Thursday, May 15, 2008

examining a dream

A dream I had two nights ago: me and maite and leila are on a trip to a farm in a foreign country - it seems to be Sweden, or another country maybe. We go there with train. the farm is actually part of a project that is done by an organization that want to explore alternative ways of living and energy sources, they need people for this. (I wonder if this is not just Desteni farm...) But anyway, at on epoint I am asked to answer some questions by a woman: she asks me something about clean or polluted water. She just asks, without introduction: "clean or polluted water?" First I go into Joke-mode, but then I get this question is important for them to determine if I am to be qualified for this project or not. So I start to give a very serious answer - dont remember what I said, but I know I was just pretending to care about issue of polluted water. Then there is a strange interjection. I walk out of the question-room, into a hall, and there I suddely freak out in anger - a short outbusrt, where I throw my arms against the wall. Then I go in a third room, where I stand alone for a while. Afterwards there is some sort of meeting together at a table. A friend of mine is there too and he is asked a question about hystory and politics nd I know this is his field, but he sais: no, I'm tired of talking about this. Then I am sitting next to the woman who was asking me the question previously, we are both sitting on the floor. She is quite large, quite a fat person. We are not talking to eachother, I sit in fornt of her with my back turned towards her. She then puts her legs around my neck - I interpret this as an attempt at seduction, but I stand up and her legs fall of my shouldres. There is something about this woman that bothers me, dont remember what... When all is done we hear we have succeeded the test and we have been approved for the project, but now apparently this means we have to come back later - we have to return where we came from and only much later will we be allowed to come here on the farm, next year or something, while me and sisters where in the expectation of being able to stay immediately... so I was confused. Lats i remember is we go home again/ but not certain, we go to the trainstation again, that I remember.

What comes up when reading this back an hour later: I fear travelling far away - to another country - alone. I fear getting lost, like a child in the woods. The train is what in my mind 'connects places' to eachother, which eneables me to not get lost, - because the station is my refference point - and because the train rides back and forth on the exact same track. This is fear of the unknown...

I guess I might be trying to evade this point, because in my mind I have made a secret plan regerding the future. I evade this massivly !

1..Firts I work, earn money - while staying home.
2. When enough money is saved, i can either move out, or in another scenario, I can travel to SA - this then becomming my 'security net'.

My life has consisted of secure bloks/islands on which I could stand (school, home, Kortenberg, university) which were linked to eachother through railways - im not kiddin u. allways the same. So, I would build my world in such a way as to never have to expereince something radically unexpected, so as to never leave the secure 'home-track-school' combination. Allways stay on the safe track. Once I was going to Berlin, on invitation of my friend - I immediately wanted to go there by train, even if this was the most expensive way to get there and it would be much easier with bus or plane (I eventually went with bus, alone, after a friend of mine had cancelled due to illness - I allmot peed my pence because of this, in figure of speaking. I was extensively scared. "Me alone???? On freaking buss??? To BERLIN ???? WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!" The way all this stuff came together and then suddenly, my travelmate cancelling out, phew - see, i had relied on this friend, because he had expreince with travelling and he knew Berlin, he had lived there a half year.) the other part of dream i'll take a look at later...

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