Friday, May 23, 2008

I dunno... sf after work ?

Okayn back from work again - I just tried to fix myself a joghurt with strawberries but I could not handle it and just put everything away agian, before I start throwing things around.

Today instead of going home immediately after work, I made a detour to the park to lie in the grass for a while. This was cool to calm me down, to re-set myself - so as to not go home full of expectations about possibilities of relief and such.

So, the yohurt, basically i got pissed when I say I gonna make this yoghurt and leila says she wants some too, she's lying in sofa, watching TV. I then ask her to come and check on the measures I need - because I went: Leila makes this often, she will know how much I have to put in of what - but she said: I dunno myself, just see for yourself. hmmm... I already cried so I'm not angry anymore right now - kind of a silly situation. I just couldn't take it that Leila wouldn't bother to come over and help me with this for a second.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be so uncertain that io must allways ask everything about what i am up to do, instead of just checking things out along the way.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need every piece of information beforehand, before I dare to proceed in doing something which then 'requires this information'.

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to fear taking an initiative, completely on my own, and allways need guidance of some sort - as if I want to be enslaved.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear living me as initiative for me instead of waiting and relying on the initiative and guidance of others.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I need leila to guide me through making this yougurt.

I forgive msyefl that i have allowed msyelf to fear that if I have no guidance of some sorts I will blow things up definately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear I will blow it up, when I am without any form of guidance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that i am capable of absolutely nothing on my own, that i allways need some form of guidance to make sure I dont mess things up.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to think that if leila helps me then everything will go fine for sure, with making the yougurt.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to believe and think I am capable of nothing.

I forgive myself that I ahev allowed myself to define myself as someone who is incapable of absolutely anything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to act on the self-definition of myself as someone who is cabable of nothing on his own.

Its not all clear where this all comes from..

im done for now

or maybe not !

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to think and believe that i am not capable of doing anything right.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to define myself as: I am not capable of doing anything right.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to assume I cannot do anything right.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect i cannot do anything right.

I think of my father all the time, while writing this stuff... So MAYBE he's got something to do with it. (this allways 'disappoints me' that my father apparently plays such a big/important role in my life) ... to be CONtinued.

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