Tuesday, April 1, 2008

sf on conflict about maite commenting me

Ok, I get really worked up - angry/full of rage - when Maite point out something for me that concerns this process or when she supposedly wanna make me see something or show me my self-dishonesty. I completely freak out inside, like just now - she was reading some on my blog and immediately tell me, as I am busy doing something nearby, I put a line of sf in a strange way. When she wanted to point out, I felt so worked up, I gave her an excuse - I am busy - so as to not have to hear whatever it is she wanna say. Afterwards at dinner - this is immediately afterwards - I feel loads of resentment comming up towards her. So what's the deal whit this? It is not that I am so affraid of someone pointing stuff out for me - it is specificly with maite: I become hatefull towards her, full of irritation.

In general I tend to judge her - allmost all - posts on forum as attempts at wanting to play clever. Obviously this means I do this myself... if that is the way I react to her. So:

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to play clever on the forums.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to allways assume and expect I am right.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek attention through making clever statements.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to show-off how "self-honest and advanced in process I am."

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to show-off how "self-honest and advanced in process I am", so that others may admire me and look up at me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to stand "above" my sisters - above maite - and above everyone on the forums.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to stand above people so as to not be vulnerable.

Ok, this mpoint being somewhat cleared, lets get back at what i started with. The thing is when she started making her comment, I thought it was an "injustice" of her to do this because I expose myself, put myself vulnerable into the open and I felt I was being critisized and judged - even if this was not actually the case, that's not the point. I felt she was "taking advantage of me" - taking me right where it hurts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear equality as complete vulnerability and absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear equality as complete vulnerability - not realizing I remain.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear standing as equality as absolute vulnerability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vulnerability as "being hurt in my feelings".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I am "no good at sf" and maite is "better at it than me".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my sf as "very personal" and therefore nobody may make any comment about it - people may actually only congratulate and praise me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need to be prased and congratulated, because otherwise I feel uncertain about myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need praise and congratulation so as to not feel completely lost.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I will be "lost" if i let go of my mind completely - instead of realizing I REMAIN - I CANNOT LOSE ME

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