. I found that, besides the fear that made me literally tremble inside, there existed other kinds of anxiety asswell. I found a fear to start crying - I haven't really investigeted this one yet - to lose controll, because I was trying to hold ùyself together - and man, this is HARD and goddamn heavy. Concentrating so as to not show any of my feelings to my dad - so that he may not think I am weak. But, I guess my eyes allways betray me - because I allways knew whem he could sense my fear. He'd be pleased with himself. Lately when he gets angry and afterwards I look him in the eye, he turns his eyes away, however. So, I discovered that he has fear too, or, I dont know. it is as if my look - however short - dethrones him from his position of certainty. I remember me and my sisters we'd allways look away - when he was mad at us, we couldn't -or at least I didn't dare to stare him in the eye - thereby, without having any intentions, making it kind of easier for him to let himself go on us, because he must never face us.

This was klind of the rule. after he dot mad at us, w'd never look at him because he'd be looking at us and still judging us wth a look that says: "yes, I despise you." with fury still in his eyes and the way he curled/formed his mouth.

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