Friday, April 11, 2008

what about my sexuality?

I asked the following question to the dimensions. I share this, because this may help other people as well:

"ok, I just read some post from C., about Denial, and then also about wich male-female sections she develloped and wich stayed dormant. I have been wondering myself how this functions with me, especially relating to my sexuality - which is now more than ever, confusing me completely. In terms of male-female, I just feel somewhat lost in this. Also why did I never "fall in love" with anyone? There is one time I felt something that might come close to it - it was with a guy, just a few seconds, but it didn't convince me - well, actually I completely supressed it immediately in case It WOULD be me falling in love with this guy - and then the feeling was gone again. I also read the recently written document about masturbation - the one dimensions wrote, and this being a problem I created for me aswwell - masturbation, allthough is getting better, and so far I just put the pieces together the best i could.

Ok, how i see things now is like this: I believe that in adolescense I was gay, but then this got a weird twist. This got to do with masturbation. The first times I used "imagination" in masturbating, - still in primary school -was me imagining myself how my body was being turned into an adult woman body with breasts and everything - in going through a machine, like in a sophisticated factory. Then I had phantasies about being in a situation of prisoner: being tied to gigantic machine that was X-shaped and then in front of me, facing me a woman tied to similar machine. We were both completely naked and would not even be able to move the slightest bit. This was like two crucifictions, but then on X instead of +. These two X-es would then move slowly towards eachother, until our body fronts would be pressed against one another. It did nu crush me though, it was just the machine forcing our bodies to touch eachother - what would excite me most was the moment right before the touching of the bodies - me being the male. It was not even about sex - intercourse, just about being pressed againts a body. Also the enviroment where this scene would take place was always the same: an enourmous tube, like in science fiction movies, like star wars, like a vertical tunnel, but very wide, wider than several houses. It was all metallic. like the star of death in star wars.

to make this story somewhat shorter, for the moment, the bottom line is I began to masturbate with pictures extensively afterwards - I don't remember when this started, maybe already before I was 12. This could be false though, and maybe it started years later. anyways, in masturbating I would allways experience sex with girls/woman - never with boys/men. After discovering I could be gay - because I suddenly experienced real physical attraction, this never happened before - I didn't stop this pattern: I continued masturbating with pictures of girls/woman. Every once and a while I would try - only after years though - to imagine sex with boys/guys, but it didn't go as smooth as in with girls, and I also felt weird about doing this. I kind of felt trapped in this, it had become a creature on its own. In general I couldn't feel physically attracted to men anymore as wel - I think this got to do with the masturbation-pattern. So, did I suppress the male-attraction system through masturbation? Any other feedback on this would be cool, thx."

This is the answer I received:

Gabriel, your experience with the guy wasn’t sexually related with regards to sexual attraction of a desire to form a relationship – what you experienced was you ‘opening up’ you towards this guy, experiencing you in that moment. It wasn’t towards him and had nothing to do with him – you were merely experiencing ‘vulnerability’. Though, not many human beings actually understand what it is that they experience towards beings, within themselves – and because you didn’t understand what you were experience within you in the presence of a guy – you feared this experience within you, and the only way the mind could interpret the experience is relating it to ‘sexual attraction’. So, no – you haven’t suppressed any ‘sexual relationship desires’ as attraction towards men within and as you – you’ve only suppressed yourself, your self expression, your vulnerability of you as you – it’s got nothing to do with ‘sexual attraction’ towards males/females from a ‘desired relationship’ perspective, no – but ‘who you are’ in self expression as you – you being ‘open’ / ‘vulnerable’ within this experiencing YOU – again, it’s got nothing to do with other human beings, nothing to do with sexuality – just you experiencing you. The fantasies – interesting how you wrote is: (quoting you) ‘phantasies’ = yes, fantasies are the phantoms of the mind – lol. What you’ve done within masturbation is suppressed yourself, ‘connected’ and ‘tied’ your self expression of and as self – to sex and sexuality. See, the sex system, at a young age already – intertwines itself with the beings individual self expression – the openness and vulnerability of and as self, then beings ‘think’ that what they experience within themselves towards others is ‘sexual attraction’ or ‘desired relationship experience’ or ‘physical attraction’ – but, what they were actually experiencing was themselves, their individual self expression. But because at a very young age the sex system have already intertwined itself with the being’s individual self expression – self experience is directly connected to sex and sexuality = which fuck the being completely. So, what you’ve done within masturbation is suppress you completely, intertwining your individual self expression more and more extensively within the sex system, until there’re no more of you ‘left’ because you’ve completely consumed you with the sex system. Therefore you’ll not experience anything towards males or females – because the sex system has taken that place within you, you’ve developed a relationship with the sex system within you through masturbation – which is sufficient in ‘fulfilling you’ – you don’t need/require a relationship – the sex system is doing that for you. So, beings that have masturbated for a while – or often, suppress themselves, their self expression – intertwine themselves with and as the sex system – then don’t need/require a relationship in particular – masturbating is much more ‘preferred’. And understand this clearly: Self expression is not related to relationship, is not related to sex, is not related to desire, want or need for relationship or sex, is not related to attraction and is not related to physical attraction – all that I have mentioned here with regards to relationship, attraction, sex etc. – exist because the sex system intertwined with your individual self expression. Therefore, experiencing attraction, desire for sex, relationship, masturbation = all originate from the sex-system – and is not YOU. Therefore, it is to within this process, release you from the sex system – for you to ‘re-discover’ your individual self expression not related to relationship, sex or attraction at all. So, self expression within this world has become that of sex – the sex system. So, Gabriel – not experiencing attraction is cool – attraction is mind. Though, you have to disconnect you from the sex-system through which you have defined your self expression because of masturbation which suppressed you completely. The more you masturbate = the more you suppress you. The pictures you masturbate with – desires suppressed by your parents transferred into you, transferred from your unconscious mind into your conscious mind of human beings’ within this worlds’ suppressed desires – which you have defined you according to – so, these suppressed desires has become you. Have a look at the pictures you masturbate with, with which you feed the sex-system within and as you – what they represent, what ‘feeling’ do you experience off of them that initiates desire. For example – what you explained above: The desire to be dominated – to be ‘articulately controlled’ – then apply self forgiveness to release such desires within and as you – because it’s but the irrationality of the sex system-design within and as you. First focus on you – releasing you from the sex system, not to divert your attention to relationship at this stage.

- I feel kinda overloaded to continue with this atm. I'm working with other stuff - that need sorting out urgently. So, I'll just say although the answer given by the Dimensions left me speachless initially, it makes complete and total sense. In the reading of this post - I actually remembered my self-experience in the precence of the guy I spoke of. And also I realize it had nothing to do with the guy - it was not butterflies in my stomach. This - butterflies - I have never experienced in my life. Hmmm... yes, this has given me A LOT to reconsider. At first I was: shit, now I have told everyone I am gay, while I am actually not ! The "what will people think". The end result is the same however - it all don't make no difference: self-forgiveness to get rid of this shit, that's all that count. With regards to masturbation, it is very fortunate it has now been pointed out "how bad it is" - because i was neglecting this very much so. This don't come as a complete surprise however - because where have I been all these years? That's right... with myself.

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