Saturday, May 31, 2008

1

still issues with: writing and sharing my realizations for a purpose outside of myself. the other day I was considering the option of writing on paper = for me alone = instead of on a blog or on forum, and this scared me, becasue i realized I was dependent on both forum and blog to share me. I allways take into consideration things like: is this wortrh shareing? oh yes this isd efinatey wotrth sharing = oh, if i share this, then i'll certainly have responses, etc. Im tired of this. I've had enough. alos, after writing apost = I'll carefully select myself an appropriate titel: compelling, representative for the content of my post, etc. also = when nearing the end of a post = when i'm done, i'll often try to end in a sort of style-full way (stijlvol).

why do I do this? Presentation, again... Perfection, completeness: I want every post to be 'complete' on its own. my mind is telling me allsorts of shit = what to say, what to write. also = most of my posts are often written from the starting point of writing a little story = and story's are complete: they must have a build-up and a good ending. fucking shit programming = REAl shit. what is wrong with just writing me = can i answer myself this question, please?

i am here = all is here as me as breath

simpel

mind = complicated = bullshit

inforgive msyelrf that i have allowed msyelf to definbe completeness as writing astory

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to have an intention "towards completeness" = bullshit = I am here as completeness as me = all here= all me = breath

i forgive msyelf to want to say something with some style

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf that i need tohave style in order to speak me= bullshit

I forghive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to take bullshit from myself

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyefl to want to write something 'interestin,g'

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to be interesting

I forgive msyelf that i ahve not allowed msyelf to see = here= that wnting tobe inteesrtoing is NOT here

I forgive msyelf that i have annot allowed msyelf to realize and be the simplicity of this moment = and not see thgat either I am here - or I am not

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to have expectations about myself at work = about wht i must 'accomplish there' = in terms of how i must evolve in orer to transcend my reactions and fears of being at work and all what goes around within me there

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe i should write an 'appropriate sf line to end this post with

what about:
lqzkdchfcbqekjvgzelcvb k;iyu

Perfection & Completeness

on the forum there existed a thread which was called "the art experience" - dont matter if u know about this forum or not/not relevent for what I wanna say - I had checked this thread in the beginning when i was on the forum, but even then I had felt great resistance for checking it out: the judgement was overwhelming: "whats art gotta do with ANYTHING ???!!!!" So - to me this was "not relevant", I'd rather have this thread didnt exist. Apparently there ware many people who were quite talented at drawing - this also made me feel weird.

see - I'd rather not even write about this, but if dont soon, then Im gonna loop. what comes up is Andrew and him being an artist - or rather being a talented drawer/painter. I had great admiration for the pictures of his paintings/drawings he posted, but immediately there was the ago-old judgement: "yep, thats MUCH better than me - I cannot do this, NOPE. I cannot reach that level, I'm simply not that good, I dont have it within me to be that good, to reach that level." Since when i was a child, i d compare myself to others: what I saw was, my drawings were simply better than all the others. I believed in the truth of this. this is how I differentiated msyelf from the rest. For example up to when I was twelve, i hadn't met a child or even an adult who could draw better than me, in my estimation.

But - I "failed". I soon - or late - came to meet people who would exceed my talent. This was intolerable for me, how was this possible? How is it possible that I am not at least as good as they are? I CAN draw, so what is amock here, do I lack something still? I felt limited. Beyond what you can imagine - infinitely limitted. Stuck within my own 'mediocrity'. "I am not good enough". I had to find a way - there HAD TO BE A WAY, that I can find to get myself at the same level of capability, so I'd work on improving msyelf, working on the detail, etc. But - for instance there was a guy in the drawing Academy where I want on saturdays - I knew he was beyond my level. No discussion, no options, no possibility - it was IMPOSSIBLE. When I had seen one of his paintings: the way his brush had formed a 'party of clouds' - the colors he had used, the outstandingness of his sight - perfection - I could never reach. It was not for me. I felt fear when standing in front of his painting. How did he do that?

Another time he had drawn a tree that consisted of human bodies - the human bodies were the thrunk and the leaves, only naked bodies, like in a flowing movement growning out of the ground and reaching in all directions of the sky. This was maybe ten years ago - several months ago I drew myself the same tree, but then with the human bodies, instead of growing out of the ground with their hands and heads upwards, actually travelling back - like the tree was a cluster of bodies being sucked into the ground, with their heads facing downwards. I still had the picture of his tree inside my mind - the comparison - of ten years ago, and I thought: yes, my drawing is definately more perfect than his. The day in the academy when he was drawing this tree, the two - and only - teachers (they were both artists) had been standing by his side as he completed the drawing. I was looking at how they stood together, the teachers being full of attention for his drawing and he being comfortable about this

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define beauty in separation of myself, as a beautifull drawing I made

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as the drawing I made of for instance a horse

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as less than perfection and beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as inferior to perfection and beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not want to recognize perfection as myself - to rather keep on expereincing myself in total inferiority

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hate msyelf because I think I am not perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to resent myself because I have compared msyelf to others and judged msyelf as not being good enough - not perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to compare myself with some one else and judge me to be less than this person, because "he is more perfect than me"

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define myself according to my drawingskill - the ability to produce a 'perfect drawing'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear perfection

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tow ant to 'reach perfection'

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define perfection as looking at a drawing i made

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define perfection as resemblance to reality

I forgive myself that I havea llwoed msyelf to define perfection as a 'balance of form' on ahseet of paper

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as drawing on a sheet of paper so that people will 'recognize' what I draw immediately, without question, as a perfect immitation of 'reality'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define perfection as a picture

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define beauty as a picture

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as 'a perfect match with reality'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define perfection as lines on a piece of paper

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to participate in the idea and belief that - because I am not the best - it actually dont matter anymore what becomes of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not care about msyelf, because I 'discovered I am not the best'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to a drawing i made

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to frustrated when seeing someone I judge to be a better drawer than me - meaning his drawings are more 'perfect'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to accomplish perfection through drawing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to want to accomplish perfection through writing

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to participate in the thought and belief that perfection is something outside of me and seperate from me therefore I must strive to accomplish it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be perfect

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I must be perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience msyelf as 'not complete' and 'unfullfilled' - and to only experience fullfillment when I can admire a perfect picture

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the belief and idea that i am incomplete, therefore I must strive to become fullfilled

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate msyelf from completeness

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to want to become fullfilled through believeing that I am fatally incomplete

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to define myself as fatally incomplete

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to think and believe that i am hopelessly incomplete

Friday, May 30, 2008

likes and dislikes

some issues related to... just now, before dinner mum asks me: will you help me with preparing the dinner? I feel resistance and conflict - I this simpel projection? what do I see in her? selfish: someone must help me with this because I fear that otherwise it might possibly be too much for me - in terms of how long it will take.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to do things quickly and wanting others to help me with this, so that it wouldnt take too long.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to 'not like' making dinner - and so that the expereince of dislike would not be endless - ask someone to help me so that i can finish quicker

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to have dislikes about things, for example cleaning the wall in the kitchen, and wanting help with this so that I wouldnt be bored and frustrated doing it for too long and we could finish quick - so as to put an end to my uncool self-experience

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to - when i have an uncool expereince - want it to go over quick, so that I dont have to face myself in the moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expect from others they will agree with helping me, because I dont like doing something

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become ennerved with myself when doing somthing

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to participate in the judgement of 'this is fun' or 'this is not fun'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to separate myself from fun and want to experience fun by doing something which then generates the experience of fun within me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to have dislikes about things

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not like myself for who I am

I forgive myself that I have never allowed msyelf to like myself - simply for being me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the belief and thought, that the way I expereince msyelf is dependent on what i am doing, where i am, and with who I am - how late it is, etc...

