Ok, so what I want do now is continue (Part I, if u care to read, but if u wanna understand its actually recommended, is here: http://gabrielietsanders.blogspot.com/2008/04/what-about-my-sexuality.html )on the sex-system. some moments ago I suddenly realised the big picture of how I function whith regards to sexuality. Remember I had written in a previous post about N.A. - the girl I had had a short 'relation' with. ( for N.A. story: http://gabrielietsanders.blogspot.com/2008/03/inspecting-trash.html ) I also wrote that I had masturbated her - now hear this. The situation had been as follows. I was standing with my back against a wall and she stood with her back against me, me supposedly holding her. This is where I had gotten excited and I had shoved my hand down her pants - I couldn't controll myself. I had not felt the urge to do this before with her, to even touch her vagina. what gave me the sudden uncontrollable rush to do it, was the mere fact that I was holding her and her face was turned away from me: she couldn't actually look at me in the eyes. I didn't see her face.
The whole bussiness about masturbation is that you are persuaded nowone can see you - what you are doing, but most of all: what you are imagining, picturing in the mind. So, this was certainly the case with me. Even within the imagination, it came to a point I couldn't fantasize a girl/woman face towards me- therefore I would picture myself having anal sex with girls/woman (this I had seen as another indication for the assumption that i was gay). Because the deal with anal sex is that you don't look the other person in the eyes, and they don't look you in the eyes. This was thing that apparently would excite me and this alone - and for the moment it still does, as i am not done with it yet. The excitement was generated by the situation of abuse.
This is easily retracable in the changing pattern of my sexual fantasies. My first fantasies entailed me being in some form or another being taken prisoner, and thus being at the mercy of girls/women. There was one in which i imagined being tied onto a chair alone in a room. Then the point of excitement would be a girl openeing the door and walking towards me, and opening her legs to come and sit on me - me not being able to move in any way, not even my arms who were tied on my back. There were sevaral variations on this situation, but they had all the same structure/form. Also remember the fantasies I had which I posted in my question to Dimensions, about the X-metallic structure: my early fantasies all entailed me being abused - victim. Then later on this shifted, I dont see exactly right now with certainty what cased this "change of roles" - but anyhow, I became the abuser in my fantasies. This being exemplified in my preference for imaging having anal sex - and in this the rest of the body - other than her ass and her back - would not even matter to me. Right before that i had a fantasy of me having 'normal sex' with a woman, but here she had some sort of little blanket/tissue over her face. So again: I couldn't stand being seen.
Once I had a discussion with a friend of mine, amny years ago - and she suddenly was surprised that I apparently expected that when having sex she would close her eyes: she gave me a strange look and said "no, I DO look my partner in the eyes!" To her it was a strange perversion to expect the girl to close her eyes. (we were just talking about her and sex and also sex in general) That was the first time I realized there was something "off the hook".
The second time I had a sexual experience with a girl was after a pary: we were both drunk and we were lying next to eachother. I asked her if I could kiss her (not being exactly clear in what type of kiss - I was pretending to ask for a night/good night kind of kiss, sleepwell, etc. But when kissing it was me who suddenly forced my tongue against her lips. This was a girl I didn't find particularly attractive and I had the opinion she was not too bright either. She just happend to lie next to me, so I forced myself unto her. She actually waited a little while before "answering my kiss", probably kind of hoping I would just stop. She then "gave in", and we continued kissing. After a while I then again shoved my hand down her pants and masturbated her. And see: in this situation we were both lying next to eachother, me completely on my back and she the same way next to me. Again I didn't see her eyse, or even her face, when masturbating her.
On a second occasion - one or several years later - there was an other party and she was there too and I took advantage of her again. She was soo drunk she could barely walk straight. I just couldn't controll myself again - as I was very drunk as well, and I wrapped an arm around her, which became me grabbing her breast. This night it was even worse: here it was quite clear she didn't want this anymore, but I forced my tongue on her mouth anyway. There was even the possibility of people watching us, but I just didn't care.
So either the girl I had sexual experience with could not (was not allowed to) see me or either she had to be drunk. In being drunk she was not fully aware of what i was doing, so this comes down to the same as not seeing.
I could write more of this examples - I had no other sexual experiences though, besides masturbating allmost every day. And often even more then once a day. So, in all of this I see there is nothing but abuse. It's like in my mind sex and abuse were one and the same. When masturbating too often I would start to feel a deadness inside me, right after orgasm. This same deadness I'd feel when kissing a girl for too long, or when I was in realtionship with N.A. This feeling was teling me: please, stop. But as it goes with addictions, I couldn't find a way to stop.
With self-forgiveness I have been able to not masturbate in several moths now - thank God. (thank ME !) The thing is everyone who masturbates a lot knows that it is actually not great at all and that it kills the being inside, but no one finds a way to stop.
addition: (not addiction!) The thing with the eyes is simply fear of being CONFRONTED with what I am actually really doing. This is fear of facing myself. cool.