Saturday, May 31, 2008

Perfection & Completeness

on the forum there existed a thread which was called "the art experience" - dont matter if u know about this forum or not/not relevent for what I wanna say - I had checked this thread in the beginning when i was on the forum, but even then I had felt great resistance for checking it out: the judgement was overwhelming: "whats art gotta do with ANYTHING ???!!!!" So - to me this was "not relevant", I'd rather have this thread didnt exist. Apparently there ware many people who were quite talented at drawing - this also made me feel weird.

see - I'd rather not even write about this, but if dont soon, then Im gonna loop. what comes up is Andrew and him being an artist - or rather being a talented drawer/painter. I had great admiration for the pictures of his paintings/drawings he posted, but immediately there was the ago-old judgement: "yep, thats MUCH better than me - I cannot do this, NOPE. I cannot reach that level, I'm simply not that good, I dont have it within me to be that good, to reach that level." Since when i was a child, i d compare myself to others: what I saw was, my drawings were simply better than all the others. I believed in the truth of this. this is how I differentiated msyelf from the rest. For example up to when I was twelve, i hadn't met a child or even an adult who could draw better than me, in my estimation.

But - I "failed". I soon - or late - came to meet people who would exceed my talent. This was intolerable for me, how was this possible? How is it possible that I am not at least as good as they are? I CAN draw, so what is amock here, do I lack something still? I felt limited. Beyond what you can imagine - infinitely limitted. Stuck within my own 'mediocrity'. "I am not good enough". I had to find a way - there HAD TO BE A WAY, that I can find to get myself at the same level of capability, so I'd work on improving msyelf, working on the detail, etc. But - for instance there was a guy in the drawing Academy where I want on saturdays - I knew he was beyond my level. No discussion, no options, no possibility - it was IMPOSSIBLE. When I had seen one of his paintings: the way his brush had formed a 'party of clouds' - the colors he had used, the outstandingness of his sight - perfection - I could never reach. It was not for me. I felt fear when standing in front of his painting. How did he do that?

Another time he had drawn a tree that consisted of human bodies - the human bodies were the thrunk and the leaves, only naked bodies, like in a flowing movement growning out of the ground and reaching in all directions of the sky. This was maybe ten years ago - several months ago I drew myself the same tree, but then with the human bodies, instead of growing out of the ground with their hands and heads upwards, actually travelling back - like the tree was a cluster of bodies being sucked into the ground, with their heads facing downwards. I still had the picture of his tree inside my mind - the comparison - of ten years ago, and I thought: yes, my drawing is definately more perfect than his. The day in the academy when he was drawing this tree, the two - and only - teachers (they were both artists) had been standing by his side as he completed the drawing. I was looking at how they stood together, the teachers being full of attention for his drawing and he being comfortable about this

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define beauty in separation of myself, as a beautifull drawing I made

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as the drawing I made of for instance a horse

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as less than perfection and beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as inferior to perfection and beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not want to recognize perfection as myself - to rather keep on expereincing myself in total inferiority

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hate msyelf because I think I am not perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to resent myself because I have compared msyelf to others and judged msyelf as not being good enough - not perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to compare myself with some one else and judge me to be less than this person, because "he is more perfect than me"

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define myself according to my drawingskill - the ability to produce a 'perfect drawing'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear perfection

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tow ant to 'reach perfection'

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define perfection as looking at a drawing i made

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define perfection as resemblance to reality

I forgive myself that I havea llwoed msyelf to define perfection as a 'balance of form' on ahseet of paper

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as drawing on a sheet of paper so that people will 'recognize' what I draw immediately, without question, as a perfect immitation of 'reality'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define perfection as a picture

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define beauty as a picture

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define perfection as 'a perfect match with reality'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define perfection as lines on a piece of paper

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to participate in the idea and belief that - because I am not the best - it actually dont matter anymore what becomes of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not care about msyelf, because I 'discovered I am not the best'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to a drawing i made

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to frustrated when seeing someone I judge to be a better drawer than me - meaning his drawings are more 'perfect'

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to accomplish perfection through drawing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to want to accomplish perfection through writing

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to participate in the thought and belief that perfection is something outside of me and seperate from me therefore I must strive to accomplish it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be perfect

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I must be perfect

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience msyelf as 'not complete' and 'unfullfilled' - and to only experience fullfillment when I can admire a perfect picture

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the belief and idea that i am incomplete, therefore I must strive to become fullfilled

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate msyelf from completeness

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to want to become fullfilled through believeing that I am fatally incomplete

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to define myself as fatally incomplete

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to think and believe that i am hopelessly incomplete

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