Monday, May 12, 2008

cool unexpected forgiveness

I just read about Dulcinea her dillema of staying home or moving to another country. Immediately the pattern of my own life emerges in the back-ground. Where have I stayed all my life? Allways in the same house, allways the same place. I previously applied sf on my relation towards the house, but I feel there is much I didn't get right, still.

what does my world, in terms of living-space consist of, what has it allways consisted of? Basically there has existed Zaventem and then Brussels - theses two places -and that's it. In zaventem, with my parents, thats where I live. In Brussels I went to school. I get nervous over this, because it is so little... so nothing... What I mean is, I really have held on to this little world (zaventem-brussels) I first went to school to brussels (with my mother) then when she was pregnant I got placed in a zaventem school, starting my first grade there, being five/six years old. Yeah, In first grade I was foking five years old - because i am born in december, this means only after start of next schoolyear. I'm five years old and I am in a new school - thisw as the first time anyone started asking questions about my age. I remember someone yelling "OOO oooh, gabriel, he is only Five years old!!" (how come he is together with us in our class?)

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to compare myself to the other children of my class, and within this comparison, judge me as being less than and inferior to the others, because i am five and all the others are six years old.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am less than and inferior to someone else because of the difference in age.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to the other children of my class and within this comparison, judge me as being less then them, because I am younger than them, because I am 'only five years old'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to jufge myself as being less then another, because I am younger in age.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel less than and inferior to the other children of my class, because I am the new one and they more or less know eachother.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel isolated, because I am new and I don't know anybody in this school.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that I am different than the other children of my class, because I am new and I am only five years old.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to be accpeted by the other children of my class, so that i wouldn't feel less than and inferior to them anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want the other children to like me, so that they will accept me as a member of their class.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to look for acceptance outside of myself - not realizing that whatever I am able to experience, I am this myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to act extremely Wild, so that the other children would notice me and like me and accept me as a member of their group.

Wildness.

I remember I was wild - extremely so.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must shout very loudly and behave wildly, so that others will notice and like me and accept me as a member of their group.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being rejected by my entire class, fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being left alone by the other children of my class, that they will not pay me any attention.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to impress the other children so that they will like me and not see me as different anymore.

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