Thursday, May 8, 2008

5-7 may, investigating vulnerability

5 may:

So, in les than hour I need to be getting to work. Yesterday I read all Kim posts in her self assistance, and I realised , shit, I must do this aswell. I'm still not wanting people to see me, still fear of being trashed. Lately I got many hints, that I should look at male ego/personality - and I deliberately postpone. Because I fear, if I give up my "shiny armour" I will be unproteced. It is as if the armour is too valuable to give up - it has "served me soo well", to be able to just fukking live in this world, to survive...

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear giving up my shiny armour = the male ego I hide behind as protection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being unprotected, completely vulnerable and at the mercy of others, at the mercy of this world.

7 may:

Yesterday in doing self forgiveness I remembered about when i was a boy. there had been many occsions where I had feel embarassed/ashamed about my mother and my sisters. There kind of occured a split between my outside life and the little world at home. I started feeling embarassed/ashamed about my love and affection for my mother and sisters, because on some occasions people had made fun of me. For example one time we were in switserland and there were special activities provided for children/adolescents. Thisw as a vacation with my parents. One day I was with this group of youngsters and suddenly my mother knocked on the door. She was coming to check on em because normalyy the day activity had to have ended at a certain time, so basically my mother had been wondering where I was, since it was over time. Fok I remember - right before leaving, my mother looked at me and said: 'see you later honey' (she had seen me so now she knew all was in order - the activity was just taing a bit longer) and I felt terrible about my mother coming to check on me. After she closed the door the people I wanted to be cool with, started to make fun of me and because I could not hide my embarassement - they laughed even more.

This did not fit into my "plan to become strog as I grow up". I could not be strong and have a worried mother calling me her honey at the same time. Afterwards I asked my mother to never EVER interfere in 'my life' like this again. She protested, saying she was worried and it was normal - but i held foot as I was very angry and I knew that if this would happen again my ego would not survive it. I said No, leave me alone. She said: "well, ok then..." not really understanding why I felt so embarrased.

Another time, i was in boyscouts: the girl/woman responsible for our group - she knew my family a bit because she had babysitted for us a few times and i had been very fond of her. She started asking me about my relation with my sister (leila) - if me and her went along well. See, the setting was: I am at boyscouts and at boyscouts there was much pressure laid on boys to be/present themselves as tough/strong. Basically I answered to her that I actually don't really go along or do much with Leila - she was then sursprised because she had somehow talked to leila who had told her I played with leila very often, so she tells me what leila told her. In then lied, I said: "No, we dont play together. Actually I beat her up and she thinks this is playing." Ann, this was her name, looked at me - she didn't recognize me from whn she had babysitted at our home anymore. Even then I didn't feel cool about telling such a lie, I felt confict about it. I don't know either why I was affraid particularly to be open about my relation with my sister to Ann, because she knew us from some years ago. It all just didn't fit anymore in who I wanted to become: a strong/tough man.

lol - another episode of boyscouts: I was with friends all gathered, we were waiting to go on bus for a weekend or something. My mother and my sisters had come along to say bye. I kind of let them stand there I went off to talk with friends who stood in a little group and who seemed to be having fun. I then became very irritated because I felt my mother and sisters watching me constantly - while I was interacting with my friends of boyscouts, playing the Man. I became so frsutrated I went back to my mother in haste and asked her if she could not "go and stand a bit further away" - she then became angry, and said I was ashamed of her and my sisters and first thing after weekend I would receive a beating from dad, when I came home. and so forth... (addition:) She called me a Macho too. "Why do you behave like macho, all of a sudden?!"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vulnerability as the love and affection i have for my mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vulnerability as the love and affection i have for leila (when she was little! -- oops, ego saying hi again)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vuilnerability as the love and affection I have for maite.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define vulnerability as the love and affection I have for my father.

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