Friday, May 23, 2008

I hide and smile

Yesterday at work - I was working at the kassa (with money) - and as I proceed with every new customer that arrives and says goodday or hello to me I start to feel more and more sad inside. What I found horrible was, at a certain point a woman asked me something, trying to be sympathetic: oh, you are not so cheerfull!!!! And I forced a smile on my face and said all was fine - so now she could smile too and 'be happy with herself'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must at all costs give the impression that all is fine - especially when I am at work.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must at all times giv ethe impression that all is fine, when I go downstairs and communicate with my parents - because otherwise they will give me bullshit looks and make it obvious to me they have no clue about who I am, about how I experience myself, rather.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to think it is nessecary that i hide the way I experience myself from others, as best as I can.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide the experience I have of myself from others, so that no one would ask me the real question: how are you, actually? - and then I would break down.

This happened once. A friend called me unexpectedly - Jelle - I was just on my way home, i felt completely depressed and heavy in my entire body. He calls me, and asks - how are you, and I broke down on the streets, I cried like an animal - very loud and heavily, I didn't care there were people who could see me anymore. I couldn't stop crying.

Another time, I went to doctor and this was the doctor i went to when a child, but since then not anymore. He too asked me, supposedly because he had not treated me in so many years: how are you? and I had felt tears comming up, then too, but I supressed this and said I was doing fine.

This also reminds me of when I was on hollidat with family, we were eating in a restaurant and I feel heavy and depressed in my entire body - I place my elbows on the table and hold my forehead in my hands. My father then comments - a bit irritated: I can understand you have your "little problems", but you must pull yourself together and sit straight at the table. Out of fear that he might become furious, i force myself and sit straight like he asks me to,

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide the way I expereince myself because I belive and think that if I show this, I will spoil other peoples attempts at enjoying themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to supress and hide how I expereince myself so that others would be able to go on and apparently enjoy themselves - which then actually makes me even more sad and desperate inside.

At work I was experiencing alienation, when working at the kassa, what i mentionned previously. This is when I feel alienated: when I hide my self-experience, because I don't want to be any trouble to someone, and then feel lost within myself as they continue apparently going about themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I am not allowed to show to others how I really actually exprience myself, because "I have already done enough" - through running away home and spending 9 months in Kortenberg.

I forgive myself that because I spend 9 months in Kortenberg which cost my parents much money - I have no right anymore to show how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear that I will make people feel uncomfortable when showing myself to them - how i actually really experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and belive there is no point in showing how i actually really expreince myself, because this leads to nothing anyway.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe there is no point in showing how I actually really experience myself - because nobody understands me anyway.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear disturbing the normality and apparent order of my enviroment, through showing how I expereince myself really and actually.

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmyself to hide the way i exprience mysefl so as to not disturb the course of my enviroment.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to think that hypocrisy and deciet diserves the time of day, while I must hide how I actually experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to believe and think that it is nessecary to hide how I expereinc emyself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe "there is no time now for this"- and within this statement push myself aside.

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