Sunday, March 30, 2008

searching for the mother

Because both my parents are away from home for a while, wich leaves me and my sisters alone in the house - and me going to work in the mornings - I sensed heavy frictions inside me that had not been so clear before. When I come home, back from airport, I immediately sense I am expecting something wich just isn't there. I get frustrated and lost over Maite and Leila being busy doing their own things and not paying any special attention to me. Furthermore today there was no food in the house, wich gave me a sense of lostness - and I felt angry for a moment towards my sisters because they 'don't take care of things'. My mother being away make me realise how much I count on her being present - she give structure and feedback, even if she irritate me more often than not. This was particularly the case, I felt discomfort about there being nothing to rely upon, once I get home. It is just two beings who happen to be in the house together (maite en leila) and now I am there too. The fact that it make no difference for them if I am home or not almost drive me crazy. With my world getting downsized, everything is getting compressed - my relation-patterns and tendencies - into these two beings. Them not playing this along with me, give me no choice but to have a close look at what I am doing.

So, I suspect - yes suspect, because the frustration point in that direction, but still no real memories, except one now I think of it. A year or so ago I remembered for the first time how when I must have been 6 or 7 years old I changed Leila's dipers. Only today I realised in the memorey I am not enjoying this changing of dipers at all - I actually feel repulsed by the amount shit and by its smell, and I feel frustrated it is me who must do this - put a new diper on Leila. Lately I have been trying to go into forgiveness on separation with tenderness, but it never get me really far, because too general. Now, with my mother. Ok, this is from an analytical perspective, speculation, but for the moment its just all I have: Hmmm... much resistance to write the words. Maybe in my experience it is as if I lost my mother when Maite came on stage. It is like I am writing about the stone-age or something right now. Also there is this: apparently I connected my loss of motherly affection and tenderness to me being a boy. There is 4 years difference between me and maite. Today I was like, hmm, that is actually a lot of years difference for a child. This is it for now. Much tears but no clarity.

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