Wednesday, May 28, 2008

power & fear

when waiting for bus, I was doing self forgiveness on fear of conflict with people. Then I realized why I had wanted to be friends with specific people - allmost all of my friends. The thing is, I fear a specific person might in a situation or another get angry at me, and that i will not know what to do - that i will just be helpless in this. Therefore I make them my friend, so that they stand on 'my side'. And I defined power as being friends with them. see, i only would become friends or be friendly to people I would feel threatened by, because my fear of other people is simply immense. The fear is actually fear of fear itself: that I will expereince fear when I am in an argument with a person or if he/she gets angry at me/with me.

This is exactly how my father functions aswell. Making himself be feared, so that he could experience some sense of power. From a certain point on in my life, to a lot of people I had become quite an intimidating person, especially in public school. When I doubled my fourth grade, the everyone in my new class was kind of affraid of me - or most of them certainly where. This was plain and obvious in the way their eyes moved when speaking to me, for instance. The next year I found myself with only girls in my class - and a year later someone had admitted to me she had been really scared of me, because of how I was. Even today at work, I saw a couple of guys having a laugh when waiting in my row to pay for their food, and I assumed they were having fun with me, because one of them stared at me while busrting out in laughter. I gave him a cold hard look - this allways 'works' - but at the same time, I was like: shit, this goes really deep. And I do it allways when walking the streets and a guy walks by for instance - allways look them straight in the eyes and so forth: so, every eye-crosspoint, to me, had become a duel. When my firts years at public school, when sitting in the station waiting for my train, I'd play this 'game': I'd pick myself someone who was stainging in the stationroom together with me and I would start staring them in the eyes, without stopping. This I would maintain, until the other person 'abandoned' and turned their head away uncomfortably. Some people would respond to this 'game' and try to put up with me - like one guy I remember, he had a red face - he didn't give up easily, and just when I was starting to get scared myself an on the verge of panick, he turned away - and I went, 'phew'.

So, power... and fear. All power in this world works through fear, if you think about it: the government, the police, the army, the law, the justice-system, a court, school...

The only people i would really not care being friendely to, were people I did not fear in any way whatsoever - this gave birth to an interesting incident recently at work: there were a guy and his wife in a wheelchair, and I allmost bumped into them - but I couldnt care less, not because i was self-aware in that moment, but because they didnt scare me - I percieved they could not do anything to me - that I stood entirely safe from them. So, a short while later I bumbed into them again, and again I didnt apolgize and gave them an indifferent look, but this time they showed me their teeth and they got angry with me, both of them and especially the woman in the weelchair - shortly after leaving the place in dismay. (good thing they didnt went to manager, or I'd lost my job right there). Now, as this woman got angry with me, attacking me verbally, I felt realy scared suddenly - nailed to the ground by fear, I felt entirely defenseless and didnt know of what to say or what to do, and I was relieved they just left right away.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear someone might get angry at me and attack me phisaically or verbally.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear that I will be in fear when someone gets angry at me and attacks me verbally or physically.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as the ability to instill fear into people

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as being feared by others

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want to be friends with someone, because I fear the possibility of them getting angry at me, and I then will be in fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be constantly on my guard, in fear, when I walk the streets - giving people cold looks, so as to have the upperhand in every encounter with another male that I experience as possibly able to attack me in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if and when I drop my 'defense' I will certainly be attacked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear being attacked on the street by a guy

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear I will be in total fear when I get attacked by another guy

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear my father may attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear that I will be in total fear when my father would attack me, therefore I create myself a situation, wherein he is slightly intimidated by me - to keep him under the tumb

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to want to instill fear into people, so that they would never dare to attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tow ant to be feared, so that it would be known that I am not to be messed with

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to appear a bit scary, - dark and cold - so that no one would dare to take me on and attack me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to exist in fear that I will be in fear if and when I get attacked

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to expect - through my fear - that if I possibly get attacked, I will be in total fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to when someone attacks me - immediately exist in fear of death, fear to lose me

I forgive myself that i have allowed mysefl to purposefully be harsh to people so that they would be affraid of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to present myself as harsh so that people would be scared of me

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