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to think and believe that i need certain things to keep me in a certain agreeable experience of myself

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to think I need nice colors around me so that I can have an agreeable expereince of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think I need nice people around me so that I can have an agreeable expereince of myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think it must be quiet so that I can have an agreeable experience of myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be disturbed by loud noises

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to make my selfexperience dependent on where I am: at home or at work or in the parc

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to change modes and access programs as soon as I enter the restaurant workfloor

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear the expereince of myself at work - instead of realizing: i am allways justy experiencing me, no matter where i am or what I am doing

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I need a swimmingpool in order to have an agreeable expreince of myself

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think I need to be able to ride bike - so as to have an agreeable experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to consider the possibility of anyone reading these words and start becoming 'reflexive' about which word I should wtrite next and also about if this self forgiveness is starting to get random

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to experience myself differently at work and at home

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to experience myself diferently when I am inside or outside

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to experience myself differently wheter I am standing or sitting

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to experience myself differently wheter I walk forwards or backwards

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to experienc emyself differently depending on the clothes I wear

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently depending on the shoes I wear: my brown shoes or my sandals or my All stars, etc

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince myself differently wheter it is night or day

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to experience myself differently wheter it is raining or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince myself differently when I am alone or when I am around people

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to experience myself differently when I am with my mother or with my father

I forgive msyelf that i ahvea llwoed msyefl to expereince msyelf differently when i am with eyes open or eyes closed

I forgive myself that I ahve allowe myself to expereince mysezlf differently when i am 'sleeping' or 'awake'

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to experience myself differentyly wheter I have long hair or short hair

I forgive msyelf that I ahvea llowe dmsyelf to expereince myself differently before and afyter i go to swimmingpool

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently wheter I am in the whirlpool or outside it

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to expereince myself differently wheter i am in a sauna or not

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently while I am in a room or when I climb the stairs

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently when I masturbate or not

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently when I look at porn or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently when I am sitting in a coutch and watching a movie - or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently when I see a person is on the street

I forgive msyelf that I havea allowed msyelf to have a different experteince of msyelf when maite enters the room

I forgive msyeklf that I ahve allwoed msyezlf to habe a different expereince of msyelf when leila is with me

I forgive msyelf that Ihave allowed msyeflt o have a different experince msyelf wheter i am on chat or not

I forgive msyelf that I ahvea llwoed msyelf to have a different experience of myself wheter dimensions enter chat or not

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to have a different experience of msyelf while I am eating or not eating

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to have a different experience of msyelf wheter i eat bread or warm dinner

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to experience msyelf differently when my father is around

I forgive msyelf that I ahvea llwoed msyelf to experience msyelf differently when C. is there at work or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeft to expereince msyelf differently when i see a girl

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyeflt o expereince msyelf differently when I see a child

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o expereince msyelf differently when I see a man

I forgive msyelf that I ahvea llowed to experince myself differently when I see myself in the mirror

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to expereicne myself differently when i see a very old person

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsyelf to have a different experince of msyelf wheter i see or am with an old man or an old woman or none of both

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to experience myself differently when a car come driving by

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyefl to expereince myself differently wheter there are birds singing in the trees or not

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently wheter I stand still or wheter i walk

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to experience myself differently wheter i have a body or not ;)

I forgive myself that I Have allowed myself to expereince myself differently wheter someone is talking to me or wheter the person is silent

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to experienc emyself differe,ntly wheter i am writing or not

I forgive myself that I havea llowed msyefl to expereince msyelf differently wheter i am smoking or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to expereinc emyself differentley wheter i am talking or not

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to experience msyelf differently wheter I am with someone in the room or alone

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to experienc emyself differently when i am walkin amongst a crowd of people

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to expereince msyelf differently wheter I am at home or in the city

I forgive msyelf that io have allwoe dmsyuel to experienc emyself differently wheter I have to work on a particular day or not

to be continued...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

power & fear

when waiting for bus, I was doing self forgiveness on fear of conflict with people. Then I realized why I had wanted to be friends with specific people - allmost all of my friends. The thing is, I fear a specific person might in a situation or another get angry at me, and that i will not know what to do - that i will just be helpless in this. Therefore I make them my friend, so that they stand on 'my side'. And I defined power as being friends with them. see, i only would become friends or be friendly to people I would feel threatened by, because my fear of other people is simply immense. The fear is actually fear of fear itself: that I will expereince fear when I am in an argument with a person or if he/she gets angry at me/with me.

This is exactly how my father functions aswell. Making himself be feared, so that he could experience some sense of power. From a certain point on in my life, to a lot of people I had become quite an intimidating person, especially in public school. When I doubled my fourth grade, the everyone in my new class was kind of affraid of me - or most of them certainly where. This was plain and obvious in the way their eyes moved when speaking to me, for instance. The next year I found myself with only girls in my class - and a year later someone had admitted to me she had been really scared of me, because of how I was. Even today at work, I saw a couple of guys having a laugh when waiting in my row to pay for their food, and I assumed they were having fun with me, because one of them stared at me while busrting out in laughter. I gave him a cold hard look - this allways 'works' - but at the same time, I was like: shit, this goes really deep. And I do it allways when walking the streets and a guy walks by for instance - allways look them straight in the eyes and so forth: so, every eye-crosspoint, to me, had become a duel. When my firts years at public school, when sitting in the station waiting for my train, I'd play this 'game': I'd pick myself someone who was stainging in the stationroom together with me and I would start staring them in the eyes, without stopping. This I would maintain, until the other person 'abandoned' and turned their head away uncomfortably. Some people would respond to this 'game' and try to put up with me - like one guy I remember, he had a red face - he didn't give up easily, and just when I was starting to get scared myself an on the verge of panick, he turned away - and I went, 'phew'.

So, power... and fear. All power in this world works through fear, if you think about it: the government, the police, the army, the law, the justice-system, a court, school...

The only people i would really not care being friendely to, were people I did not fear in any way whatsoever - this gave birth to an interesting incident recently at work: there were a guy and his wife in a wheelchair, and I allmost bumped into them - but I couldnt care less, not because i was self-aware in that moment, but because they didnt scare me - I percieved they could not do anything to me - that I stood entirely safe from them. So, a short while later I bumbed into them again, and again I didnt apolgize and gave them an indifferent look, but this time they showed me their teeth and they got angry with me, both of them and especially the woman in the weelchair - shortly after leaving the place in dismay. (good thing they didnt went to manager, or I'd lost my job right there). Now, as this woman got angry with me, attacking me verbally, I felt realy scared suddenly - nailed to the ground by fear, I felt entirely defenseless and didnt know of what to say or what to do, and I was relieved they just left right away.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear someone might get angry at me and attack me phisaically or verbally.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear that I will be in fear when someone gets angry at me and attacks me verbally or physically.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as the ability to instill fear into people

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as being feared by others

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want to be friends with someone, because I fear the possibility of them getting angry at me, and I then will be in fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be constantly on my guard, in fear, when I walk the streets - giving people cold looks, so as to have the upperhand in every encounter with another male that I experience as possibly able to attack me in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if and when I drop my 'defense' I will certainly be attacked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear being attacked on the street by a guy

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear I will be in total fear when I get attacked by another guy

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear my father may attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear that I will be in total fear when my father would attack me, therefore I create myself a situation, wherein he is slightly intimidated by me - to keep him under the tumb

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to want to instill fear into people, so that they would never dare to attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tow ant to be feared, so that it would be known that I am not to be messed with

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to appear a bit scary, - dark and cold - so that no one would dare to take me on and attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to exist in fear that I will be in fear if and when I get attacked

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to expect - through my fear - that if I possibly get attacked, I will be in total fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to when someone attacks me - immediately exist in fear of death, fear to lose me

I forgive myself that i have allowed mysefl to purposefully be harsh to people so that they would be affraid of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to present myself as harsh so that people would be scared of me

Saturday, May 24, 2008

from alarmclock to giving up on myself

I just made this post on the Private forum, just after watching the Isolation video - didn't expect things to take this turn:

Lats few nights I have dreams related to sleep? In general, no... te thing is, I have now a massive alermclock which rings really hard in the moring. Why do say this? with sleepinhg, I stll feel overwhelmed by it - therefore I have now opted for this solution: to fight sleep, with heavy noise clock, which works cool actually. The getting up is hell, but once out of bed I can manage to not fall asleep again.

What comes up in all of this, is that I am not directing me with sleep, I just "drop myself" into a pool of sleep, and then brutally let myself be dragged out of it with help of alarmclock. Interestingly, the reason why I get out of bed is out of fear I will wake up everyone in the house with the alarmnoise, so I get up out of guilt (I thought this was ok, as long as I get up!).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get up out of bed out of fear the alarmbell will make people angry in the house.

I forgive myself that i have allowed me to not get up out of bed for me and realize it is me who must get up, for me alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I am a burden to others because of my loud alarmclock.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my dad will hear this loud noise and be irritated by this extensively.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to allways be on guard of myself - making sure I dont make to loud noises, because I fear I will irritate my dad.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to panick when Leila raises her voice - when making a joke or whatever - and dad is in the proximity, because I fear he will leash out on us for this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear jumping on my bed, because then my father comes up and yells at us (I dodnt remember if he hit us or not - probably he did, why do I still have so much trouble admitting this?)

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to want to forget forever how bad it was with dad in the house, with him 'punishing' us and hitting us.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to fokking wanna die, rather than to write about this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to give up on me and my sisters, because i am not strong enough to stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myselft to judge myself in believing I am not strong enoug to stand up

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to be disappointed with myself because I fear standing up for me and my sisters

I forgiove myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking directive action against my father when this is required

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear stating to my father who i am and what I will not accept any longer.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear I will frighten my father in standing up to him and stating who I am and what i will no longer accept from him.

Isolation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEdbL77hxJY

Risk everything or fall

two incidents at work that need some attention and corrective application. (probably more, but lets take it easy for a moment)

I am walking around in the restayrant, and it is an incredinle busy day. Also, it is quite hot temperature. And as soon as the restaurent gets crowded, there emerges a fever amongst the people inside it. Again, but even more than usual, there were a lot of parents with their children, because this restaurant is supposedly a child-friendly place to go to in the weekend. ok, I gonna cut the crap. Basically, I am standing, hearing seeing before my eyes, am man - he is a father, sitting with his family at the table - and suddenly he goed over to his youngest daughter lifts her up from her chair or something and then smacks her back in it very agressively. The girl is so small - the father is like a bull. She cries heavily and the people with whom he shares the table, his relatives, they keep quit, say nothing - but they are aware, because they are ashamed. I was very overwhelmed by this, I felt a strong Urge to do somthing but it was too confused and I cried because I didn't stand up for the girl.

I blamed the woman they didn't stand up for the girl, because I feared standing up to this man for this reason aswell - I was affraid of him. I perceived him as intimidating and powerfull, while I expereinced msyelf as fearfull and also the fokking idea that what happens between a family is nobody elses bussiness... I see this more and more: the family as a greed-matrix. Today I understood people dont want children really, rather: they want to 'become a parent', a mother or a father - a huge fokking difference! So, its not even about the children - who are conceived from within a goddamn sex-system, the fruit of greed and power.

The other day there were two children lost with our department of the warehouse - they were in heavy tears, looking for their parents. They held eachother closely and couldn't stop crying. This confused me again, as I was unaware of myself in that moment, I slipped into fear and worries - what must be done? How can this be fixed? etc. I hear childrens tears and crying every day - at work - this allways reminds me to keep focussed, to never stop. How many times will I let this happen again before my eyes?

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not live mysefl - to fear living myself as courage, the courage to stand as me as all as equall with no compromise, in every moment.

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think and believe and participate in the definition, that what happens inside a family, is never my bussiness.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowe msyelf to fear risking everything- to put all at risk, to stand up to abuse of children.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear risking to get physicly hurt, in standing up to a grown up abusing a child - even if this is a parent, this is completely IRRELEVANT.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed mysefl to think and believe that parents have a special right to the abuse of their children.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to support the imaginary reality of the family, where parents have the perceived right to abuse their children.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting go of everyhing in one moment to stand and do what is nessecary.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear the unpredictability of my expression, of my standing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold myself back through 'practical CONsiderations' - all fear-based bullshit: either I stand in self-honesty as me in every moment, either I hide in fear and use excuses and justifications as to why I allow this to exist.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear the power of me the power to direct, to interject, speak, and direct all as one.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to play safe, and choosing for the observers standpoint - I observe and judge, this is not acceptable.

I forgive myself to use excuses as, 'maybe I dont stand clear within me yet' or 'I am not ready for this yet', 'I am not up to this/this is not my call'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for a point in the future where I will be ready to stand without compromise - so that I can be self-dishonest in the meanwhile, in the moment.

I am readyness, as me as all as equal as one as me. I am HERE - therefore I am ready ALLWAYS.

I forgive myszelf that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself- no more bullshit, thank you please!

Who bullshits who? I bullshit me! YES - this is what we do !

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear interjecting in a family situation, because I have no authority over the child nor over the parents.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to actually think and believe that in order for my interjection to be justified and valid, I must be a government instance!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to despise my mother and judge her as being pathetic, because she never stands up for us to father - while this is actually my own judgement unto myself: to be pathetic because I am in fear of my father and I piss my pants when he screams at me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the risk of getting phisicly hurt, in standing up for me to my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelft of fear getting physically hurt in speaking up to my father in speaking up for me. I must understand and see: I cannot lose me, I remain.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to be intimidated by phisical pain

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to fear and let myself be controlled by this fear of getting phisically hurt- as if i REALLY have something to lose.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyeflt o fear being smacked in the face.

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear being stamped at and smacked in the face.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hit on my head.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my fear of getting hurt.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to not put everything at risk because i see this must stop, and if I allow this to continue, then i support abuse, blooshed, and torture.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to wantr to stand 'neutral' to world events- this is "none of my bussiness."

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to hide cowardly into neutrality and 'this is not my bussiness'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that it is normal that a child should endure the abuse of their parents, because I went through this aswell - so it cannot be that bad.

