Monday, May 19, 2008

dancing video

at least: vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLtiLKSci-8

ok, today I filmed myself while I was dancing. I'll post the vid later, when the computer can upload again - technical problems. So, I write about it, because there was huge amounts of fear. Thats also why I wanted to do it, to push myself in a way. the fear was all related to the camera standing there and recording me. I've learned to dance like this in the last months - to just dance with me, be with my body. so, I didn't figure I would be so stressed about doing it infront of cam.

I was not stressed all the time, it shows in vid, when i relax and just let go, but the fear was there also. Why? When going to university is the first time I would 'go out' and it is then I 'learned to dance' - this was whole new to me. The first time I was uncomfortable, because I allawys spontaniously move my shoulders and hips - I didn't know why this was so, but I enjoyed it and let myself have this piece of fun. I would build some confidence in this, but in separation, because it was dependent on people enjoying my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to wan tpeople to enjoy my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to depend on people enjoying my way of dancing so that I could experience some form of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to not trust me in dancing me unconditionally for me as all as equall as one as me.

Then there is also the image and presentation thing. This moring before I went "hoho, maybe I should try to record myself on cam," I did self forgiveness on separation points related to dancing. This was elegance and grace.

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as the way I dance, instead of realizing I AM gracefullness as myself , as who I am as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give a presentation of self-confidence of myself while dancing, instead of realizing me as self-confidence as me. I accept self-confidence as myself, I am self-confidence.

I forgive myself that i ahve alllowed myself to let myself be influenced by the idea that maybe someobe can see me whil I dance, and then try to mold my presentation according to a supposed expectation.

I forgive myself that i ahve not alllowed myself to dance for me alone, for me as all as equall as one.

ok, one day later: the computer is fixed now so I should be able to upload vid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become all exited because now everyone can see me dancing on a video.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to define myself as a videorecording of me - a video-image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to the shape of my body.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to define myself by the way I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope and expect people to like my video and give me compliments and such.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire impressing people through my way of dancing.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to use dancing as a means to boost my ego.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear showing a video recording of me dancing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hope and imagine people think I am beautifull when I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to imagine people see me as beautifull when I dance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to compare my video to the video's of others and judge my vid to be "better".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to surpass the "effort" of another.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself that I have allwoed myself to want to be the best dancer on the dancefloor.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to compare myself to all the other people on the dancefloor and judge that they suck bigtime and that i am actually super-great.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to compare my dacing to that of others, for example matti and Andrea and Maite.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking self-frogiveness all to the end, to the core untill I am all clear - until I breath self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear judgement from friends, who do not nessecerily know about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear judgement from people who do not nessecarily know about process and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed myself to only apply myself in terms of self-forgiveness, but not as the living application of self-honesty: the living word.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to believe the living word is just a matter of being spoken, and within this, miss the point completely.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself becaiuse I make such a big deal out of a dancing video.

No comments: