Sunday, June 29, 2008

Unconditional Trust

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as my friends believeing me when I talk to them about conspiracies in the world

i frogive msyelf that i have allowed smeyflt ode fine trust as my friend believeing me when I talk to her about chemtrails and then lose my trust because she didn't

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed mseyfl to define self trust as people believing everything I say and agreeing with me

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed smyefl to need for people to believe me and agree with me to be able to expereince self-trust

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define trust as being seen as a 'relyable source' of information and insight

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as B. believeing me when I talk to him about desteni and the portal and the dimensions etc

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as my father believing me when I explained the 9/11 conspiracy to him - but he didnt eventually and i screamed at him

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become consumed with anger because he would not believe me and not "grant me this piece of trust"

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defien trust as the customer at work believing me when I told him I had to for a while fill my drawer with money and he was skeptical about this and complained about his food getting cold

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become consumed with anger and hate because this customer would not take my explanation seriously and not "grant me this piece of trust"

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as this customer taking my explanation seriously instead of questionning it

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as nobody being suspicious towards me - everybody believeing every word i say and trusting me to be truthfull

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as my sisters believeing me when they ask me a question about why i did or did not do something and them believeing my answer - even if it is not really self-honest

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as being trusted by another and this person believing what I say without being suspicious towards me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as my mother believing everything I tell her about conspiracies and banking and the future of the world,

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as someone believing me rather than another

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as my father believing my account of why there was a fight with another child instead of listening to the other child who had even spitted towards me right infront my fathers eyes

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define trust as my father unconditionally hearing and believing me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien unconditional trust as my father believing my account of the story rather than even LISTENING to the other kid

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define trust as my mother believing me when i told her I did not steal a toy from a smaller child at school - while in fact I did

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelft od efine unconditional trust as my mother believing my account of things no matter what

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define unconditional trust as my father believing my account of things no matter what

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelft o define trust as Nico believing my account of the story when I got bahsed by a tram and I was exaggerating the story

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as my grandmother believing my account of things when she received a phonecall from a crazy old whoman who told me and my nephew lies about there being wolves in the field that supposedly had bitten her, and how this was dangerous and we should better go home

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defien unconditional trust as my sisters believing me no matter what i say

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelft o define unconditionnal trust as my friends believing me even If what i say sounds very unlikely to them

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define unconditional trust as T. believing me when i told him chemtrails are unnatural and poisonous

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define unconditional trust as b. believing everything I tel him about my own research and eventually about desteni and the portal and that this portal is authentic

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define unconditional trust as people on the forum believing me or people in chat

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as my teachers believing me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define trust as my teacher believing me when I told her that when it is REALLY dark at night you cannot see ANYTHING, but she didnt believe me and got angry with me, because my drawing was too dark for her liking

(she even urged me to go in the cupboard and closed it and when I came out I said I can see anything because it is dark! Then she got so pissed she clawled in the little cupboard herslef and closed it and came out irritated and said ok, you're right its pitch black!)

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self trust as based on my knowledge and me being right in this

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self-trust as at all times having all the correct info about anything, any subject

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Power

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power a being able to tell another being that he/she is mistaken in some matter and that they should better consider MY viewpoint

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine power as baing better at drawing than another being

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as having better drawingskills than another being

I forgive msyelf that I havea llwoed msyelf tod efine power as being able to teach someone somthing

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as being right in a conversation

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to define power as having more knowledge about a certain subject than someone else

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel tod efine power as telling another he/she is wrong

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define power as telling anotyher being maybve consider this or maybe consider that, or check this or that

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power in seperation of myself in needing someone seperate from me to compare myself to

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as being so good at something that now I can help another with this

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as being better than someone at something - and to define myself according to this "better than", within comparing myself to this being

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define power as ging acritical comment on someone their post

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf tod efine power as pointing ouit another his self-dishonesty

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as having the ability to see more clear than another into their own state of mind

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define power as being able to tell somebody what they are doing 'wrong', from the perspective of becomming more effective

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define power as winning atennis game

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed msyelf tod efine power as winning a game with Chess against someone

I forgive msyelf that i ahvea llowe dmsyelf tod efine power as someone asking me for assistance

I frogive msyelf that i havea llowed msyelf tod efine power as a perception of myself of going faster in process than others

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine power as being 'such a good drawer' that no one can compete with me

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine power as learing maite how to read when she was 4-5 years old

I frogiev msyelf that i havea llowed msyelf tod efine power as playing the role of teacher when we would play "little school" at home with my sisters and I would "give them homework" and such and they would have to listen to what i say

I frogive msyelf that I havea llowed msyelf tod efine power as ciorrecting someone their "mistake"

I forgive msyelf that i havea llwoed msyelf to support the existnce of competition within me and within this world, because I defined power through and within competition

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf tod efine power as being "more advanced" in drawing than another so that they come ask me for advice on how t do something - how would I do this, etc

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as being able to silence someone

I frogive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efien power as being able to make someone ashamed of themselves

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as pusching someone over and the person falling on the floor

I frogive msyelf that i havea llwoed msyelf tod efine power as kicking someone so hard they fall over and grow scared of me

i frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define power as frightening someone to death - for example by jumping unexpectedly in front of them and scream

I frogive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine power as making animal noises in the dark while everyone was looking for me but i was hiding up in a tree

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as telling someone they are stupid

I frogiev msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efinepower as telling someone to shut up

I frogive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efine power as raising my voice against someone and seeing the other react in fear

I frogive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efien power as "being the one who knwos it all"

I frogiev msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine power as being better at maths than another

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efije power as having the best grades of my class

I forgive msyelf that Ihave allowed msyelf tod efine power as somebody being jalous of me

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine honour as somebody being jalous of me

I frogive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define power as imagining msyelf to beat up my father and even kill him

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as imaging msyelf to beat up someone till they are cripple

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as imaging myself to give someone a karate kick in the eventuality they might bother me

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as imaging myself to give someone a hit with my fist in their face

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien power as seeing the hero of the film kicking the asses of the bad guys

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to believe in good vs evil to justify my thirst for power - because offcourse I would be "good"

I frogive msyelf that I havea llowed msyelf tod efien power as making another feel inferior towards me, less than me

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define power as seeing the good guy on his own kick the asses of several bad guys at the time

I frogive msyelf that i aheva llwoed msyelf tod efine power as imagining msyelf to have a gun in my ahnd and shoot the imaginary bad guys that I see

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as imagining msyelf to have a real gun

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efien power as having the biggest knife of all the children of my age at boyscouts camp

I frogive msyelf that I havea llwoed msyelf to define power as seeing a movie where the army destroys the enemy with bombs and military aircraft

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien power as seeing Luke Skywalker fight with his lightsaber and using his Force

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien power as looking at Jan Solo shooting with his laser gun, shooting the abd guys

I frogiev msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien power as seeing Clint eastwood shooting the bad cowboys with his gun on his own

I frogive msyelf that ihave allowed msyelf tod efien powe as being a member of the World elite

I frogiev msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien power as being amember of the illuminati or another secret order

I frogive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define power as having more money than my sisters

I frogive msyelf that I ahve alowed msyelf tod efien power as looking at Dragon ball Z where San Goku kills the enemy unexpectedly with a massive enrgy ball

I fogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efien power as imaging msyelf to have long knives comming out of my hand like wolverine from X men

I frogive msyelf that have allowed msyelf tod efien power as imagining myself to have a lightaber and fighting imaginary enemies

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine power as imagining msyelf to be a Sajjen like in Dragonball Z and being able to shoot yellow energy beams that do tremendous damage

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself te define power as in front of others winning an argument against someone

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as in the presence of others winning an argument against someone, so that those present may see this

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as pushing someone over in the presence of others, so that all may see what I am capable of

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as kicking someone in the presence of others so that averyone may see what I am capable of

I forgive myself that vI ahve allowed myself to define power as proving someone wrong in the presence of other people, so that I would feel boosted and validated

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as in front of a multitude of people demeaning someone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as calling someone names in front of a multitude of people

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as calling someone a fokking imbecil in front of other people

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as calling someone stupid in front of many others

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as hitting someone in front of many people

I forgive myself that I have allowd myself to define power as spitting at someone in front of many people

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as many people agreeing with me when having an argument with someone, in the presence of others

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power according to anything of this world

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power according to how I can see myself through other peoples eyes

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as seeing myself as powerfull through other peoples eyes

I frogive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as seeing myself as powerfull through other peoples eyes, which is actually the eye of my own mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as wiining an argument against someone in the presence of other people so that I may imagine "how I must have looked"

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define power as a perception of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as a self-perception

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as something I need my mind for to expereince

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as a thought

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define power through and according to my imagination of the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as: in my mind seeing myself as an image, a picture of power

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power according to a relation with other people

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as making myself look more intelligent than another in front of other people, so that in my mind i may see myself as such, as a thought

I forgive myself that have allowed msyelf to define power as in my mind seeing myself as standing "above" another being

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define power as in my mind seeing myself standing above many other beings

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define power within and through comparison - where I will need an other being - 'real' or in my mind - to validate myself against

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as something I must accomplish or attain through proving myself to be more than other beings

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define power as in my mind seeing myself as more than other beings in my world

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define power through comparison in thinking and believeing I am actually more than another being

I forgive myslef that i have allowed myself to not have a clue what REAL power is

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not know that real power is

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to judge power as being something bad

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear power because I judged it as bad

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live myself one and equall with and as power - the power that is me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to understand power, because I feared living power one and equal as myself

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not realize that power is who I am - i am here

I forgive myself that I have not allowed msyelf to recognize power as myself

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to not accept power as myself

I forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to realize that real power is HERE

Peacefullness

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being alone in my old room as a child and playing with my lego on the wooden floor

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as sitting alone in my room in the summer and reading a book

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as walking outside for a walk in the summer - whe the sun shines

I forgive msyelf taht I have allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as the expereince of walking in the sun while it is hot outside

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullnes as sitting in the grass and expereincing the hot sun shining

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as sitting in the grass with my friends and having soem bottles of alcohol we can drink

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being slightly drunk and lying in the grass in the summer

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being slightly drunk and walking in the grass with my bare feet and feeling the grass between my toes in the summer

I forgive msyelf taht I ahve allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as walking barefoot in the summer

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself tod efine peacefullness as playing in the garden when it is summer vacation, in the grass

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as lying in the grass in te summer and smelling the grass

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as looking at the green color of grass in the summer

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to define peacefullness as having our little pool in the garden and playing in the water, which is warm from the sun

I forgive msyelf taht i ahve allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as sitting in the sand by the beach and building a sandcastle in the warm sand

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efinie peacefullness as with friends building a dam in the river in a forest

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to define peacefullness as eating an icecream in the summer, somewhere outside

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as being in Spain, Zafaraya - where it is warm and hot in the summer

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullnes as walking through the fields in spain and hearing the sound of the insects

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as lying together with H. in a bed and lying against eachother in the summer, while the sun shines outside

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as waking up next to H. in a bed and the sun shines outside and trough the windows

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as waking up in the morning, in the summer, next to H. and stretching myself and having the option to continue sleeping for a while longer

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being at L. house without her partents being there, in the summer

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being in L. house in the evening while her parents are away on vacation

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as walking in the evenings in Zafaraya, while it is still hot and I can hear the crickets/sprinkhanen

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf todefine peacefullness as slowly drinking ourselves drunk in the caravan of J, where we come together and are left alone by adults - in the summer

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as not having many clothes on because it is warm

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efain epeacefullness as walking the beach barefoot with my feet in the water and the expereince of the water brushing sand over my feet

I forgive msyelf taht i have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as sitting outside when it is hot and drinking myself a coke with ice-cubes in it

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being with friends in the summer and comming together

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define peacefullness as playing with my spacecraft lego and lego-technics in my room alone

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as with my hands building the spacecraft and other vehicels from lego alone in my room, sitting on the wooden floor

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as playing wargames alone in my room moving around on the wooden floor with my lego's

I forgiv emyslef that I have allowed msyelf to separate me from peacefullnes

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to expereince peacefullnes again 'like when I was a child' instead of realizing: I am peacefullness

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullnes according to situation in the past

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being a child still

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine peacefullness as being alittle boy still

I forgive msyelf that I have anot allowed msyelf to recognize peacefullnes is ME, Peacefullnes is here, as WHO I AM

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to fear realizing Peacefullnes ids HERE within me and as me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not know that I am Peacefullness - this is who i am

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Sexuality V - Purity

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as sucking from the niple of my mother when I was a baby - the sensation of smoothness when having her niple in my mouth

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define purity as looking at a picture of a woman with smooth skin

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as receiving a kiss from a gril - the touch of her smooth lips against mine and her smooth tongue against mine

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define purity as caressing the smooth skin of a girl

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at the smooth skin of a girl her face

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine purity as looking at the smooth skin of a girl her arms and shoulders

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at the skin of a child - for instance her belly

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at the picture of a girls ass, and seeing the smooth and tight skin

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a womans breasts as the smoothness of the breast skin

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyefl to define purity as looking at a picture of naked breasts as the smoothness and tightness of the breast skin

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a pitcure of a girls tummy as the smoothness and tightness of her tummy skin

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine purity as looking at the picture of a woman/girls naked back as the smoothness and tighness of the back skin

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as in my imagination touching the breast of a girl - the imagined expereince of smoothness of her skin

I forgive msyelf that Ihave allwoed msyelf to separate me from purity

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define purity in separation of myself - so that I need something separate from me to generate the expereicne of purity within me

I accept purity as myself

I acnkowledge and recognize purity as myself as WHO I AM

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not know that purity is WHO I AM

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to not know that I am purity already - that I am HERE already as purity

I forgive me that I have not allowed msyel o live msyelf in every moment a myself as Pure life

I am Pure life - as WHO I AM

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien purity as an image in my mind

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as pictures in my mind

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as a picture in my mind of smooth skin of a woman breast

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine purity as a picture in my mind of the smooth skin of a womans ass in my mind

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define purity as seeing the face of a little girl, the smooth skin of her face and feel atttraction because of this in my mind

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as a picture in my mind of two grils kissing eachother

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a girl licking another girl her tongue

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a video of two girls playing with eachothers tongue

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a video of two girls playing with eachothers lips

I forgive msyelf to define purity as kissing, licking or sucking something smooth and warm, as an image in my mind

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at two girls kissing eachothers tongue, because I imagine this to be smooth and warm

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as expereincing the smoothness and warmth of my mothers nipple in my mouth when drinking from her breast

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as a picture in my mind of a sweaty breast

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define putiy as looking at a video of people having sex and the woman her body being all sweatty

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as looking at a picture of a gril having sex and her face being sweatty from this

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as receiving a kiss from the warm and smooth lips of a girl

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as imaging myself to in my mind tough the warm and smooth breasts of a girl/woman

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define purity as imagining myself to lick or kiss the warm and smooth breasts of a girl - as a sensation in my mind

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define purity as imagining myself to touch the smooth and warm skin of a grils ass - as a sensation/imagination in my mind

Attention

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efine attention as something I must RECEIVE from another

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define attention as someone else GIVING me attention

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define attention in separation of myself - defined accodring to things and people in and of this world - instead of recognizing attention as myself - I AM self-attention

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to define attention as something i must DESERVE to RECEIVE from other beings - meaning: I must perform something or accomplish something in order to be worthy of attention

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyefl to wanna receive attention by engaging in attentionseeking behaviour

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to be an attentionseeker

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to believe I must be SEEN in order for my application- WHO I AM - to be validated, to be valid

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define attention as something I must 'work for'

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyefl to define attention as soemthing I must do my best to be worthy to receive it in separation from me

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf tod efine attention as being seen by another

I forgive msyelf that i ahvea llowed msyelf to define attention according to this world - as someone looking at my direction

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to define attention as something I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF

I forgive msyelf that I have anot allowed msyelf to LIVE myself as self-attention as me in every moment of breath

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyefl to think and believe that i order to receive attention I must be SEEN and therefore I must be a PICTURE of sorts

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to define attention as being seen as a picture

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to when i enjoy myself hope that somebody sees this, notices this and enjoys this too - as a validation of my application

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to become a picture so that I am ABLE to RECEIVE attention

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to fear death, because then everybody will forget about me - as my mind-definition and personality - and I will recveive no more attention

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoe dmsyelf to fear losing attention through death - instead of realizing me as self-attention - I have attention for me as all as equal as one as me as life

I forgive mysemlf that i have allwoed msyelf to fear LIVING myself as one and equal with all as life - because of fear I will lose the 'personal attention' - this is the death of the mind

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyefl to fear the death of the mind - because I fear to lose attention through being SEEN

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to indulge in the ridiculous belief that i can somehow LOSE attention - as if it were something seperate from WHO I AM already

I accept and acnkowledge and recognize myself as self-attention: the attention I have FOR ME - as all as equal as one as me

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to define attention as someone hearing me and listening to me attentively

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define attention as being heard and listened to attentively by another seperate from me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to define attention as soemone paying attention to my words

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyeflt o define attention as someone spending time with me and hearing me only and not another

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define attention as someone spending time (typo: tie with me) with me and only seeing me and hearing me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to need another to spend time with me and only see and hear ME and no one else

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define attention as being with a being who only will see and hear ME and no one else

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself tod efine attention as being with my mother and she only seeing me and hearing ME and no one else, paying attention to everything I say, to everything I do

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelft od efine attention as being cared for by another who will only see me and hear ME and no one else

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define attention as imagining msyelf standing on a stage giving a rock concert - so that all only see and hear ME and no one else

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define ttention as imaging myself standing on a stage playing electric guitar so that the imagined audience only sees me and hears ME and no one else

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyefl to define attention as imagining myself to have written a novel, so that all my friedns would only see me and talk about me and give me their attention

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define attention as someone reading a story I wrote, reading it with much care and attention

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define attention as imagining myself that people read my blog attentively and with care

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyefl to define attention as being good at something and therefore deserving other people their attention

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define attention as imaging myself to be famous after I have published my first novel in the future

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to define attention as publishing my first novel before I am 19 of age because then i will be the youngest writer in belgium - and will receive attention because of this

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efien attention as an imagined point in the future where I will be recognized as an excellent writer with outstanding writing skills

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to define attention as receiving 'positive comments' on my writings

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to define attention as receiving feedback on what I write from someone

I am self-attention and self-love as me

I have attention for me

I forgive msyelf that i ahve anever allowed msyelf to realize I was seeking for me, for me to be HERE as self-attention

I forgive msyelf taht i aheva llwoed myself to expect from another to show me attention

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to 'give other people' attention from the starting point of them needing it in separation just as I did

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize myself as self-attention

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sexuality IIII - Fullfilment

since yetserday -and previous days a bit slumbering - sexual images pop up in my mind constantly. wel - noyt condtantly, but too often fo my liking. also - a few weeks ago, I had per accident started to watch a eraotic series - and now supposedly, I HAVE t waych it every monday "for self-support", because i do sf while watching- yeah RIGHT

lol

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to desperately want to watch porn movies