I want to forget

ok, I wa just downstairs and my mother asks me to give her the days I work: to write them down in a book for her, as I receive my scheduals every three weeks and allways variable. I was reading my hours out loud to her, and while doing this I went... "bheeeeeuuuuuu, shit damn, this is loooong hours work - i am already Tiiiiiiiiiired". Especially I got discouraged that I will only have sunday free and then monday work 9 hours again - not sure if I should take off my hat for Darryl, maybe he's just insane or somthing. Anyway I start sensing heavy resistance for everything which is involved with my job - to go there and do the hours, to pull myself through it. BUT - good stuff for self-forgiveness I can assure you ! Especially I felt discouraged when reeding the schedule for my next three weeks to my mom, so that it was all laid out before me: I felt copletely nailed. I am eating an apple and at same time keeping an eye on the tim, i hve to get off again soon! TIME... I.... HATE it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that time is real, because a piece of paper says i have to work for next three weeks on this and this day.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to need some form of relief in the future, something i can hope for, something that will enable me to escape.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look forward to the day I will not be forced to either go to school or go to work - but just be free.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define freedom as not having to go to school or to work anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mentally compensate my work effort through convincing myself there will exist relief in the future - it must!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for relief in the future, and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bet on this, to place all my faith in this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope that how I experience myself and the nature of this reality will one day end by itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope and expect that how I experience myself and the nature of this reality will sooner or later inevitable end - then I will be able to rest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope for this reality and how I experience myself within it will end all by itself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect and want to convince myself that this reality and how I experience myself within it will surely - "it MUST be sooo!!!!" - end at on
point in the future, all by itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for liberation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be liberated from this reality and how I experience myself within it

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be set free from this reality and how I expreince myself within it

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to silently mutter to myself: "fuck this world and everyone in it! They may all go to hell! I will escape all on my own, I will be GOOOOOOOOOONNNEEEEEEEEEE !"

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to want to run away from this reality and how I experience myself within it - I already did this once: no solution.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think: fuck it, now I am done!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think: "to hell with this reality, I rather run away than do something about it! so long everyone!"

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that this reality - the very nature of it - is me entirely and infinitely, therefore there is nowhere to run - nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not want to understand that there is nowhere to run, or nowhere where i can forget.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to rather 'forget about work' than to deal with the expereince of myself there.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to drink so that i can forget.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to eat chocolate so that i can for a moment, forget.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to simply forget about this reality and how I expereince myself within it - now this is not very possible, is it?

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want to forget through going to sleep - sleep being my "blissfull forgetfullness".

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to be blisfully forgetfull - like with the novel i read, where this old man had allzheimer and i wanted it too.

I forgive myself that IO have allowed myself to want to have allzheimer so that I can forget about this reality and my expereinc emyself within it.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to wanrt to die, so that i acn forget forever.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget forever - not remembering ever again.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget about the misery that i expereinced.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to deliberatly want to forget about the fear i expereinced at home.

I forgive myself that i have allwoe dmyself to want to forget about when I was little.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget my entire life

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget all that oi have done.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forever forget all that I have done.

I forgeive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forever forget all that I have said.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever all that I have thought.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever all that I have written.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forever forget about all that I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever about Desteni

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to forget forever about all that I have seen.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want to forget about all that I have participate in.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forever forget all that i have become.

I forgive myself thgat I have allwoed myself to want to forever forget about this world.µ

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget forever about the pain I expereinced.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want top forever forget about all that i have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to forever want to forget about all the suffering that I have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to forget forever about the cowardness that I have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forget about everything and be able to start "over again" - and believing next time it will be better....

Friday, May 23, 2008

I hide and smile

Yesterday at work - I was working at the kassa (with money) - and as I proceed with every new customer that arrives and says goodday or hello to me I start to feel more and more sad inside. What I found horrible was, at a certain point a woman asked me something, trying to be sympathetic: oh, you are not so cheerfull!!!! And I forced a smile on my face and said all was fine - so now she could smile too and 'be happy with herself'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must at all costs give the impression that all is fine - especially when I am at work.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must at all times giv ethe impression that all is fine, when I go downstairs and communicate with my parents - because otherwise they will give me bullshit looks and make it obvious to me they have no clue about who I am, about how I experience myself, rather.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to think it is nessecary that i hide the way I experience myself from others, as best as I can.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide the experience I have of myself from others, so that no one would ask me the real question: how are you, actually? - and then I would break down.

This happened once. A friend called me unexpectedly - Jelle - I was just on my way home, i felt completely depressed and heavy in my entire body. He calls me, and asks - how are you, and I broke down on the streets, I cried like an animal - very loud and heavily, I didn't care there were people who could see me anymore. I couldn't stop crying.

Another time, I went to doctor and this was the doctor i went to when a child, but since then not anymore. He too asked me, supposedly because he had not treated me in so many years: how are you? and I had felt tears comming up, then too, but I supressed this and said I was doing fine.

This also reminds me of when I was on hollidat with family, we were eating in a restaurant and I feel heavy and depressed in my entire body - I place my elbows on the table and hold my forehead in my hands. My father then comments - a bit irritated: I can understand you have your "little problems", but you must pull yourself together and sit straight at the table. Out of fear that he might become furious, i force myself and sit straight like he asks me to,

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide the way I expereince myself because I belive and think that if I show this, I will spoil other peoples attempts at enjoying themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to supress and hide how I expereince myself so that others would be able to go on and apparently enjoy themselves - which then actually makes me even more sad and desperate inside.

At work I was experiencing alienation, when working at the kassa, what i mentionned previously. This is when I feel alienated: when I hide my self-experience, because I don't want to be any trouble to someone, and then feel lost within myself as they continue apparently going about themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am not allowed to show to others how I really actually exprience myself, because "I have already done enough" - through running away home and spending 9 months in Kortenberg.

I forgive myself that because I spend 9 months in Kortenberg which cost my parents much money - I have no right anymore to show how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear that I will make people feel uncomfortable when showing myself to them - how i actually really experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and belive there is no point in showing how i actually really expreince myself, because this leads to nothing anyway.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe there is no point in showing how I actually really experience myself - because nobody understands me anyway.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear disturbing the normality and apparent order of my enviroment, through showing how I expereince myself really and actually.

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmyself to hide the way i exprience mysefl so as to not disturb the course of my enviroment.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to think that hypocrisy and deciet diserves the time of day, while I must hide how I actually experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to believe and think that it is nessecary to hide how I expereinc emyself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe "there is no time now for this"- and within this statement push myself aside.

I dunno... sf after work ?

Okayn back from work again - I just tried to fix myself a joghurt with strawberries but I could not handle it and just put everything away agian, before I start throwing things around.

Today instead of going home immediately after work, I made a detour to the park to lie in the grass for a while. This was cool to calm me down, to re-set myself - so as to not go home full of expectations about possibilities of relief and such.

So, the yohurt, basically i got pissed when I say I gonna make this yoghurt and leila says she wants some too, she's lying in sofa, watching TV. I then ask her to come and check on the measures I need - because I went: Leila makes this often, she will know how much I have to put in of what - but she said: I dunno myself, just see for yourself. hmmm... I already cried so I'm not angry anymore right now - kind of a silly situation. I just couldn't take it that Leila wouldn't bother to come over and help me with this for a second.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be so uncertain that io must allways ask everything about what i am up to do, instead of just checking things out along the way.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need every piece of information beforehand, before I dare to proceed in doing something which then 'requires this information'.

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to fear taking an initiative, completely on my own, and allways need guidance of some sort - as if I want to be enslaved.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear living me as initiative for me instead of waiting and relying on the initiative and guidance of others.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I need leila to guide me through making this yougurt.

