Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Self-blame

Ok this nut has taken me a while to crack and to simply figure out it was even there. With me being angry after work - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sljkj5pRZ4A - I figured it had to do with feeling inferior to a boss or manager, but it is not quite that either. What i found as being a real trigger is when I blame myself fro doing something "wrong" or not being "up to something" - I do this so often I didn't even see it anymore. I literally blame myself for everything that go "wrong" around me, this go from apparent little insignificant to visible stuff. I blame myself when somebody in my presence feel bad or is in pain or sadness, I blame myself when I drop something on the floor, I blame myself when at work I don't immdiately understand something, I blame myself when my parents are sad or angry, I blmae myself when my father gets angry - no matter who he is supposedly angry with, I blame myself when somebody gets irritated or frustrated by something in my presence - even if this has in an obvious way nothing to do with me, I blame myself when somebody is unhappy around me, I blame myself when somebody cry around me, and the list goes on. I blamed myself when we were playing foofdball, because I believed it was my fault we were losing the game.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blmae myself for everything that supposedly go "wrong" around me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself when my mother is sad or upset.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself when I tell something to somebody that afterwards appear to be incorrect.

I forgive myself that I have alowed myself to confuse self-responsibility with constant self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I am to blame when somebody hurts himself around me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself when something happens to a friend of mine.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself when something happens to a friend of mine, because I fear "I may have played a part in the circumstances that may have lead to my friend having an accident."

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for the death of Emmerik - because I "could have been a better friend to him and be more supportive towards him."

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself for F. being devastated after his father died, because I didn't go to the funeral of his father.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself for F. his father dying of lung-cancer - "because I smoke cigarettes too".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself "because L. is completely devastated because of how her boyfriend treat her and I could have been a better friend to her thereby preventing her being so sad and broken."

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself because L. don't talk to me anymore - therefore I must have done something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blmae myself because Katrijn is angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for Katrijn exploding in anger and desperation, because I hepled her to run away, thereby causing her parents to be mad at her.

I forgive myself tht I have allowd myself to blame myself for not visiting Katrijn enough.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blmae myselfbecause I gave Katrijn some weed to smoke, while she was on heavy medication, thereby causing her to have a heavy psychosis wiitch lasted for several days.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself "because it was me who had given her the weed".

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself because she expected me to visit her every friday - and on one day I just had not come, while she had spend and entire day in isolation cell - looking forward to my visit.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself "because ktrijn was all in tears on tyhe phone begging me to coma and visit her - because she had imagined and expected I would come because it was friday."

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself because this girl was getting angry at Wim - to the point he was getting tears in his eyes and he didn't dare to give her any response.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for Katrijn being hatefull with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for the suffering Katrijn went through after she had smoked weed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I "caused" Katrijn to suffer, not realising she did it to herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself when my mother sudenly get angry/upset with my father - because I assume this is somehow related to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for my father apparently being angry because he raises his voice, as I would lay my ear against the floor of my room.

I foegive myself that I have allowed myself to blame myself for my father being angry with someone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself when my fayther gets angry at someone.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself when my father is depressed - because he having to take care of me is the cause of his worries.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accpeted myself to blame myself for my fathers "loss of freedom".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for my father being unhappy - because I cause him so much trouble.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself because my father is affraid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself because my mother is affraid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself because I watched porn and my parents found out and now they think i am a pervert - degenerate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for my parents being angry at me.

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