Tuesday, April 1, 2008

tenderness and my mothers body - I am not qualified for love

In previous post I had talked about connecting loss of mother tenderness to me being a boy. I vagely remember moments where my mother was in the bathroom with maite and leila -just the three of them - and I sensed or assumed I was not allowed to enter, because it was all girls and a woman amongst themselves. Was it me who "excluded" myself? There was a period where I would take baths together with leila, she being very little. But then I started diliking this, because leila would - this started at some point and then never stopped - allways want to touch my penis - for her this was just a game. She would try to touch it and I would be all upset and block her hands. This was so much fun for her she laughed all the time while doing this. Then I said I did not want to take baths with her anymore "because she shit in the bath" - wich had happend once and a while, some time ago, but it was not the real reason.

I dont think this was already the case when it was just me and maite, but when leila joined in it became apparent to me I was the "different one". Because they were both girls there existed more intimacy amognst them and my mother, on a physical level. Leila would - even if she grew big very fats - want to sit on my mothers lap for until a very late age. I mean: I saw it as weird and abnormal that leila being this or that age now - still being welcome to sit on my mothers lap. I hated leila for this. I saw her as being sticky towards my mother and absorbing all her attention and tenderness. And a part of me started disliking my mother aswell. Even today I am completely uncomfortable about my mothers physical presence - when she is very close to me. This is not solely related to leila, however.

For example my sisters don't seem to have a problem with hugging my mother. For me this is allmost unthinkable. I also remember starting to have problems with seeing my mother naked, for example when we would go swimming and take a family cabine to undress ourselves. I sarted feeling repulsed by the idea of touching her body. I became affraid of her body. An invisible wall has risen between me and my mothers body. I had the feeling that it was not my mother anymore - and I didn't like her touching me aswell.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel repulsed about my mothers body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affraid of my mothers body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affraid to hold my mother, to give her a hug.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be angry when my mother try to show me tenderness.

I hated my mother because once she gave me a painfull slap in the face - this was very rare. Normally only my father would hit me. I didn't expect this from her. I thought she was evil in that moment.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hate my mother because she gave me a painfull slap in the face.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself because I don't receive my mothers tenderness anymore and physical affection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame my penis that I am being excluded from physical tenderness with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe and think I do not deserve mother physical tenderness because I have a penis.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that i am to old now for any tenderness with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my mother is repulsed by my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my mother will reject me if she sees my phisical body.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be ashamed about my physical body towards my mother, because I am a boy - but I am not a man.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my penis and my physical body because I am a boy, but I am not a man.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be frustrated about the size of my penis - because I am not a man like my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i must either be a girl or a man, but with the size of my penis and the weakness of my body I am neither of both.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am inferior to my sisters because "I am neither a girl or a man."

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire being either a girl or a man, so as to be equall with my sisters or with my father.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hate being aboy, because it means i am nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that if I am neither a girl or a Man then I am actually nothing - so I must make a choice.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel inferior to girls because I "am not even a man"- I have no real strength like my father.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear that if my mother don't show me physical afection, she don't love me anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that because I am neither a girl nor a Man, I am not "loveable"- I cannot be subject to someone's real love.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe I am not loveable - even for myself.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to reject myself because apparently I am not loveable - as my mother dont love me anymore like she used to.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to exclude myself from life and from love and tenderness - because apparently I am not qualified for love.

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