Thursday, May 22, 2008

I judge me as being pathetic

yesterday moring, a massive amount of self forgiveness, - because of compounded issue which became clear after dancing vid. One judgement: "I am pathetic." In the sense of when people say, "God, you are pathetic!"(In dutch I spoke forgiveness with the word 'zielig') so - this took me some hours to kinda get a grasp of how deep this judgement went - very deep, still not done AT ALL.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I recorded myself while dancing with myself - all alone, which according to 'normal standards' is weird and pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judfge myself as being pathetic, because of the way my back is bent on the video.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I have a skinny appearance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my appearance which I have defined as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge being skinny as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge being fat as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I wear toothbraces (when 12 yeras old, but i allways sf in present tense).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I dont stand up to the boy down my street who calls me names and "girl" evertime he sees me, because I have long hair.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because when going to the cinema to a toilet, someone mistook me for a girl and said I was entering the wrong door - the men's room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because "no one ever calls me".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I don't have many friends.

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysefl to judge myself as being pathetic, because I have no "real friends"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic because I have a low grade.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because once in boyscouts a boy who was some yeras older challenged me to a fight and I said ok, - a sort of duel, just "to play" - and then he hit me quite hard and I cried.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because I got fired at my last job!

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyefl to judge myself as being pathetic, because of all the stuff i wrote on this blog, for everyone to read.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to judge myself as being pathetic, when I sing "a wrong note" when singing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, when people saw me being drunk and falling down in a pit and puking.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I think I have a small dick.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my penis is not symmetric in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because "i am still a virgin".

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as being pathetic, because my parents caught me watching porn - they found the websites i visited and now my mother has seen all the pages I visited.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my father told me -when on a mountain walk, that I had to place my feet straight and not inward "like a girl" when sitting down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I started to walk with my feet pointing somewhat inward, and the teacher pointed this out to me, sayiong this is ridiculous and imitating my way of walking, of which i was not aware.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I dont dare to dance in public.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am scared of heights (the heights, this will become athread on its own)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I think I am the only one being scared of heights.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic because I fear having to physicly defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I wrote a bad story.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because when running I was last of my class.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because when playing Vampire, Way would allways catch me first.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because nobody understood our "schoolfeest performance" and Po Wing made us run one round to much on the stage.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because my mother is ashamed of walking on stage first with me - which is a part of schoolfeest performance.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because our class was the only one to 'really screw' up the schoolfeest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myselfd to judge myself as being pathetic, because someone saw me cry because I was scared of a barking dog.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because there had entered a Sprinkhaan (dutch word) in my bedroom and I was so scared I went to get my dad to chase the insect out of my room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I cut myself to a barbed whire and Antonio told me to pee on the wound, which I did, so that It wouldnt get infected and my nephew and his friend saw me doing this and where laughing with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the only one who's chain falls off all the time, so that i have to put it back on all the time and stop my bike, and the others dont bother to wait for me and they are too far gone for me to call them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the only one who doens't dare to take his pants of and jump in the water naked like the others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I am the youngest person in the room and I don't smoke, nor blow, nor drink alcohol, and nobody seems to particularly care about me or like me or even mind that I am there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because two old friends from primary school came by and invited me to come along to have a drink in cafe, and I immedtiately fear being seen with them, because of how silly and pathetic I judge them to be.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I didnt went to the funeral of my friend his father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I made fun of a friend of mine who had just died.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because I find myself in a class room with people who are all much younger than me, because I didn't pass the previous year.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as being pathetic, because I allow my father to hit me, because he thinks I have homework to do while in point of fact I had no homework that particular evening.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being pathetic, because i didnt dare to cut my wrists the day I had planned to leave this world.

1 comment:

KIKI said...

hi gabriel,
we mostly judge ourselves about little things that others wouldnt even notice-but we think/believe it to be a big deal-and that others would judge us for that.(and this is common way of human beings thinking)becouse evryone see him/herself asd center of attention,as if being watched under the microscope.thnx for sharing
p.s.i expect to see that dance vid on you tube.allready checked but i see u still didnt post it.