I have some new revelation/realization (real -I-zation - I become real as me) I want to write about. I figured out some more about vulnerability. This I find particularly interesting and also quite funney: the way I re-descover me is in a kind of 'backward way'. I work completely backwards. First i find one thing and I go: aha ! Then I find another thing and go: oops, I was slightly mistaken, but now i am 'aha !' again. And so on. Mistaken, meaning: still being dishonest with myself. Its fascinating how -from a mind's perspective - I didn't know myself at all. I was completely lost -therefore it was impssible for others to really 'get to know me'.
ok, so about vulnerability. I found being vulnerable had - for me -become the opposite of the 'hero'. The (ideal) hero is - preferably - unvincible, undestroyable. He's unvulnerable. And what does the hero do? He rescue's others, who ARE vulnerable. Thats the whole point of 'going to the rescue.' Some moments ago i came to realize this. The jears I was in university this became particularly cristalized. Because I had completely changed enviroment - nobody knew my parents or my sisters, nor my whole previous life - I could 'finally pretend to be a hero', meaning, being unvulnerable. This I did through pretending/believeing i could solve peoples personal problems - through listening with much attention and then giving 'my opinion', as to what I thought they should consider. People would thus believe I was a good listener and someone with great insight.
Me wanting to be a hero, meant: me not being able to experience myself as being vulnerable anymore. What I did was separate vulnerability from myself - I couldn't find vulnerability inside myself no more - and place/project it into my surroundings, people I became 'friends' with - especially my female friends. So, my big ego, was/is mostly this: me perceiving myself to be the hero in 'my world'. Took me a long while to figure out.
I just recall, with Hélène I had this particular thing I would 'start to get worried' when I could not reach her by phone for a while, fearing something 'might have happened to her'. This fear would become really exagerated, completely baseless and out of proportion. So, now I see why I had this fear. Very simple once you understand.
These days it is becomming very clear and obvious too just how the mind is there just to keep us busy - because now I clearly start to see this for myself, whereas before I didn't.