I forgive msyefl that i have allowed msyelf to fear that if I have no guidance of some sorts I will blow things up definately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear I will blow it up, when I am without any form of guidance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that i am capable of absolutely nothing on my own, that i allways need some form of guidance to make sure I dont mess things up.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to think that if leila helps me then everything will go fine for sure, with making the yougurt.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to believe and think I am capable of nothing.

I forgive myself that I ahev allowed myself to define myself as someone who is incapable of absolutely anything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to act on the self-definition of myself as someone who is cabable of nothing on his own.

Its not all clear where this all comes from..

im done for now

or maybe not !

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to think and believe that i am not capable of doing anything right.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to define myself as: I am not capable of doing anything right.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to assume I cannot do anything right.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect i cannot do anything right.

I think of my father all the time, while writing this stuff... So MAYBE he's got something to do with it. (this allways 'disappoints me' that my father apparently plays such a big/important role in my life) ... to be CONtinued.

friendship = fear of future ?

I found out - when it comes to the perception of why I need friends, certain people in my world - there is alot of fear of the future involved. So, because my future is allways uncertain, I want to keep certain friends allways around me, I allways want to remain friends with certain people, keep in touch with them - out of practical considerations about the future. Out of fear.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to want to controll the outcome of my life through keeping my friends with me and around me and through keeping in touch with them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to let myself be controlled by uncartainty about the future.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to want to be able o rely on friends as a safeguard against the future.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think I need friends to enrich my life while in point of fact I need them because I live in fear of the future.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe I mut at all cost keep a certain amount of friends, because one day "I migt need them".

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to allways keep a certyain amount of friends, to be sure I will never be all alone and by myself in the furure, at the mercy of this world.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to live in fear of the future and from this starting- point wanting controll over it through keeping in touch with my friends.

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to fear i will die all alone, if i dont keep a certain amount of friends.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future, and from this fear wanting to strengthen my relationships and hide inside these friendships.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think friendships will protect me against death and starvation.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to fear death and starvation.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to live in fear of death by starvation - in fear of living on the streets.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to fear losing my friends, because then i have no safeguard against the future.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to want certain people to need me so that I can keep them as friends as a safeguard for the future.

I forgive myself that I have allowe myself to participate in fear of the future - all that exists is HERE, as I am here.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I judge me as being pathetic

yesterday moring, a massive amount of self forgiveness, - because of compounded issue which became clear after dancing vid. One judgement: "I am pathetic." In the sense of when people say, "God, you are pathetic!"(In dutch I spoke forgiveness with the word 'zielig') so - this took me some hours to kinda get a grasp of how deep this judgement went - very deep, still not done AT ALL.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I recorded myself while dancing with myself - all alone, which according to 'normal standards' is weird and pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judfge myself as being pathetic, because of the way my back is bent on the video.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I have a skinny appearance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my appearance which I have defined as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge being skinny as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge being fat as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I wear toothbraces (when 12 yeras old, but i allways sf in present tense).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I dont stand up to the boy down my street who calls me names and "girl" evertime he sees me, because I have long hair.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because when going to the cinema to a toilet, someone mistook me for a girl and said I was entering the wrong door - the men's room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because "no one ever calls me".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I don't have many friends.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to judge myself as being pathetic, because I have no "real friends"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I have a low grade.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because once in boyscouts a boy who was some yeras older challenged me to a fight and I said ok, - a sort of duel, just "to play" - and then he hit me quite hard and I cried.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because I got fired at my last job!

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to judge myself as being pathetic, because of all the stuff i wrote on this blog, for everyone to read.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to judge myself as being pathetic, when I sing "a wrong note" when singing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, when people saw me being drunk and falling down in a pit and puking.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I think I have a small dick.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my penis is not symmetric in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because "i am still a virgin".

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because my parents caught me watching porn - they found the websites i visited and now my mother has seen all the pages I visited.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my father told me -when on a mountain walk, that I had to place my feet straight and not inward "like a girl" when sitting down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I started to walk with my feet pointing somewhat inward, and the teacher pointed this out to me, sayiong this is ridiculous and imitating my way of walking, of which i was not aware.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I dont dare to dance in public.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am scared of heights (the heights, this will become athread on its own)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I think I am the only one being scared of heights.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic because I fear having to physicly defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I wrote a bad story.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because when running I was last of my class.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because when playing Vampire, Way would allways catch me first.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because nobody understood our "schoolfeest performance" and Po Wing made us run one round to much on the stage.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my mother is ashamed of walking on stage first with me - which is a part of schoolfeest performance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because our class was the only one to 'really screw' up the schoolfeest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myselfd to judge myself as being pathetic, because someone saw me cry because I was scared of a barking dog.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because there had entered a Sprinkhaan (dutch word) in my bedroom and I was so scared I went to get my dad to chase the insect out of my room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I cut myself to a barbed whire and Antonio told me to pee on the wound, which I did, so that It wouldnt get infected and my nephew and his friend saw me doing this and where laughing with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the only one who's chain falls off all the time, so that i have to put it back on all the time and stop my bike, and the others dont bother to wait for me and they are too far gone for me to call them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the only one who doens't dare to take his pants of and jump in the water naked like the others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the youngest person in the room and I don't smoke, nor blow, nor drink alcohol, and nobody seems to particularly care about me or like me or even mind that I am there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because two old friends from primary school came by and invited me to come along to have a drink in cafe, and I immedtiately fear being seen with them, because of how silly and pathetic I judge them to be.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I didnt went to the funeral of my friend his father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I made fun of a friend of mine who had just died.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I find myself in a class room with people who are all much younger than me, because I didn't pass the previous year.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I allow my father to hit me, because he thinks I have homework to do while in point of fact I had no homework that particular evening.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because i didnt dare to cut my wrists the day I had planned to leave this world.

after work - dutch sf

stressed/messed up again after work. So - I reminded myself of three ponits related to incidents on workplace.

1) a guy (an old man) becommes ennerved because I am working somewhat distracted and slow and this makes him impatient. He bashed his credit card into the little machine to demonstrate his growing impatience. (or maybe I all imagined this myself, not importyant this question)
2) I am cleaning a table and 'relieveing someone of his tray', which is not usually my job and he says 'oh thanks' - i did it because I wanted to get smething done a bit fatser to fill something up, blablabla, - anyways: another guy I work with, but who I actually dislike deeply, tells me to next time 'ask the client if I may take the tray,' otherwise 'I am in trouble'. This fucked me up immensely, but as I write I see I had already defined myself as superior to him and now my ego felt trampled upon. superior, because he is part of dishwasher team and I judged him to be pathetic and stupid in this instance - 'because the dishwashers are a bunch of weird and isolated creeps.'
3) then there was a woman who leaves a little trolley with trays on it fokking next to one of the storagefokking-bullshit-i dont know whatever it is called in english. Naast de kar dus ! Then, she leaves it there and i see this, and I ask her - not with many words, but assuming she can understand what i'm strrying to say - and point her towards the kar, but she apparently is to stupid to get this and like a goat she walks a way, leaving me to do what is normally up to clients themselves, to put their treys on the Kar. Afterwards I thought maybe she doesnt' understand dutch, but then again - what bothered me is I felt completely ignored, it didnt matter what I said, she didn't even asked 'excuse me, what you say?' What I thpought too was she was probably svared to ask me what I had said, out of fear of doing something wrong - so, to be safe, pretend she didn't un derstand me. hmm, obvious projection here.

1) Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegelaten te denken dat de oude man arrogant was want hij stak demonstratief zijn kaart in machien.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn emotioneel te reageren op man die ongeduldig leek.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe tioeegaketn te verwijten dat klanten ongeduldig worden - en te denken dat als een klant ongeduldig wordt, dan is dat mijn fout.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij superieur te voelen aan oude mensen, omdat zij minder sterk zijn aan mij en geen geld meer kunnen verdienen, dus zogezegd nutteloos zijn id maatschappij.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn mij superieur te voelen aan iemand omdat die oud is/bejaard is - omdat ik jong ben en ook omdat ik aan de kassa zit.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te denken dat ik macht heb omdat ik a e kassa zit.

Ik vergeef mezzlf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn macht te definieren als mensen hun geld aannemen en teruggeven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn bang te zijn dat de klanten mij niet vertrouwen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn onzeker te zijn in mijn werk en pas vertrouwen op te kunnen brenegn wanneer de mensen bij wie ik afreken in mij vertrouwen stellen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet heb toegelaten mijzelf te leven als zelfvertrouwen als mijzelf in elk moment.

IK vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegalketn nodig te hebben dat anderen mij zouden vertrouwen, zodat ik een vorm van zelfvertrouwen zou kunnen ervaren.

2) IK vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn to oordelen dat ik meer ben dan de mensen die werken in de vaatwas. Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn te oordelen dat mensen die in de vaatwas werken zielig zijn en ook dat ze lelijk zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn werekn in de vaat te definieren als zielig.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn mijzlef te definieren als zielig toen ik in de vaat moest werekn bij pizza hut.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik zielig ben, toen ik in de vaat moest werken de eesrte dag.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn te denken en geloven dat ik meer ben dan en beter dan de mensen van de vaatwas, omdat ik dnek (denk -d nek - dikke nek !) dat ik slimmer, verstandiger en intelligenter ben.

3) this one i did out loud, quickly, as it had gotten obvious.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Innocense

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define innocense as me being alone with my mother and she's telling me a bedtimestory.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define innocense as me being alone with my grandmother, sitting on her lap, and she's telling me a tale.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define innocense as lying amongst my parents in their bed, close to my mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define innocense as being a child.

Initiative

Initiative. Lack of initiative means waiting for someone else to take initiative.

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed myself to define initiative seperate from me, as the initiative of others, for which I wait in order to know what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to wait for someone else to take initiative, isntead of realizing and living myself as initiative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect another to take initiative for me.

I live me as initiative, as the living application of me.

I accept and recognize initiative as myself, as all as equall as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to rely and become dependent on the initiative taken by others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to neglect who I am already - initiative as me, here.

I forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to fear to live myself as initiative.

Monday, May 19, 2008

dancing video

at least: vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLtiLKSci-8

ok, today I filmed myself while I was dancing. I'll post the vid later, when the computer can upload again - technical problems. So, I write about it, because there was huge amounts of fear. Thats also why I wanted to do it, to push myself in a way. the fear was all related to the camera standing there and recording me. I've learned to dance like this in the last months - to just dance with me, be with my body. so, I didn't figure I would be so stressed about doing it infront of cam.

I was not stressed all the time, it shows in vid, when i relax and just let go, but the fear was there also. Why? When going to university is the first time I would 'go out' and it is then I 'learned to dance' - this was whole new to me. The first time I was uncomfortable, because I allawys spontaniously move my shoulders and hips - I didn't know why this was so, but I enjoyed it and let myself have this piece of fun. I would build some confidence in this, but in separation, because it was dependent on people enjoying my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to wan tpeople to enjoy my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to depend on people enjoying my way of dancing so that I could experience some form of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to not trust me in dancing me unconditionally for me as all as equall as one as me.

Then there is also the image and presentation thing. This moring before I went "hoho, maybe I should try to record myself on cam," I did self forgiveness on separation points related to dancing. This was elegance and grace.

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as the way I dance, instead of realizing I AM gracefullness as myself , as who I am as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give a presentation of self-confidence of myself while dancing, instead of realizing me as self-confidence as me. I accept self-confidence as myself, I am self-confidence.

I forgive myself that i ahve alllowed myself to let myself be influenced by the idea that maybe someobe can see me whil I dance, and then try to mold my presentation according to a supposed expectation.

I forgive myself that i ahve not alllowed myself to dance for me alone, for me as all as equall as one.

ok, one day later: the computer is fixed now so I should be able to upload vid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become all exited because now everyone can see me dancing on a video.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to define myself as a videorecording of me - a video-image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to the shape of my body.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to define myself by the way I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope and expect people to like my video and give me compliments and such.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire impressing people through my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to use dancing as a means to boost my ego.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear showing a video recording of me dancing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hope and imagine people think I am beautifull when I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to imagine people see me as beautifull when I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to compare my video to the video's of others and judge my vid to be "better".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to surpass the "effort" of another.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself that I have allwoed myself to want to be the best dancer on the dancefloor.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to compare myself to all the other people on the dancefloor and judge that they suck bigtime and that i am actually super-great.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to compare my dacing to that of others, for example matti and Andrea and Maite.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking self-frogiveness all to the end, to the core untill I am all clear - until I breath self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear judgement from friends, who do not nessecerily know about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear judgement from people who do not nessecarily know about process and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed myself to only apply myself in terms of self-forgiveness, but not as the living application of self-honesty: the living word.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to believe the living word is just a matter of being spoken, and within this, miss the point completely.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself becaiuse I make such a big deal out of a dancing video.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Boredom

Audrey Hepburn on Boredom http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q42Hyo2Drfk

I do the self forgiveness in dutch, the formula is something like follows:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become bored and because of this wanting to distract myself through doing... something something.

I'll just - for now - make a list of the things I do or did to relieve myself from boredom:

smoke cigarettes
drink alcohol
get drunk
smoke weed
get stoned
masturbate
get myself sexually aroused and then have orgasm
eat
eat chocolate
eat chips
eat ice-cream
give phone-calls to friends
send somebody a message
check my emails
go to sleep
lie down on my bed
sleeping longer than nessecary, even after having slept enough, just continue sleeping cuz I feel bored with myself and my life already.
writing a poem on the computer
reading novels
reading short stories
watching movies
watching television
check on the desteni-website
surf the net for some new exciting information concerning "world events"
roll myself a cigarette, even if I'm not yet sure if I will smoke it
going to work (yes, I would sometimes be relieved I would be able to go to work, because i was so dead-bored)
running around at work, looking for a table to clean
watching desteni video's
put up a cd
listening to music
kook myself some food
put a chewing gum in my mouth
look at myself in the mirror once again
play a game
play cards
fold myself some bird out of paper
fold myself a complete zoo with sheets of paper
crack my fingers
crack my neck
take a shower
take a bath
go outside for a walk
play computer games (starcraft, age of empires, Outcast, Dragon riders, Unreal Tournament II, Maffia, Speed Busters, Crock, Hellbender, Monster Trucks, Star Wars, Quake II, Virtua Fighter, Sonic, Conflict Freespace... and Guild Wars)
eat candy
look around if there is something to do
try to make some music with a computer program
buy myself Magic cards
play Magic Cards
go through all my magic cards once again and look at the pictures
surf porn on the internet
go look for porn in magazines, while I wait for train in the station
buy myself food in a store because I have to wait for the train
enter a store without even needing anything
play on leila's guitar
make box beat sounds with my mouth
go out, to dance on music
go to the Cinema
eat myself some dessert after dinner
drink water, even when I am not thursty
drink orange juice, even when I am not thursty
with the mouse of computer click some on the screen, or make some squares on the screen
with a pen or pencil draw some lines on a piece of paper, not even looking at what I'm drawing
talk to the Canarie bird
go annoy maite or leila
imagine msyelf telling a joke to someone and then laughing with my joke
making funny faces in the mirror and imagining somebody thinks this is very funny
speak in strange accents alone to myself, imagining I am performing a joke to somebody
sing a song while walking around
look at the sky
...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

