I realised just now, another pattern was involved in the drawing and subsequently with the writing. Fot me it had allways been about skill, about levels of difficulty. In the drawing I would always want to go a step further, want to make it even more amazing. For example through drwaing little tiny pattern-motives inside some figure on my page. In this I develloped a lot of patience. It was all about the details, about perfection. There was a period I started to occupy myself with Origami as well, this is folding sheets of paper into all different kinds of animal and other figures. In this it would also be about the skill. Look at what I am able to do ! Yes - nobody else can do this ! This - interestingly enough, I started doing in St-Lukas, art school. i had found myself a new skill to devellop and in this become unbeatable (I started in first or second grade and continued a couple of years.). I would search the internet for the most complex diagrams - sometimes I would spend three hours in folding myself a dragon or a dinosaur or even an insect. I did this very patiently - but I was not HERE, not in the moment having fun, but already being in the future when the thing would be completed and I could show it to someone. It's so obvious, actually, now I think back at it. For example, most of the time I would just fold this stuf right in school -during breaktime or in classes where the teacher wasn't bothered by this. so everybody would be able to see what I had accomplished. WOW, I just remembered, I also bought myself a book with magic tricks - illusion-tricks with cards mostly. Oh my God, I had allmost forgotten that period. hahahaha, this was right after and also a bit together with the paperfolding. Funny enough, the book was from the same author who had written the first origami book I bought. Maybe he had same mind-set as me, haha! But anyway, in the card-tricks: same pattern, learn all the tricks, devellop skill, to become amazing. Again I was very "succesfull." Meaning: I was able to keep myself busy again for a while. Now I see. The thing is people became tired of the things I did, so to speak, so every time I had to come up with something new. I constantly needed to find myself new ways to remain in the spotlight - to not back away into "averageness".
Only with the writing did I find myself an occupation with which to keep people constantly fascinated/amazed. Because in writing a story - the "audience" get to enjoy themselves in participation through reading themselves, it was different as with the other things I had done. Pleople seem to find there is real magic in stories - so did I. In reading stories - fiction - one present an illusion that is almost total. It is a reality-shift. When people read a story their minds are literally gone for a while - they are away. So, with writing it was even more: "wow, how are you able to do this?" In a way it seem exaggerated how I put it, but basically that's what people's amazement consisted of - because they could just not imagine themselves writing a story this - apparently - skillfully, because they simply couldn't write. What I found with my writing and the enjoyment I had in this, is I knew I had finaly found myself a road on which no one would be able to follow me - that's what it was about - to shake all and every competition "off my back'".
But the question remains, why did I start this quest to begin with?