Saturday, March 29, 2008

surprising plot

After I had been put in Kortenbenrg, a few days later I received a visit from my father. He had come alone for some reason - I dont remember the prcticals of it anymore. We went to sit in the restaurant/cafetaria of the hospital and he then told me "the story of his family and of his father". I feel awkward re-telling the details of it, because it is not up to me to do this here - but the bottom line was him and his family had gotten through a real hell after his father or someone else of the family had committed suicide - because three people of the family (all brothers) had killed themselves. He also told me some tragic events that were actually unrelated to this suicides, but wich took place shortly afterwards - it was a really long story. It was the first time my father spoke to me directly and frankly of his past - the Real Past - the family secret. He concluded his story whit words: "So now you see how the descision of ONE PERSON affect and ruins the lifes of an entire family." This person - was me, in the new situation - in the repeated history, because of my infamous attempt at suicide.

I was really surprised he made this the morale of his story. To him - I was the bad guy. He was basically telling me: you fucking prick, look what you have done to ME. You do it to me all over again - YOU are the enemy I thought would never come back again. I was especially surprised by the conclusion, because I had assumed - while he was busy telling me the story - that he was sharing something intimate with me, because he felt it was time he finally told me this. Clearly this was not a correct assumption.

A while ago my father confirmed this for me again, when he said: since you pulled your thing years ago I have been working my ass of !!!!

I did not want to come back at this, the teling of this event -but through a dream and Maite giving her perspective on it, I was kinda forced - taken by surprise. I post it below, together with her perspective.

dream: "I have killed my father and he lies down on the floor. When i tell my mother she freaks completely, she starts losing her balance litaerally - but then its like she is relieved in some whay and think it is better now (my dream, lol). Most of the time I'm scared in the dream, trying to cover-up and make sure no one find out I'm responsible for murdering my father. I start putting traces out there - like crushed biscuits in mailbox of the neighbours, doesn't make any sense to me either - so that people will follow empty tracks that lead nowhere. So, its mostly about me covering up my unholy crime and feeling anxiety."

Maite: "Gabs, look at maybe where you feel responsible for dad and the experience of him - in your dream you being responsible for murdering him. You fearing it is your fault and trying to cover up this anxiety and guilt for yourself. Look at this sentece especially: 'Most of the time I'm scared in the dream, trying to cover-up and make sure no one find out I'm responsible for murdering my father.' Just replace 'the dream' with 'my life' and 'murdering' with 'the experience of'."

ok, some more on this. when my father was telling me the story of his family - I thought it meant I had finally succeeded in drawing his attention, that now he would treat me more equal - like an adult, supposedly. It is interesting - while he was telling the story, I identified myself with the people that had committed suicide - I was fascinated by them. So when he ended the story I realised I had chosen the 'wrong side'. My mother added to this, that once - when she and my father knew eachother for some time - she had brought the subject up of his father and if he would sometimes 'visit him in the cemetary'. My mom told me he answered: there was nothing of any interest whatsoever to him in that cemetary.

In general this was all very confusing information for me to process - because where the hell did all this stuff suddenly come from?

I forgive me that I have allowed me to think I am responsible for how my father experiences himself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear all my father has had to endure is now my fault.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I have to make up my unholy sin to my father - because he has suffered enough already.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make my father suffer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not at all realise each and every one is responsible for the experience of themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I am the bad guy in my fathers life - and if this is the case, then I should better not exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel guilty about the misery my father experiences.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to regret and feel guilty about me running away from home and wanting to commit suicide - because it was not my intention to make my father suffer this greatly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe it is my fault the family is gotten screwed up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe and think I screwed up my fathers life - that I did this to him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel terribly sorry for my father because of what I have done unto him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I am in some way Rotten and Degenerate inside - because I brought so much suffering unto my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe and think i do not deserve life - because of what I have done to my father.

I frogive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being a criminal and a terrorist in the life of my father- I blew up his life.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe I actualy dont deserve my own care and attantion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe i dont deserve my own love.

I frogive myself that i have allowed myself to believe and think I dont deserve this world.

I frogive myself that I have allowed me to think my parents should not spend too much effort on me because I dont deserve it (anymore).

I frogive myself that i have allowed myself to believe it is my fault my father feel all miserable inside.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe my father was in his right to blame me for ruining his life - instead of realising he screwed up himself, for himself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe and actyually think I am the "cause" of my fathers pain and suffering and sadness.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe and think people make eachother suffer.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed me to realize people do it all unto themselves, and blame eachother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I am the cause of my father suffering, sadnees and pain.

No comments: