Friday, May 9, 2008

fear of screwing up

today was hard day to get through. i had long work day, I was tired of being at work - but at the same time I knew there is nothing "to look forward to". I cannot hide in future expectations, for example about getting home and how it might maybe possibly (probably?)be great fun there. Made that mistake once - hit me hard. Normally I would be able to disregard the watch that hangs on the wall, it would not be of great importance to me how late it is and how many hours I still have to stay at work before I can leave.

It is quite frustrating. I believe the money is in for it in some way. I have to take care of customers, make the bills for them and receive their payments. I'm constantly on guard of making a mistake in my accounts, because there are all kinds of procedures to follow with every transaction. I fear to fuck it up! I dont know if it is the money per say... However, I wouldn't like to get fired because of this. No, actually what I fear most is that i would make a mistake and that I then would have to go and explain myself, to a peron who will suspect i am a thief or something, and will then have no reason to believe a word I say. It is as if I expect myself to fuck it up - the possibility of getting fired, I make this so REAL to myself that I already prepare myself for aftershocks.

I'm getting tired myself of this pattern, but this inevitably reminds me of my father. He would have no trust in me in any way whatsoever and flatly expect me to screw things up. Have I made this judgement my own judgement on myself?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect from myself to screw things up.

I forgive myself to expect from myself that when someone would give me responsibility, I would inevitably screw things up.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear responsibility because I fear and expect myself to screw things up.

I forgive myself that i have allowed me to fear responsibility because when i screw up, people will focus their blame on me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe it is possible to screw anything up in this world.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear that i can screw up something another person has put much effort in.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think: I will probably screw up... it is only a matter of time.

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