Tuesday, April 15, 2008

the hopeless quest for comfort

With previous posts I came to undesrtand something. To put it simple, I have been on a quest for comforting - looking for comfort everywhere around me. Last days I have written extensively about this - self-forgiveness - handwritten. what I basically came to understand is that I had separated myself - me -from comfort. Since Kortenberg, this is what I have been searching for vigorously: a source of comfort. In this way I have been accumulating my anger and sadness with my life -never having to really look at it. Therefore last days -in realizing myself as comfort as me - much sorrow and heavy sadness has come to the fore, demanding to be dealth with. The separation was so vast, so all-pervasive, it didn't occur to me anymore what I was actually doing all the time. For example, when the girl N.A. placed her hand in my neck while kissing me - this is what I had enjoyed about it: it gave me comfort. this was true with virtually every bit of affection that was shown to me. It comforted me. For example when Katrijn suddenly held my hand in the walk. There is time from which on I would even experience comfort when certain people would pronounce my name, when they need me for something, nomatter what for. I looked for comfort in smoking, in drinking alcohol, in getting wasted, in eating foods, in drinking chocolat milk, in chocolat, in listening to music, in watching films and placing a warm blanket over me, in taking a warm bath, in taking a shower, in placing my hands under this machines that blow hot air to dry your hands, in experiencing the sun shining on me as I walk the streets, In lying in my warm bed, in going to sleep, in singing melancholical songs to myself, in blowing weed, in sitting very close to a girl body -feeling her bodywarmth, in masturbating, in orgasm, in receiving a kiss on my cheek from a woman, in reading novels and stories, in hope of a better furure, I would even take comfort in the idea that one day I will be dead - "I will not exist anymore" - eternal sleep. I took comfort in the idea that I can allways kill myself whenever I want, in comming home after a day at school, I took comfort in sitting on a bus, in eating ice-cream, in wearing gloves, in wearing a warm sharp, in wearing warm clothes, in sitting next to a radiator, in reading philosophy, in philosophical knowledge, in poetry... I took comfort in meditation, in relaxation, in being touched in the face by a girl/woman, in the doctor examining my chest - because she touched my naked skin, in making and devellopping stories in my head, in imagining myself another world.

I realize me as comfort.

I am comfort as me.

I recognize and aknowledge comfort as myself as me as all as equall as one as me.

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