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel unsatisfied and from this feeling unsatisfied wanting to watch erotic movies late at night

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to bullshit myself in believeing i am supporting myself through watching this series- because actually I felt frustrated when the other day my father came down and I was too emarrased to continue watching so I quit it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwàoed myself to not see the difference when i am supporting myself effectively and when i am taking a piss with myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to trick myself and making a noble excuse to myself as to why it is ok to watch porn again (once a week)

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to when I suddenly bump into an erotic scene of a film wanna keep watching it desperately and certainly not change the channel

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to let myself be thrown around by my mind as this desire I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that I AM this desire

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to GIVE IN to this desire

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think it is normal to give in to this desire - that it is "human nature"

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to be fokking addicted to this

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to become addictyed and MAKE myself become adsdicted through my continuous ^participation in the mind as sex-pictures and dea's/memories

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to let myself become a gallery of sexual pictures and memories

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to attach value to my inner galerie of pictures and sexual memories and idea's

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to fear giving up ALL these pictures

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that "some of them are really nice though"

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that without pictures in my mind it is imposiible for me to expereince myself AS self-arousal and self-fullfillment

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to exist within a preceived "Lack" of something

I forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to feel drawn to sexual pictures - for instance a porn magazine lying open on the street, with the pictures still visible and recognizable

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to feel drawn to porn movies and sex-pictures - to the point I cannot ignore them anymore

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define fullfillment as watching a porn magazine

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define fullfilment as thinking about a sexual tainted pictuere in my mind and keeping focussed on it

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define fullfillment as masturbation while thinking and in my mind 'seeing' pictures of naked woman/girls

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to believe that I AM this eye of the mind which 'sees' sex-related pictures even though they are not really present

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define fullfilment as watching naked people having sex on television

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define fullfillment as having an orgasm while masturbating I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define fullfillment as feeling aroused
when in my mind overviewing all those pictures

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to define fullfilment in wtatching pictures and images of woman and girls

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define fullfillment as watching sex on the internet - picturesa nd images

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to believe that these pictures have REAL power over me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to indulge in the illusion of fullfilmment through watching pictures and porn

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to define fullfillmnet as looking at the body of this woman dressed in red that showed up at work

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define fullfilment as a perception

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define fullfilment as perceptual

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think i need my eyes in order to be able to be fullfilled - to expereince fullfillment

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define fullfillment as looking with my eyes at the body of a woman/girl - looking at her shapes

I forgive msyelf that i aheva llwoe dmsyelf to define fullfilment as through my mind looking at and seeing the body of a woman/girl and looking at the shapes of her body such as her breasts and her hips and legs

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to believe I need my mind as pictures and images in order to be able to experience fullfillment

I forgive msyelf that i ahev allowed msyelf to define fullfillment seperate from ME I forgive msyelf that I ahvea llowed msyelf to separate ME from fullfillment

I forgive msyelf that i ahve not allowed msyelf to recognize and accept msyelf as self-fullfillment as myself - without external picturs and images

I forgive msyelf that i aheva llowed msyelf to not know that I am fullfilled as myself as me already in every moment of breath

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to live myself as fullfillment as msyelf

I forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf one and equal with and as fullfilment as myself as all as equal as one as me as life

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

the need to understand

I forgive me that i have allowed me to not undesrtand myself - as hwo I am

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to understand myself

I forgive msyelf taht I have allowed msyelf to think i dont understand myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelft o use the excuse form within mind that I dont understand myself and therefore I need someone to point something out for me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to separate me from myslef in believeing I dont undesrtand myslef

I forgive msyelf that i have allowd msyelf to fear myself because I dont undesratnd myself !

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to exist in fear of myself because i dnont undesrtand one fuck of myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear what I dont understand

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear something when I dont understand it

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear oneness and equality as life as all as one as equal because I dont understand it

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to fear things I dont undesratnd

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear beings I dont undesratnd

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear manifestations i dont undesratnd

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to fear the dimensions because i dont undesratnd it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to scripyt myself as - i dont undestranhd this and that -

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to undesratnbd everything so that I can exist woithout fear

so why this fear?

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear living myself as one and equal with something/someone - therefore I want to undesratnd it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear this life, because I dont undserand it- I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear living life as me as one and aquall as me

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to fear living myself as one and equall with my body with no separation in any way - therefore i want to undesratnd it

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to want to undesratnd something, out of fear to live myself as one and equall with it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to fear that if I live msyelf as one and equall with all as life - then I will actually die

ok off to work, to be continued

Sunday, June 15, 2008

my name

ok - my name. not done any self forgiveness on it yet.

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

actually this is though point -

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to like my name better than the name of other people

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to define beauty as the sound of my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to attach much value to my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I have a pretty name

I forgive ùmsyefl that i have allwoed msyelf to think I am unique and special because no one has a name like me that I know of

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present and hide msyelf behind my name

I forgiv emsyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge my name -

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to compare my name to the name of others and believe that I have 'the best name'

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to think I have an artistic name

I forgive msyelf taht I have allwoed msyelf to think I have a great advantage with a name like this, because it is a name that sounds good therefore I will more easily get famous

I forgiv amsyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be famous - as a mode of super-attention and hyper-acceptance

I notice and accept me as all as equall as one as me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define gratefullness as being gratefull for my parents having given me this name, instead of realizing and recognizing gratefullness as myself as all as equal as one as me

I forgive myself to think that thaks to my name i am more special than others

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want people to like my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want people to remember my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed myself to define who I am according to the name gabriel zamore moreno - i let go, this is not who I am

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think my name empowers me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think that without this name I'd be no one in this world

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to live and exist in and as fear of nobody knowing me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be known as "gabriel zamore moreno"

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i am so unique because of my last name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe that I belong to a special family because of our exotic name that every one seems to notice

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define myself according to my family name: zamora moreno

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to think that with a name like mine, I have all the chances of becomming famous

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe that because of my name and because i can draw so nice, there must be a special life laid out for me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define gracefullness as the full sound of my name and family name

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe that my name is who i really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think I have a special name

I forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to be excited when I introduce myself because then I may say my name to another

I forgive msyelf that I have a llowed msyelf to hope that my name will draw me attention

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not like putting my name on a drawing I made - therefore writing: "its mine", like a joke

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think I have a glorious name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to define glory as the full sound of my name - my name which indicates that i will have a very special life full of glory

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be jalous when the little prince of belgium was named gabriel as well - because now my name was stripped of its unique-ness and it would allways be associated with the name of the prince

(lol yesterday in chat Paul asked me, what does zamora mean? And I said (as a 'joke'): "beautifull prince" - while zamora means nothing actually (that I know).

