Yesterday I was sitting next to leila who was on chat with Paul and suddenly she announced she invited paul over for the hollidays. I immediately felt completely uncomfortable - and I realized it had to do with th idea of another man being in the house, together with us - with me. So just now I was watching Paul vid on his salvia experience - not that it got somthing to do with anything, but hey, i just feel like posting the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpoomKN_kRo - and then it occured to me that this was actually the problem: I'm scared of other men. I'm like "huh?" Its interesting, when I walk on the streets and people pass me by, it is easy to feel when "I go into the mind" and in what type of reaction specificly I go as well. So, when a man or a guy walks by, I tend to look him straight in the face. Fok this is hilarious, I'm laughing my ass of ! Now, this looking in the face is pure"defence" - style: "don't you try anything on me you fokker, I can take you on - no problem!" I need to give the impression I'm a tough bastard. Fok, this look I do, it's actually allmost provocation. Damn, this is seriously messe up. hahahahahaah !
I think i'm gonna observe myself in this... more to come.