examining a dream

A dream I had two nights ago: me and maite and leila are on a trip to a farm in a foreign country - it seems to be Sweden, or another country maybe. We go there with train. the farm is actually part of a project that is done by an organization that want to explore alternative ways of living and energy sources, they need people for this. (I wonder if this is not just Desteni farm...) But anyway, at on epoint I am asked to answer some questions by a woman: she asks me something about clean or polluted water. She just asks, without introduction: "clean or polluted water?" First I go into Joke-mode, but then I get this question is important for them to determine if I am to be qualified for this project or not. So I start to give a very serious answer - dont remember what I said, but I know I was just pretending to care about issue of polluted water. Then there is a strange interjection. I walk out of the question-room, into a hall, and there I suddely freak out in anger - a short outbusrt, where I throw my arms against the wall. Then I go in a third room, where I stand alone for a while. Afterwards there is some sort of meeting together at a table. A friend of mine is there too and he is asked a question about hystory and politics nd I know this is his field, but he sais: no, I'm tired of talking about this. Then I am sitting next to the woman who was asking me the question previously, we are both sitting on the floor. She is quite large, quite a fat person. We are not talking to eachother, I sit in fornt of her with my back turned towards her. She then puts her legs around my neck - I interpret this as an attempt at seduction, but I stand up and her legs fall of my shouldres. There is something about this woman that bothers me, dont remember what... When all is done we hear we have succeeded the test and we have been approved for the project, but now apparently this means we have to come back later - we have to return where we came from and only much later will we be allowed to come here on the farm, next year or something, while me and sisters where in the expectation of being able to stay immediately... so I was confused. Lats i remember is we go home again/ but not certain, we go to the trainstation again, that I remember.

What comes up when reading this back an hour later: I fear travelling far away - to another country - alone. I fear getting lost, like a child in the woods. The train is what in my mind 'connects places' to eachother, which eneables me to not get lost, - because the station is my refference point - and because the train rides back and forth on the exact same track. This is fear of the unknown...

I guess I might be trying to evade this point, because in my mind I have made a secret plan regerding the future. I evade this massivly !

1..Firts I work, earn money - while staying home.
2. When enough money is saved, i can either move out, or in another scenario, I can travel to SA - this then becomming my 'security net'.

My life has consisted of secure bloks/islands on which I could stand (school, home, Kortenberg, university) which were linked to eachother through railways - im not kiddin u. allways the same. So, I would build my world in such a way as to never have to expereince something radically unexpected, so as to never leave the secure 'home-track-school' combination. Allways stay on the safe track. Once I was going to Berlin, on invitation of my friend - I immediately wanted to go there by train, even if this was the most expensive way to get there and it would be much easier with bus or plane (I eventually went with bus, alone, after a friend of mine had cancelled due to illness - I allmot peed my pence because of this, in figure of speaking. I was extensively scared. "Me alone???? On freaking buss??? To BERLIN ???? WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!" The way all this stuff came together and then suddenly, my travelmate cancelling out, phew - see, i had relied on this friend, because he had expreince with travelling and he knew Berlin, he had lived there a half year.) the other part of dream i'll take a look at later...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Interesting...

i forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want to be interesting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hope people find I am interesting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to present myself as being interesting, so that people would notice me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be percieved as being interesting, so that peopla would pay me some attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to receive attention from others, through presenting myself as being inteersting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that If I am uninteresting, everyone will ignore me.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear that i will be ignored when and if I would be found to be uninteresting.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want to be interesting, so that people would want to spend time with me.

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed myself to want to be interesting because I fear being left alone.

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed myself to fear being left alone - alone with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the expereince of me alone with me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed mysefl to fokking hate being alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to contantly needing to be surrounded by people who interact with me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want and need interaction with other people.

I forgive myself that i ahve allowed myself to be bored with me.

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed myself to separate myself from other people, wnating to see them as a source of interaction and distraction.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want and need someone to think i am special.

I forgive myself that i have alowed myself to want to be seen as special.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to be comfortable with me.

I forgive myself that I ahve anever allowed myself to realise that all that is is Here, is me.

I forgive myself thgat I have allwoed myself to expereince a 'lack' inside me, when I am not in the presence of someone else for a long time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want and need to be seen as being interesting, so that I would stand out from the rest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to stand out from the rest.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want to stand out from the rest, so that more people would notice me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be noticed by as many beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want to be seen by as many beings as possible.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to be heard by as many beigns as possible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be appreciated by as many beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want people to adore me.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to want and need people to adore me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to neglect myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmyself to exist for the sake of a presentation f myself, an idea i have of myself.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to lmive for the sake of an idea/image I have of myself.

I quit for a while, I have some strain in my shoulders...

Monday, May 12, 2008

GROUP - think

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear conflict and argument, because I fear I will feel uncertain and not know what to say.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear conflict and argument, because I fear I might possibly get yelled at.

I forgive myself that I have allowed me to want all the people 'I live with' to like me, so that there can never arise a conflict or an argument.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affraid of conflict and argument and of people raising thier voice at me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I will be affraid when someone raises their voice at me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to want to be part of the group.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be part of the 'cool group', so that I will be safe.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel less and inferior to all the people I have judged and labelled as being part of the cool groups - therefore I want them to notice and like me, so that I don't feel less than and inferior anymore, but instead feel accepted and appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I must have a 'valuable quality' so that people can appreciate me through this quality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must be good at something, so that people will appreciate me for this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe, that If I am not good at something, then I am actually worthless and doomed to be/feel inferior and less than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to 'feel like I belong to a group'.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed mysefl to want to feel as if I am 'part of something' - so that I can be under the impression that my life is meaningfull.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy being accepted by the cool gang, because now I can look down on others - "yeah, allright!"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe it is absolutely nessecary that I hide my self-expression, what I really am - me -, so that people can be pleased about the presentation I give of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want to please other people, so that I can feel accepted and expereince som form of gratefullness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt if I should not better hide myself, 'in case' someone might judge me.

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmyself to define safety as being part of a group 'in power.'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be part of a group in power.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to expereince some form of power through beng part of a group 'in power'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear real power - the power that is me, the power that is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to hide behind the power of a group - so that i don't get 'attacked'.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to want to hide behind the power of a group, so that i can sit back and relax, because now I am apparently 'safe'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysemlf to think that it is actually impossible for me to stand on and by myself - as all life as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'adopt' the ways and mannerism of a group in power so that I can feel protected through my acknowledged identity.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind the adopted behaviour and mannerism of a group in power, so that I can experience some form of safety and protectedness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as being part of a group in power.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to define power separate from Me, as being part of a group in power.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to adopt a way of clothing so as to resemble the group in power.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to be jalous of power.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to adopt a caetain way of walking and clothing so as to be identified as part of a group in power. (the cool gang)

cool unexpected forgiveness

I just read about Dulcinea her dillema of staying home or moving to another country. Immediately the pattern of my own life emerges in the back-ground. Where have I stayed all my life? Allways in the same house, allways the same place. I previously applied sf on my relation towards the house, but I feel there is much I didn't get right, still.

what does my world, in terms of living-space consist of, what has it allways consisted of? Basically there has existed Zaventem and then Brussels - theses two places -and that's it. In zaventem, with my parents, thats where I live. In Brussels I went to school. I get nervous over this, because it is so little... so nothing... What I mean is, I really have held on to this little world (zaventem-brussels) I first went to school to brussels (with my mother) then when she was pregnant I got placed in a zaventem school, starting my first grade there, being five/six years old. Yeah, In first grade I was foking five years old - because i am born in december, this means only after start of next schoolyear. I'm five years old and I am in a new school - thisw as the first time anyone started asking questions about my age. I remember someone yelling "OOO oooh, gabriel, he is only Five years old!!" (how come he is together with us in our class?)