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel as if someone stole my uniqueness through naming the little prince gabriel

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I am important because the 'most important Angel' in the bible is called Gabriel as well

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define myself as "I have the name of the Archangel"

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define honour as having the name of the number ONE angel in the bible - no other character had this name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe my name makes me important somehow

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe that with a name like mine it is easy to become popular

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wanna be popular

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be seen and noticed and remmbered through my name and the picture-presentation of who I am

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to my name together with my picture-appearance

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to think and believe that I AM my name and my picture appearance

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to think I have a special name because it is neither male nor female - therefore I am special

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am interesting because of my familyname

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and believe I have a wonderfull name

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to think my name is: great, cool, amazing, artistic, special, unique, beautifull and glorious - therefor I am a little of all those things

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to separate msyelf from everyone, because I have a different name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to want to be different, but yet be accepted

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to hope that my name will make it easier for me in life

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf adore my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to adore the name: gabriel zamora moreno, together with the picture presentation that goes with it

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf tod efine msyelf according to the name of a picture presentation - I am not a picture

I forgive myself that I have allowd msyelf to think my name is exotic, my family name, because every teacher asks me questions about it

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to adore the picture presentation of msyelf together with my name - the name people call me when they SEE me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o prestn myself in such a way that my presentation would mach the specialness of my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have expectations about myself because of my name

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to want to live up to my name

male honour

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define me as male

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to prefer female company over male company

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rahter be in the presence of females than males

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel more safe in the presence of females than the presence of males

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel more proteced in the presence of females than in the presence of males - especially when i find myself amongst several females

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the company of men

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i dont know what to say when I sit at one table with several people

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to play an act so as to be able to keep being accepted in the group

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to give bullshit answers to questions

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become slightly nervous amongst men and then play an act

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel more confident in the presence of woman than in the presence of men

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine self-confidence as being in the company/presence of females

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define female as unharmfull and passive

mother: passive/ father: active

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think woman are 'less strong than men' and thereofe they are less important

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that because woman are in general less phisically strong than men, they are inferior to men

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to a man, because I think i am not as phisically strong as he is

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel infinitely inferior to my father because he has much stronger arms and hands than me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define strenght as having broad shoulders and muscled arms

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think woman are les than men because thir muscles are generally less develloped than those of men

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe msyelf to feel safe amongst woman, because they can hit me - yes- but not so that i would fear the pain from this

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel more safe with my mother because she hits me less and if she does it is less painfull than with my dad

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear being in the presence of a man who i deem might be phisically more strong than me, because the possibility exist that if i displease him he may hit me hard

I forgive mysemlf that i have allowed msyelf to hide myself more in the presence of men than in the presence of woman

I forgiv emsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think men are more dangerous than woman

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to prefer the company of woman/girls over that of men, because I think they are less dangerous

I forgive msyelf that I have allowedmsyelf to think that being with a man is dangerous

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to attach value to how a man looks - how I look, - because I dont 'look strong'

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to think and believe that the word 'girl' is an insult when used to designate me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel insulted when somebody calls me a girl

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to get angry when somebody calls me a girl

I forgive msyelf that I hva allowed msyelf to think that because I am not so wild and dangerous as men - I rather 'belong 'in the company of woman/girls

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel uncomfortable when somebody asks me if I have a girlfriend

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be ashamed of msyelf because I dont haver a girlfriend

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think it is ridiculous and a disgrace 'that I still dont have a girlfriend and that I never had sex'

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i must uphold my honour - the honour of being a male - through having a grilfriend and having sex

I forgive msyelf that i have allowe dmsyelf to define honour as being a man

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as being aboy

I forgive msyelf that i havce allowed msyefl tod efine honour as having a girlfriend

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defin honour as a girl that apparently fancies me

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as a girl falling in love with me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as a girl looking at me with a certain interest

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as agirl hidding on me

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf tod efine honour as a girl looking me in the eyes

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed myself to define honour as a girl wan,ting to spend time with me

I forgive msyelf taht i have allowed msyelf to define honour a s agirl seeing me as her best friend

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define honour as a girl telling me she thinks I look handsome.

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as being held in high regards by girls

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as bing the eldest and being a boy

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as receiving attention from several woman at the same time

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as walking the streets with L. or H. because I judge their appearence as being beautifull

I forgive msyelf that i hav eallowed msyelf to define honour as agirl comming over to talk to me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as agirl noticing me

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as baing stared at by a girl

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as baing noticed by a group of girls - them turning their heads and stuff

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efine honour as a woman coming to sit next to me in class

I forgive msyelf that i have allowd msyef to define honour as sitting at a table with only woman

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as my collegue fromw rok wanting to hook me up with a girl/partner - even though i did not even ask anything of this sort from her and I barely know her

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as going to a party and girls looking at me dance and showing interest in me

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as N A wanting to kiss me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelft o define honour as K. wanting to kiss me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelft o define honour as masturbating a girl and she giving me signs that i am 'doing it well'/the right way and she is having pleasure

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as R. squeezing my arm when i was masturbating her, because this meant she was having pleasure

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define honour as a girl proposing for me to have sex with her

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as a girl wanting to have sex with me

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to definbe honour as a pregnant woman taking interest in me, sexually

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as abing noticed by a woman who is actualy pregnant

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define honour as baing able to draw the attantion of a girl/woman who is already 'engaged'

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelft o define honour as being able to draw the attention of a girl who already has a boyfriend

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed mysyelf to define honour as making the boyfriend of a girl jalous

Friday, June 13, 2008

self controll

i Have looked for an apprtment to move out to, adn found something: a 'nice place' - but i feel I am being dishonest with myself in thios matter very deeply. I have no self-direction in this matter either, in terms of what I consider as a good reason to actually do it: to move out and go live there. There is my job involved - I fear to lose it everyday. today my 'boss' asked me: will you be there tomorrow? he could have asked this to me for any reason, but I immediately fear that he is planning to announce something to me, to discuss soemthing with me that they consider firing me - so, the startingpoint of me in this job is fokked already and then I wanna use this as a foundation to be able to live on my own! I am considering to say yes to the offer the woman who owns the apprtment made me, but I wanted to clear this mess up first and then see what I will do.

There is also my father involved. I constantly fear simply telling hima bout my plans, he will hear everytrhing from my mother. But to face this matter with him directly, I evade constantly - I dont know how to "announce this".

why do i fear I will get fired?

it feels like with having a job I have 'build myself soemthing to stand on' - to stand separate from my parents and their control over me.

I allways have had the impression that I cannot stand against BOTH my parents - they stand together and I am only alone, they have had the resources while I had nothing of my own

I forgive myself that I Have allowed myself to define self-controll as having money of my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self-controll as living on my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as having money so that I can dispose of my own life - 'do what I want ' without being restricted by my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define selfcontroll as having a room of my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as living on my own without my parents and without financial ties to them

I forgove msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as living 'op kot' (chambers) at university - outside of 'my parenst controll over me'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as going somewhere without my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self-control as a world without my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as secretly deciding to commit suicide - free from my parents and school controll over me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self controll as running away home - to escape the controll of my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed mself to define self controll as being alone with my friends without my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as being alone in the house with my parents away on vacation

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself tod efine self controll as being without my parents in the house

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as being in Kortenberg outside of myt parents controll

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think and believe the controll my parents have over me is real

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to think and believe that my parents actually controll me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as staying over with a friend without my parents even knowing what I am doing

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as being on summercamp without my parents being able to know what the fuk I am doing - assuming I am a 'good boy'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as doing something of which I know my parents would strongly dissaprove if they knew i was doing it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as going to boyscouts with my friends and being a 'pig' - accoording to parents judgement: becomming dirty and speaking dirty language

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as taking 20 francs or so with me every saturday to drawing academy - without my parents knowing it - so that in break time I can buy myself a bag of chips

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine self-controll as going to buy food ins store alone without my parents interfering

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as buying myself soemthing

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as being able to buy all the things I need with money I have worked for myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as leaving my parents house

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as not telling my parents where I go or what i will do

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self controll as being at school without my parents amongst my friends

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self controll as my parents knowing as least possible about me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as my parents not being able to reach me by phone

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as going to live in an appartment - without financial support from my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as not having to ask my parents and my father especially for anything that I might need, because I can provide this for myself

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmsyelf to define self controll as my parents not understanding english and therefore they cannot understand what i wrote on my blog

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as finally my father passing away or him just not existing anymore

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to define self controll as aw orld without my entire family

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as having a job and an income to live by

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self scontroll in separation of me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to separate myself from self controll

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize and accept myself as self-controll that i am already

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to acknowledge self controll as myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed msyelf to live self controll as myself as me as all as equall as one as me

I forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to live myself as self controll as me - as all as equall as one as me

I forgive msyelf that i ahve anot allowed msyelf to realize that self controll is HERE as me - i am here - I am self controll

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

5

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to have to say something interesting so that people would notice and accept me - be my friend

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to have a smart opinion so that people would hear me and want to be my friend

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to stand out so that people would wanna be friends with me so that I'd feel accepted

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to write 'beautifull stories' so that people would hear from me and 'want to know me'

I forgive myself that I have allwoed myself to desire being accepted by another instead of being my own self-acceptance - I accept and notice me as all as equal as one as me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to have an interesting opinion - the most interesting opinion - so that I would stand out and be noticed and so that people would want to be my friend

Monday, June 9, 2008

4

when I was at university I once with some friends - actually it had been my idea/initiative, - descided to have a drink party. My friends, now they were quite different from one another. Basically I had different kind of friends who amongst themselves would seldom relate to one another - so, I'd be the only 'link' between those people. So I brought them all together in the appartment of a friend - for me this was like 'good old times' when I'd meet up with friends with the sole purpose of getting drunk. At one point there were frictions between the different people, because they were not very acqainted with eachother - and I became an asshole, as I had had some drinks already (Whiskey), and I started to make a bit fun of T, who was already feeling quite uncomfortable in the presence of my other friends. The whole evening I had felt a bit frustrated already because H. would not be present - and I wanted to get drunk with her soo bad: for me getting drunk with my best friend was like the most beautifull thing.

At one point T. had enough of me and he stood up and left - afterwards telling me he felt too much 'bad vibes'. A bit previously at the party he had a little conflict with B - and this got me nervous, because B had raised his voice in irritation, because T had been asking hima couple times to repeat himself because he could not understand his accent. interesting, Actually B allways mumbled a bit - I do this too, and when poeple ask me to repeat myself i will either get irritated/angry or I will become anxious ans stutter while I repeat myself. For me this is an intimidating thing, to have to repeat myself because of someone not understanding me, because most times I feel that what I said ws bullshit anyway - I mean, in having to repeat myself I realise I'm talking pure crap and I fear being seen as stupid.

But anyway, T left - and nobody understood why, except me. But I was like: he's just being silly - he was actually having serious inferiority issues in presence of people - just as I did, but he was less intellectually armed and covered to hide this. then later that evening B lashed out on me, because he wanted to leave and had been forced to come up again, because the door was locked and I burst out in laughter because this was the thrid time that evening that someone who was leaving had to come for the key. But I didnt think it was particularly funny, really, I was just being a plain ass - just seeing this incident as an opportunity to burst out in laughter like an idiot - inside I didnt even expereicne joy, it was more of a presentation, "look at how much fun I have, look at how loud I can laugh - oh I am having so much fun." Then B smashed the keys down in anger and called us all imbeceils or something, because of the situation: us getting drunk like this together and making - me particularly - asses of ourselves. I immediately took up keys and placed them back in his hand, trying to calm him down: but again, I was very frightened because of his anger - I felt a cold rush inside as he raisd his voice and almost paralyzed from fear. So, when being drunk I would expereicne less fear of people - but when somebody geting angry directly at me, I'd be sober in an instant from fear.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Maite

ok - what did I expereince when facing maite after I had run away home and attempted suicide? She was on vacation - I had given her no consideration. When returning home, she found I was gone and in the institution. this is where I saw her for the first time after the incident.

When entering my room - in kortenberg - My parents where waiting there - I saw maite and I had not expected to see her. She was in tears and - she had been crying. So, I see her and I think i just gave her a kiss - like we do with family, greeting eachother. I was not ok with the situation. because I seemed to have forgotten that maite would have come along. I felt an enourmous distance between her and me - a part of me didn't undesrtand why she was sad. I didnt expect to have been able to hurt her. I had nothing much to say to her either. Suddenly this whole thing was abit too real for me.

Adele asked me if I had felt guilty about it. See - at one point I closed myself off from maite, and I think it was then. I didnt wanna know about what i had caused in her - I was affraid of it.

next time my parents went on hollyday and I satyed home alone, maite was the one to freak out before leaving. We heard her scream throughout the entire house and nobody could calm her down - even my dad went to talk - or whatever he did - to her and he told my mother that it was because of the last time she had gone away and not seen me, that suddenly I had done this thing while she was away and she only learned about it when she was back - so she apparently had a trauma from this. And my mother had understood the same. See, I was 15 and Maite was a girl of 11 or twelve years old - when i had run away.

another time, this was a few weeks or months after i was out of kortenberg again, i was sitting alone in my room and crying, extensively, and I was crying loudly I think, because Maite entered my room, carefully she opened the door and I said to her in a very harsh way: "go away!" Because I saw that she was attemting to ask me what was the matter, she was actually brave to enter my room and be vulnerable to ask me this and I basically said: no I will not be open with you - never again! I was too ashamed.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

gracefullness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define grace as watching the danceperformance by WT in a theatre.

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define grace as listening to Radiohead

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define grace as listening to Deus

I forgive msyelf that I ahev allwoed msyelf to define grace as being skinny rather than fat

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as the way I expereince myself when I dance

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to define gracefullness as dancing

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as watching a film by Tarkovsky

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as watchging the opening sequence from 'Prospero's books'

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to define gracefullness as reading the opening from a book by Emile Zola

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as listening to the 5 th symfony by Mahler

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to define gracefullness as watching the half-naked body of a girl/woman on television or on posters

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to define gracefullness as seeing Maite dance for the first time

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as being drunk and talking to a total stranger (not sure about this one...)

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define completeness as being drunk and walking the streets at night with some friends

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define grace as touching soft tissues

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define grace as seeing angelina Jolie on television

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define grace as imagining myself to be somewhere else - where it is summer and warm

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as dancing with my fingers and mocving with my arms while I dance

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define gracefullness as looking at the neck and shoulders of a gril/woman

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as the 'lines of the female body' - or rather the idealized picture thereof

I forgive msyelf that I ahev anot allowed msyelf to accept myself as grace as gracefullness as myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define grace as the sound of a grils voice

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to the sound of a girls voice

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft o define grace as listening to the sound of a mans/boys voice

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msylf to separate myself from me -from grace

I forgive msyelf that I ahve not allowed msyelf to recognize and live msyelf as grace as myself - here in every moment -breath

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to the soundtrack of the film 'The offering', by Tarkovsky - Bach or something

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine grace a watching this film in combination with its soundtrack

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to the tree singing in Pocahontas

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define grace as listening to Björk

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to kurt coban sing

I forgive msyelf that I ahev allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to Demis roussos

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define grace as listening to some songs by aphex twin

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to defioje gracefull as seeing a girl walking - the way she moves

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define grace as seeing a woman/girl with her hair tied up

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define grace as seeing a girl/woman in a light (one piece) dress

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as looking at the form of a girls body - the way her back is curved

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine gracefullness as seeing a girls body - the way her schoulders stand slightly backwards, with her chest slightly forward

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as looking at how the skinny neck of a girl/woman supports her head

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define gracefullness as: no hair on the legs of a woman, shaved legs

beauty and the beast

Beauty and the Beast http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGnnaP5ePHs - subliminals

actualy, this was my favorite Disney film. when watching the video by Ben, as he explained the "morale" of the story, I was aha! no wonder I was so hooked to this film, its all about beauty system.

to continue...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

self-pity

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pity

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to have pity with myself

In forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed myself to pity msyelf

I forgive msyelf thyat i ahev allowed msyelft o to have pity with myself because I am in pain an because I suffer

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o have pity with myself because i am sad and I feel heavy

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want people to have pity with me, because I have such a hard time

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want people to have pity with me, so that I dont have to change

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelft need pity from peope as a validation and excuse to not change myself - to remain stuck

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to pity myself because afyter nine months in Psychiatry i now have to go back to school

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity becasue I have to attend math class again, after having attended no serious math cass for nine months

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because I cannot concentrate msyelf

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelft o have self-pity, because I am soo tired after work

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have self-pity because I am in process and I often excpereince this as hard

i forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelft o

I forgive msyelf that i ahev allowed msyelf to live in self dishonesty as self-pity, becaseu in this I re-enforce the belief that i cannot change myself and rathyer complain about myself

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyeflt o commplain about myself - about everything- so that I would feel helpless about myself

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to need to complain about msyelf so that I can remain in the illusion of helplessness

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to have self-pity because I never fell in love with someone

I frogive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because I am scared to travel alone to a distant country

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because of the kind of father I have

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to feel self-pity because when I was a child my father would hit me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity and believeing that my expereince of msyelf is much worse than that of anyone else - so they have no right to tell me I must or can do somthing about it

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelft o think 'I'm real bad - its soo bad'

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because I have so many fears

I forgive msyefl that i ahve allwoed myself to want people to have pity with me because I have so many fears, so that i dont have to bother about transcending and moving and walking through the fear, because I fear change ultimately

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to have self-pitry to validate my fear of change

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelft o have self-pity because I didnt succeed in writing abook when I wanted to - I didnt reach my deadline

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because I have a job which has got nothing to do with what i ahve studied for, and dont has such great income

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to have self-pity because I am dependent of my father

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self pity because I fear my father

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have self pity because my parents 'dont understand me'

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity 'baceuse not many peope undrerstand me'

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity becasue I have to give up everything of how I have defined msyelf in separation

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity and remain in this, so that i dont have to face all the points of separation within me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to have self-pity becaseu I am unhappy

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft o have self-pity because Katrijn suddenly hates me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have self-pity because a boyscout leader yelled at me - so that others would comfort me and give me attention

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to want to have and remain in self-pity so that someone would 'put their arm around me an comfort me'

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelft o get drunk out of self-pity

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to have self-pity and out of self-pity drink myself to waste

I forgive myself that i have allowe dmsyelf o have self-pity because I had to do my forth grade over again

I forgive msyeklf that I have allowed msyelft to have selfpitty because now I am not in class with my friends anymore

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to have self pity and think 'why me????'

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think that if people really knew me, they actually would be nice to me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because "I am convinced 9/11 was perpertated by American government, but no one will believe me"

I forgive myself that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because "I am convinced there is a world elite, but most people will not believe me"

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because most of my friends dont want to believe chemtrails are real

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to have sel-pity because I dont receive a phonecall often

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed myself to have selfpitty because I dont receive personal emails often, yet I check my mails evey day

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsyelf to check my mails every day, to re-enforce the self-pity I have with myself

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to ahve self-pity because my family is on holliday and I am all alone for a walk in brussels and "I feel so lost and abandoned"

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pity because of how my face looks in the mirror

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty because my face doesnt look how I expected, when seeing it on a picture or in profile with special arranged mirrors

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty because of the acne on my face

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty because of the acne on my penis

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty because my penis is not symmetrical when it stand erect, but bows to the left

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to ahve self-pitty because one testicel hangs lower than the other

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft to have self-pitty when feeling excluded

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft o have self-pitty "because with a penis like mine I will surely never have sex - unless I go to a prostitute"

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty so as to eternally remain the same - within the same application of dishonesty

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have self-pitty because when I walk my feet bend inwardly and some people make fun of this

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsyelf to have self-pitty because my mom said that my handshake is not "strong enough"

ok...

Ill continue here or in other format - there is much to go through

Sunday, June 1, 2008

sf after dinner

family - eating: dinner

problem: fear

I dont like dinner with family: why? - when little I had to eat, was forced to eat, even when I couldnt bear the sensation of a particular food in my mouth. why did they force me? I feel much guilt when for instance maite or leila dont like the food, my mom has prepared.

this makes no sense

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to blame myself for not liking my food

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to think there is something 'wrong with me' because both my parents enjoy the food - but I don't

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelft o judge mlsyelf as being pathetic when I cannot stand to eat something

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being 'difficult' and a 'crybaby' when I cannot stand to eat something

I forgive msyelf that i ahve alowed myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear that if I dont finnish my plate, then my father will hurt me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear that If I dont finnish my plate, my father will get angry at me

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear my mother will get really angry at me if I dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my mother will raise her voice at me if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear I will be scared when my mother gets angry with me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft to against my will finnish my plate out of fear I will be scared when my mother gets angry at me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear I will be scared when my father gets angry with me and look at me with anger, so I quickly finnish my plate , I become obedient

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be obedient to my mother out of fear I will be scared if she gets angry at me

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to be obedient to my father out of fear I will be scared when he gets angry with me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to let me be controlled to eat and finnish my plate as my parents say, out of fear I will get puished and in this punishment experience enormous fear.

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to resent the food I eat

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to hate the food I eat

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think it is normal that I should finnish my plate because supposedly my mother loves me and went through the trouble of preparing this food for me

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to get angry at leila once, because I had prepared something and without even tasting, she immeiately threw a load of extra salt on her food

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to resent the very word 'food' - as being something disgusting and groteske

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to hate the very word 'food' - because I dont like to eat, but yet, I cannot controll myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to 'lose myself in the activity of eating' when sitting at the table

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to hate sitting at a table together with people for dinner

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to resent dinner

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to fokking hate - having dinner 'together'

I forgive mlyself that i have allowed msyelf to beciomle completely uncmofortable when somebody watches me while eating

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to rather eat alone, because I cannot stand someone seeing me eat

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to hate msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to despise msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to 'victimize myself' - having the tendency to want to victimize myself while writing SF

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being despicable

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of dirt

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of shit, when I dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of dirt, when i dont like my food and complain about it - because supposedly my mother has made this 'for me'.

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think and believe that not liking some food and nbot finnishing my plate is deeply shamefull

I forgive msyeklf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think and believe and judge msyelf as being 'bad' for not finnishing my plate

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to eat out of misery

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsyelf to feel miserable

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think that i should hide the fact i feel miserable

I forgive msyelf that i have allowe dmsyelft o think and believe that when I feel miserable than I should better not make this obvious

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to think i must 'behave msyelf'

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoe dmsyelf to think I must be polite towards adults

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to think and believe I must be polite towards my father

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i should 'keep my manners' while I sit at a table

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to fear my parents will be displeased about me, and will look down on me, if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to fear anybody looking down on me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyeflt o fear my mother will look down on me, if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to look down on this world and this reality, as I have been looked down upon

I forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelft to look down on children

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to look down on animals

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to look down on nature

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to look down on fat people

forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to look dwon on woman

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to look down on old people

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to judge this world as being a worthless piece of trash and in this judgement- refuse to stand equall to and with and as it

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge this world as being a despicable peice of fokking dirt - better I just forget about it, instead of standing up from it, as and within it.

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to enjoy imagining msyelf kicking the person in the back that walks before me on the stairs downwards

I forgive myself that i ahev allowed msyelft to enjoy imagining myself smashing somebodys head real hard againts the window in the train-coupon

I forgive msyelf taht I have allowed msyelf to enjoy watching people beat up eachother on television

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to enjoy watching a movie-hero for instance breaking somebody's neck - and have a kick out of watching this: yeah!

3

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be angry wioth myself - becvaseu I am not applying myself in every breath in every moment

I frogiev msyelf that I ahve allowed msyzelf to play around in thye mind
µ
I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to klet msyelf be durected by thoughts of the mind

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsuelf to let msyelf be directed by desires of the mind
µ
I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to want somathing or want to be something instead of Willing me - I will me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define this moment - here - as boring and unsatisfying

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to defione this moment - here - as painfull and uncomfortable
I forgive msyelf that I ahve alowoed myself to define here - this moment - as 'stupid place to be'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not want myself

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowe dmsyelf to not want to be with myself

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyuelf to want to pre-occupy myslef

I forgive mlsyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to get irritated - extensiveli irritated, when I expect something to happen so that I can move on with my plan, acording to my intention - but then the thing I expect doesn't happen, and I get irritated because now I have to slightly "adapt my plan"

I forgivbe msyelf that I have allowes myself to think and believe I need a plan in order to survive

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoe dmsyelf to think that withouit a plan there is nothing

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed msyemf to be dependent on a plan, which involves expectations = dependence on future events = fiction of the mind

I forgive mysself that I have allowed msyelf to rely on expectations about my world - so that I dontr have to be bothered about a number of things

I forgive myself that i ahve allwoed myself to want to have expectations, out of fear of being right here - me =breath

I forgive msyelf that I ahev allowed msyelf to think that I need relyable expectations so as to be able to anticipate "danger" - so that I can avoid pain and or getting killed

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have intentions which involves expectations - so I fuck myself twice

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to participate in the mind as expectations and intentions

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyefl to have intentions - instead f intedning me- I will me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to intend to do something

I nforgive myself that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to intend to write something

I forgive msyelf that io ahve alowe dmyself to intend to say something