Saturday, May 24, 2008

from alarmclock to giving up on myself

I just made this post on the Private forum, just after watching the Isolation video - didn't expect things to take this turn:

Lats few nights I have dreams related to sleep? In general, no... te thing is, I have now a massive alermclock which rings really hard in the moring. Why do say this? with sleepinhg, I stll feel overwhelmed by it - therefore I have now opted for this solution: to fight sleep, with heavy noise clock, which works cool actually. The getting up is hell, but once out of bed I can manage to not fall asleep again.

What comes up in all of this, is that I am not directing me with sleep, I just "drop myself" into a pool of sleep, and then brutally let myself be dragged out of it with help of alarmclock. Interestingly, the reason why I get out of bed is out of fear I will wake up everyone in the house with the alarmnoise, so I get up out of guilt (I thought this was ok, as long as I get up!).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get up out of bed out of fear the alarmbell will make people angry in the house.

I forgive myself that i have allowed me to not get up out of bed for me and realize it is me who must get up, for me alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear I am a burden to others because of my loud alarmclock.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my dad will hear this loud noise and be irritated by this extensively.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to allways be on guard of myself - making sure I dont make to loud noises, because I fear I will irritate my dad.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to panick when Leila raises her voice - when making a joke or whatever - and dad is in the proximity, because I fear he will leash out on us for this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear jumping on my bed, because then my father comes up and yells at us (I dodnt remember if he hit us or not - probably he did, why do I still have so much trouble admitting this?)

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to want to forget forever how bad it was with dad in the house, with him 'punishing' us and hitting us.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to fokking wanna die, rather than to write about this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to give up on me and my sisters, because i am not strong enough to stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myselft to judge myself in believing I am not strong enoug to stand up

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to be disappointed with myself because I fear standing up for me and my sisters

I forgiove myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking directive action against my father when this is required

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear stating to my father who i am and what I will not accept any longer.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear I will frighten my father in standing up to him and stating who I am and what i will no longer accept from him.

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