Thursday, May 8, 2008


There is a friend of mine, - J - but I haven't seen him in a long time now. When I was with him, I allways had the experience that I was taking part in something with a structure, a foundation. I'd see him as someone who knew his way around in the world - a very practical person, involved within the world. I also thought he had a lot of courage, that he didn't fear people. Also I saw him as not being affraid of taking responsibility - he actually seemed to enjoy responsibility! Also in doing things I would be amazed by his self-trust - I had immense trust in him. I was astounded he wanted to be my friend. Because, who am I? When being with him I'd allways pretend to have as much confidence as he had, but inside I felt there was a large ravin separating us - as if I would never be able to experience and do what he did/experience.

two words: foundation, structure.

Within myself I'd allways feel insecure around people. Many years ago I had a dream where two of my friends I had back then were sitting together talking. I was walking towards them (I accidentally just wrote "I was walking towards me" !!!) - feeling somewhat uncertain as I allways did in their presence in real life - and they felt bothered by me joining them and one of them said: "Get a life!" (in english!)

Immediately now I was reminded (rewinded) of when I was my first year at university. I was paying half the rent for a place near campus in brussels, where I stayed during the week. It had been discussed at home that leila would move in to my room - so that I, in the weekend, would sleep in the room with Maite. So, my mother asked me friendly if I would once take some time to clean my room for leila. I was not ok with this actually, but I could not find a valuable reason why Leila should not receive my room, and she was getting a bit older so it seemed "about time" she had a room of her own, as she was sharing a room with Maite for the moment. So, i kept postponing and "forgetting" to do this - silently expecting this would not need to happen. Then, one day I came home and it was done. Leila had "taken over" my room! (without asking my "permission"). I was a little bit surprised. It was awkward. I lost my private space at home. But anyways, now being without my own room completely to myself at home, it was as if I lost a foundation - a refference point. As if a structure/foundation had been removed from beneeth my feet.

My life was empty of structure and foundation. I would often feel inferior to people because they seemed to have "a life" = some structure and foundation for themselves and have freedom and stability within this.





some words to look at...

No comments: