Saturday, May 24, 2008

Risk everything or fall

two incidents at work that need some attention and corrective application. (probably more, but lets take it easy for a moment)

I am walking around in the restayrant, and it is an incredinle busy day. Also, it is quite hot temperature. And as soon as the restaurent gets crowded, there emerges a fever amongst the people inside it. Again, but even more than usual, there were a lot of parents with their children, because this restaurant is supposedly a child-friendly place to go to in the weekend. ok, I gonna cut the crap. Basically, I am standing, hearing seeing before my eyes, am man - he is a father, sitting with his family at the table - and suddenly he goed over to his youngest daughter lifts her up from her chair or something and then smacks her back in it very agressively. The girl is so small - the father is like a bull. She cries heavily and the people with whom he shares the table, his relatives, they keep quit, say nothing - but they are aware, because they are ashamed. I was very overwhelmed by this, I felt a strong Urge to do somthing but it was too confused and I cried because I didn't stand up for the girl.

I blamed the woman they didn't stand up for the girl, because I feared standing up to this man for this reason aswell - I was affraid of him. I perceived him as intimidating and powerfull, while I expereinced msyelf as fearfull and also the fokking idea that what happens between a family is nobody elses bussiness... I see this more and more: the family as a greed-matrix. Today I understood people dont want children really, rather: they want to 'become a parent', a mother or a father - a huge fokking difference! So, its not even about the children - who are conceived from within a goddamn sex-system, the fruit of greed and power.

The other day there were two children lost with our department of the warehouse - they were in heavy tears, looking for their parents. They held eachother closely and couldn't stop crying. This confused me again, as I was unaware of myself in that moment, I slipped into fear and worries - what must be done? How can this be fixed? etc. I hear childrens tears and crying every day - at work - this allways reminds me to keep focussed, to never stop. How many times will I let this happen again before my eyes?

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to not live mysefl - to fear living myself as courage, the courage to stand as me as all as equall with no compromise, in every moment.

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think and believe and participate in the definition, that what happens inside a family, is never my bussiness.

I forgive myself that I ahve allowe msyelf to fear risking everything- to put all at risk, to stand up to abuse of children.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear risking to get physicly hurt, in standing up to a grown up abusing a child - even if this is a parent, this is completely IRRELEVANT.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed mysefl to think and believe that parents have a special right to the abuse of their children.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to support the imaginary reality of the family, where parents have the perceived right to abuse their children.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting go of everyhing in one moment to stand and do what is nessecary.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear the unpredictability of my expression, of my standing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold myself back through 'practical CONsiderations' - all fear-based bullshit: either I stand in self-honesty as me in every moment, either I hide in fear and use excuses and justifications as to why I allow this to exist.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear the power of me the power to direct, to interject, speak, and direct all as one.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to play safe, and choosing for the observers standpoint - I observe and judge, this is not acceptable.

I forgive myself to use excuses as, 'maybe I dont stand clear within me yet' or 'I am not ready for this yet', 'I am not up to this/this is not my call'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wait for a point in the future where I will be ready to stand without compromise - so that I can be self-dishonest in the meanwhile, in the moment.

I am readyness, as me as all as equal as one as me. I am HERE - therefore I am ready ALLWAYS.

I forgive myszelf that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself- no more bullshit, thank you please!

Who bullshits who? I bullshit me! YES - this is what we do !

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear interjecting in a family situation, because I have no authority over the child nor over the parents.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to actually think and believe that in order for my interjection to be justified and valid, I must be a government instance!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to despise my mother and judge her as being pathetic, because she never stands up for us to father - while this is actually my own judgement unto myself: to be pathetic because I am in fear of my father and I piss my pants when he screams at me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the risk of getting phisicly hurt, in standing up for me to my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelft of fear getting physically hurt in speaking up to my father in speaking up for me. I must understand and see: I cannot lose me, I remain.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to be intimidated by phisical pain

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to fear and let myself be controlled by this fear of getting phisically hurt- as if i REALLY have something to lose.

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyeflt o fear being smacked in the face.

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear being stamped at and smacked in the face.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hit on my head.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my fear of getting hurt.

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to not put everything at risk because i see this must stop, and if I allow this to continue, then i support abuse, blooshed, and torture.

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to wantr to stand 'neutral' to world events- this is "none of my bussiness."

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to hide cowardly into neutrality and 'this is not my bussiness'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that it is normal that a child should endure the abuse of their parents, because I went through this aswell - so it cannot be that bad.

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