Friday, March 7, 2008

vulnerability and fear of death

I was thinking I must write about leila now - because the forgiveness is just going in cirkels. Kind of awkward, because I dont want leila to know what my experience of her is/was. I'm also afraid I might say thing that are not true, or 'correct'.

Right now I just wonder - have I put my own vulnerablity inside leila? Because that is how i see, experience her: she's vulnerable. tears in my eyes means: yes.

Why did I not want to be vulnerable? This question really freaks me out. I also projected my vulnerability in a friend I had. O, what the hell, I might just as well tell her name. I'm talking about Hélène. So - I first 'put' my vulnerability in H. and then apparantly more in leila, as i dont see H. anymore. Many - too much - comes up right now, things start making sense.

Why do I fear being vulnerable? has it got to do with my father again? my body is going nervous, as I ask myself this question, so there's probably something to it.

I'm afraid of having pain - to experience pain.

When my father gets angry at me, I still can feel many many walls closing in on me - inside me, to seemingly 'protect' myself. I become a wall. Last time I could clearly experience this locked-up-ness inside me. me locked up in fear. I'm really starting to get amazed at how much fear I have inside - when I do forgiveness, it just keep coming. So what the hell do I need this fear for anyway? Why and how could I blieve this fear protects me? and against what?

For some reason my thoughts go to the bird right now - I experience the fear i have of doing him harm - tears again - I was afraid of killing him, causing him torture-like pain, through touching him wrongly or something, or he might hurt himself. A couple of moths ago we cut the nails of his toes, was a real mess, and we hit many vains -so there was blood coming out of his toes. I even pulled out an entire nail, without actually cutting it - because I couldn't control the movement of my hand. it was too presise work and I was nervous and very afraid of hurting him.

So, obviously - when it come to vulnerability, there is much fear of death involved.

I also get worked up over the very word vulnerability, because in dutch it is translated as 'kwetsbaarheid' - wich literally means 'being in a state of possibly getting hurt'. So I feel much anger towards this. because, why should I WANT to get hurt? In my experience it's like 'being vulnerable is actually asking for it'. Or maybe it is an expectation. Yes. Well, expectations dont come out of the blue, do they? This is my anger speaking... ok, I have 'enough material to work with for now'.

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