Saturday, April 5, 2008

Introspections after getting fired

So today my parents returned from their vacation. I told them I lost my job, that I got fired - because they asked me how work had been this week. They were mor surprised than upset, aslo because of the way I told it. I tried to not be carried away by anxiety, but there was still a lot - fear of their judgement. What bother me is that I tried to give an explanation as to "why I got fired", to justify it - so that I don't look too bad. (the work was simply too intensive and hard etc.) But all this reasons don't actually matter. Why can't I be fearless with my parents? What exacty do I fear? My father, for one, he was a bit stunned by this, my mothger too I think. I just told them boldly and then carried on and told it was ok and I would find another job.

After I got upstairs I just felt like crying, and I cried. But it was not about me being fired. rather I felt regret... i'm not sure though about what. A few days ago I watched "Jurrasic Parc" and immediately afterwards I set off for work. Underway I cried heavy tears - I had not seen this film in more than maybe ten years, while it was one of my favoriete movies when I was a child, we had the film on cassette. It is this same cassette I watched again. I don't know what exactly triggered the tears - but in starting to speak self-forgiveness I quickly found I had regret about losing my child freedom. The freedom I experienced as a kid , had lots to do with my imagination. It seems that when I was a child the world was vast and endless, while later it has become more and more closed, more and more limitted. I used to play a lot with lego in my room - I played all alone, by myself, there was no need for anyone else. This was no "innocent" playing, however. i would play War games, with two opposing armies. This is how I perceived life as a child. There was the good ones and the bad ones - and the bad ones, they never won. I wanted to be part of the good ones, and not just an average good one, preferably a hero, THE hero. So the War/spacebattle would always end in a very similar way. And this game I played over and over again - allways the same scenario.

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