Saturday, May 24, 2008

I want to forget

ok, I wa just downstairs and my mother asks me to give her the days I work: to write them down in a book for her, as I receive my scheduals every three weeks and allways variable. I was reading my hours out loud to her, and while doing this I went... "bheeeeeuuuuuu, shit damn, this is loooong hours work - i am already Tiiiiiiiiiired". Especially I got discouraged that I will only have sunday free and then monday work 9 hours again - not sure if I should take off my hat for Darryl, maybe he's just insane or somthing. Anyway I start sensing heavy resistance for everything which is involved with my job - to go there and do the hours, to pull myself through it. BUT - good stuff for self-forgiveness I can assure you ! Especially I felt discouraged when reeding the schedule for my next three weeks to my mom, so that it was all laid out before me: I felt copletely nailed. I am eating an apple and at same time keeping an eye on the tim, i hve to get off again soon! TIME... I.... HATE it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that time is real, because a piece of paper says i have to work for next three weeks on this and this day.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to need some form of relief in the future, something i can hope for, something that will enable me to escape.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look forward to the day I will not be forced to either go to school or go to work - but just be free.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define freedom as not having to go to school or to work anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mentally compensate my work effort through convincing myself there will exist relief in the future - it must!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for relief in the future, and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bet on this, to place all my faith in this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope that how I experience myself and the nature of this reality will one day end by itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope and expect that how I experience myself and the nature of this reality will sooner or later inevitable end - then I will be able to rest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope for this reality and how I experience myself within it will end all by itself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect and want to convince myself that this reality and how I experience myself within it will surely - "it MUST be sooo!!!!" - end at on
point in the future, all by itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for liberation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be liberated from this reality and how I experience myself within it

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be set free from this reality and how I expreince myself within it

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to silently mutter to myself: "fuck this world and everyone in it! They may all go to hell! I will escape all on my own, I will be GOOOOOOOOOONNNEEEEEEEEEE !"

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to want to run away from this reality and how I experience myself within it - I already did this once: no solution.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think: fuck it, now I am done!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think: "to hell with this reality, I rather run away than do something about it! so long everyone!"

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that this reality - the very nature of it - is me entirely and infinitely, therefore there is nowhere to run - nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not want to understand that there is nowhere to run, or nowhere where i can forget.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to rather 'forget about work' than to deal with the expereince of myself there.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to drink so that i can forget.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to eat chocolate so that i can for a moment, forget.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to simply forget about this reality and how I expereince myself within it - now this is not very possible, is it?

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want to forget through going to sleep - sleep being my "blissfull forgetfullness".

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to be blisfully forgetfull - like with the novel i read, where this old man had allzheimer and i wanted it too.

I forgive myself that IO have allowed myself to want to have allzheimer so that I can forget about this reality and my expereinc emyself within it.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to wanrt to die, so that i acn forget forever.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget forever - not remembering ever again.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget about the misery that i expereinced.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to deliberatly want to forget about the fear i expereinced at home.

I forgive myself that i have allwoe dmyself to want to forget about when I was little.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget my entire life

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget all that oi have done.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forever forget all that I have done.

I forgeive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forever forget all that I have said.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever all that I have thought.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever all that I have written.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forever forget about all that I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to want to forget forever about Desteni

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to forget forever about all that I have seen.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want to forget about all that I have participate in.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forever forget all that i have become.

I forgive myself thgat I have allwoed myself to want to forever forget about this world.µ

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to want to forget forever about the pain I expereinced.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to want top forever forget about all that i have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allwoe dmyself to forever want to forget about all the suffering that I have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to forget forever about the cowardness that I have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to forget about everything and be able to start "over again" - and believing next time it will be better....

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