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to compare myself to the other children of my class, and within this comparison, judge me as being less than and inferior to the others, because i am five and all the others are six years old.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am less than and inferior to someone else because of the difference in age.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to the other children of my class and within this comparison, judge me as being less then them, because I am younger than them, because I am 'only five years old'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to jufge myself as being less then another, because I am younger in age.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel less than and inferior to the other children of my class, because I am the new one and they more or less know eachother.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel isolated, because I am new and I don't know anybody in this school.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that I am different than the other children of my class, because I am new and I am only five years old.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to be accpeted by the other children of my class, so that i wouldn't feel less than and inferior to them anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want the other children to like me, so that they will accept me as a member of their class.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to look for acceptance outside of myself - not realizing that whatever I am able to experience, I am this myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to act extremely Wild, so that the other children would notice me and like me and accept me as a member of their group.

Wildness.

I remember I was wild - extremely so.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must shout very loudly and behave wildly, so that others will notice and like me and accept me as a member of their group.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being rejected by my entire class, fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being left alone by the other children of my class, that they will not pay me any attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to impress the other children so that they will like me and not see me as different anymore.

Friday, May 9, 2008

fear of screwing up

today was hard day to get through. i had long work day, I was tired of being at work - but at the same time I knew there is nothing "to look forward to". I cannot hide in future expectations, for example about getting home and how it might maybe possibly (probably?)be great fun there. Made that mistake once - hit me hard. Normally I would be able to disregard the watch that hangs on the wall, it would not be of great importance to me how late it is and how many hours I still have to stay at work before I can leave.

It is quite frustrating. I believe the money is in for it in some way. I have to take care of customers, make the bills for them and receive their payments. I'm constantly on guard of making a mistake in my accounts, because there are all kinds of procedures to follow with every transaction. I fear to fuck it up! I dont know if it is the money per say... However, I wouldn't like to get fired because of this. No, actually what I fear most is that i would make a mistake and that I then would have to go and explain myself, to a peron who will suspect i am a thief or something, and will then have no reason to believe a word I say. It is as if I expect myself to fuck it up - the possibility of getting fired, I make this so REAL to myself that I already prepare myself for aftershocks.

I'm getting tired myself of this pattern, but this inevitably reminds me of my father. He would have no trust in me in any way whatsoever and flatly expect me to screw things up. Have I made this judgement my own judgement on myself?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect from myself to screw things up.

I forgive myself to expect from myself that when someone would give me responsibility, I would inevitably screw things up.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear responsibility because I fear and expect myself to screw things up.

I forgive myself that i have allowed me to fear responsibility because when i screw up, people will focus their blame on me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe it is possible to screw anything up in this world.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear that i can screw up something another person has put much effort in.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think: I will probably screw up... it is only a matter of time.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Sexuality III - Self forgiveness, practical

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy and possibility of being able to use the body of a Woman/girl, in secret and unseen by the world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused and participate in sexual arousal, through the fantasy and possibility of looking at a woman/girls breasts, in secret and unseen by the world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused - to become a sex-mind - through the fantasy and possibility of grabbing the breasts of a girl, in secret and sheltered from the worlds eyes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy and possibility of fucking a girl from behind - in her ass - in secret and sheltered from the worlds eyes.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy and possibility of seeing a girls naked bumb and thighs, secretly and sheleterd from the worlds eyes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the possibility and fantasy of having sex with a woman/girl, in a situation sheltered by the worlds eyes, in secret.

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the possibility and fantasy of having a naked female body at my disposal for me to use, in secret and sheltered from the worlds eyes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the possibility and fantasy of being able to use a female body as my obediend slave, in secret and sheltered by the worlds eyes.

This is the general format of self-forgiveness I have come up with today. Then I apply this to every particular fantasy I have ever had... If I find more, I'll keep it posted in this topic.

9 may

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy and possibility of entering a woman anally and in this having an expereince of total controll over her entire body

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fanatsy of having an experience of total control over a female body, through entering her anally and holding her hips.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy of a woman who takes pleasure in letting her be controlled by me, through me entering her ass.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused bu the fantasy and possibility of, in secret and sheltered from the world's eyes, controll a girl/woman body through entering her anally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy and possibility of having total controll over a female/gril body - for me to use as I please.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy of in secret and sheltered from the worlds eyes, have total controll over a female/girl through touching/grabbing her breasts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take pleasure in masturbating and fantasizing I am in full controll of a female body, for me to use as I please, and entering her so as to have the experience of controlling her from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire having full controll over a young female body - which I have defined as standing behind her and penetrating her, entering her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy of having full controll over a female body, and in this having total acces to her entire body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become sexually aroused by the fantasy of being in full controll of a female body, so that I can have total access to her entire body

12 may

Power and vulnerability (macht en kwestbaarheid):

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as imagining myself in a situation wherein I dominate a girl/woman completely and make her submit to me, which is 'accomplished through (anal) penetration.'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vulnerability as imagining myself to be a woman/girl and then being dominated and be submitted to a male by him penetrating me, by him having power over me.

29 may

arousal and horny-ness (opwinding en geilheid)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define arousal as looking at a picture of a naked woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define arousal as looking at the ass of a girl walking the streets

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define being horny as looking at a video of naked people having sex and being horny apparently

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define horny as looking at a woman who is masturbating herself and getting sexually aroused and horny

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define horny-ness as listening to the noises of a woman having orgasm

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define arousal as thinking of the naked breasts of a woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define arousal as picturing myself the breasts of a woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself for being horny

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define being horny as 'dirty'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hide my hornyness, because I judge it to be 'dirty'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge being horny as 'bad'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge being horny as 'pathetic' (zielig)

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge being horny as 'pervert'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge being horny as 'sick'

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge being horny as 'deeply shamefull'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to separate myself from being horny within me - through thinking and believeing i need something outside of me to make me 'feel horny'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I need my penis in order to be able to experience myself as horny or sexually aroused - not true

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define being horny and aroused as masturbating myself, through my penis

I accept and realise myself as arousal as me - I need nothing 'seperate from me' to generate within me what I am already

I am me as arousal as myself

I accept and realise myself as horny-ness as me - I need nothing 'seperate from me' to generate within me what i am already

I am me as horny-ness as myself

30 may

Pleasure (genot)

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define pleasure, as looking at a film/pitcutre where a man grabs the breast of a woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define pleasure as looking at the breasts of a woman, who stands close to me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define pleasure as looking at the ass of a woman/girl walking

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define pleasure as masturbating while picturing myself in a situation where I have sex with a woman

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define pleasure as touching the naked breasts or ass of a girl/woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define pleasure as being kissed by a gril, when she uses her tongue