Sunday, April 13, 2008

Katrijn, after being drunk

The experience I had of myself in the years after Kortenberg is so horrific, that I have been neglecting to write about it. So, let's continue the story with Katrijn.

After our little escape we became closest friends. It seemed we only had eachother in the world. I relied on her completely. this started when we had another department-activity in the outside. I don't remember what it was, but it involved us being without supervision, walking alone - the whole bunch of us. Me and Katrijn were walking besides eachother. Because she was certain we didn't feel sexually attracted to eachother - she then took my hand. The sensation I had was me.. how to say this. It just felt great. I felt loved - I felt all vulnerable inside. from that point on we develloped a style of intimacy - which would make everyone suspect we were in love with each other. We became unseparable.

One day she felt like us going for a walk - we were now both on the "to be trusted" list again, so we could leave hospital and come back before a couple of hours. I had allmost never drank alcohol in my life - just sometimes when in boyscouts to play tough, but without even enjoying it. Her plan was to get me drunk that day. It just seemed like fun to her. Well, initially we wanted to be drunk the both of us, but when it came to it, she let me drink allmost the entire pissang bottle - I never would drink this stuff again. I wasn't familliar with strong alcohol - I had actually never been drunk in my life, I had no clue about what I was doing - drinking allmost the entire bottle in less than 20 minutes. She gave me most of it on purpose: she was really eager to see me drunk, she said. The way she said it, it sounded like it actually would be fun. By the time we were back in the hospital - I was all wobbling, stumbling around. Back in department, I satrted making a hell of a noise. Screaming and yelling at people randomly. I stayed a while in my room like this - Katrijn was then still with me. It was exciting to her, from the perspective of having fun. She enyoied taking care of me, me being unable to do this the state I was in. At one point I started to cry - I was asking her to not feel so bad all the time, so miserable. This made her sad and shed some tears as well. At one point I forced her to tell what had happened to her when she was a child - what made her so miserable. Then she talked about her being sexually abused more than once. After a while the two nurses came in -one of them a guy -and Katrijn slipped out of the room. She kind of beat it. Then I start yelling at nurses and I called her a stupid bitch to her face, spitting heavily on the floor, right there in my room. Normally I was this gentel person they were used to. So, I really freaked them out. I felt so hatefull all of a sudden. I was put in isolation - carried under my shoulders, as I could barely walk - until I was sober again. Hmm, now i think of it. this was my main expression while being drunk: just spitting around, hatefully.

After this incident there was a change of behaviour with katrijn. she started experiencing hate towards me - in the face of which i felt rather helpless. I became ffraid of her, because I didn't understand why she was so angry with me for no apparent reason. Well, affraid - in the sense that I would allways be very very carefull with her, scared to not upset her. It becaome like moodswings. In the day she was hatefull and in the evening she would look me up again, that's when she would be "normal with me again" - very fucking strange. anyways thsi got worse and worse - until I could take no more. Life in kortenberg suddenly wasn't all that peace and joy anymore. It became unbearable to live near K. - and note, this hate and anger she would only experience with me. With the others of our group she'd be all sweet - So, allthough I was aware of the irrationality of her emotions, I blamed myself constantly. i had put everything that was vulnerable of myself inside her and now she blocked me out. She was like a mad watchdog, saying: get the FUCK OUTA HERE !! get out of my face !!!

From the moment she would see me, she'd get all irritated. Particularly when I would seek eyecontact - this fucked her up completely. And I would seek eyecontact everytime I saw her in a room - when I'd meet her so to speak. In all this I realise, I had become completely dependent on her too. So, when she rejected me, I would feel lost, not knowing what to do. There was something desperate about me seeking her eyecontact all the time - I was constantly checking how she was now, because it all didn't make any sense to me. Actually me seeking eyecontact was an act of total desperation. what was I looking for? Some form or sign that indicated she still liked me. I guess I was also trying to make her feel sorry for me - especially that. (Actually this would become one of my "strategies" in the years to follow: when I felt bad, I'd try to make people feel sorry for me. In this, I would be able to take advantage of people having a certain perception of me related to me having been in psychiatry - that I was depressed apparently. Apparently this would provide me with a specail kind of attention. - special treatment - I was aware of me doing this, but at the same time it seemed to have become "who I was". It took me allmost four years to break with this. That was when in public school again, Celine told me to go see a shrink or else she wouldn't speak to me again.) This was really fucked up -because in behaving like this, I would comply with me feeling sad and then USE this sadness to attrackt special care and attention towards me. Therefore, as long as I was sad, people would be nice to me. Interesting how with Katrijn this gave the exact opposite result.

Her anger was so extensive K. wouldn't be able to conceal it any longer. One day at the table she said, half raising her voice: "what are you looking at me like that !!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hmm. What bothered me - what I really hated- was there was other people in the group. A. and D. - a girl and a guy. At some point there was only four or five of us. A and D just seemed to take advantage of this situation - Katrijn not speaking with me anymore and hooking up with them.

Fuck - I dont find the correct fucking words and chronological order. Ok, the bottom line of what happened is: first it had only been me and Katrijn - against the rest. Now suddenly she dropped me in favour of other people she seemed to enjoy just for the sake of getting at me even harder. Suddenly the "group-configuration changed". There was A, D and K, forming a joyfull threesome, and then there was me, alone - excluded. The fucked up thing was, because she ofthen would come back to me normally - trying to make me understand how she felt and why she couldn't help it - and then she'd accept me again, let me back in and we'd be all close etc. Because of this, I could not make any peace with this "reconfiguration". From my mind's experience it was even as if A and D were enjoying me being dropped out - they seemed to enjoy me being treated like this by katrijn: because this meant she would be friends with them again. Or maybe they just didn't care - very possible too, actually. I'll take a look at this situation, because I had allmost forgotten about it.

In being friends with Katrijn, it had also to do with the both of us feeling better than the rest. We perceived ourselves to be smarter, more adult. I thought all the other people were more or less stupid - in the whole department. So, in regularly dropping me, I would stand al alone - while she would seem to have no problem in enjoying herself with the few other people of our particular group. I had been arrogant with regards to A. specificly - when being with K. - so, when K. decided to stick with the others again, A. wouldn't bother making me feel accapted in the group. My arrogance had been based on the certainty me and K. formd an inseparable team. What I did then was to pretend I could enjoy A and D aswell - to find myself a way back to K. While in actual fact these people made me feel sick. Hmm... apparantly I thought they were arrogant ! The thing was I couldn't stand Katrijn choosing their company over mine.

When reading back my words I notice that with regards to this episode in my life I'm still kind of approaching it from the startingpoint of self-pity and blame towards others. so, I gonna give myself some sf on this.

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