Monday, June 9, 2008

4

when I was at university I once with some friends - actually it had been my idea/initiative, - descided to have a drink party. My friends, now they were quite different from one another. Basically I had different kind of friends who amongst themselves would seldom relate to one another - so, I'd be the only 'link' between those people. So I brought them all together in the appartment of a friend - for me this was like 'good old times' when I'd meet up with friends with the sole purpose of getting drunk. At one point there were frictions between the different people, because they were not very acqainted with eachother - and I became an asshole, as I had had some drinks already (Whiskey), and I started to make a bit fun of T, who was already feeling quite uncomfortable in the presence of my other friends. The whole evening I had felt a bit frustrated already because H. would not be present - and I wanted to get drunk with her soo bad: for me getting drunk with my best friend was like the most beautifull thing.

At one point T. had enough of me and he stood up and left - afterwards telling me he felt too much 'bad vibes'. A bit previously at the party he had a little conflict with B - and this got me nervous, because B had raised his voice in irritation, because T had been asking hima couple times to repeat himself because he could not understand his accent. interesting, Actually B allways mumbled a bit - I do this too, and when poeple ask me to repeat myself i will either get irritated/angry or I will become anxious ans stutter while I repeat myself. For me this is an intimidating thing, to have to repeat myself because of someone not understanding me, because most times I feel that what I said ws bullshit anyway - I mean, in having to repeat myself I realise I'm talking pure crap and I fear being seen as stupid.

But anyway, T left - and nobody understood why, except me. But I was like: he's just being silly - he was actually having serious inferiority issues in presence of people - just as I did, but he was less intellectually armed and covered to hide this. then later that evening B lashed out on me, because he wanted to leave and had been forced to come up again, because the door was locked and I burst out in laughter because this was the thrid time that evening that someone who was leaving had to come for the key. But I didnt think it was particularly funny, really, I was just being a plain ass - just seeing this incident as an opportunity to burst out in laughter like an idiot - inside I didnt even expereicne joy, it was more of a presentation, "look at how much fun I have, look at how loud I can laugh - oh I am having so much fun." Then B smashed the keys down in anger and called us all imbeceils or something, because of the situation: us getting drunk like this together and making - me particularly - asses of ourselves. I immediately took up keys and placed them back in his hand, trying to calm him down: but again, I was very frightened because of his anger - I felt a cold rush inside as he raisd his voice and almost paralyzed from fear. So, when being drunk I would expereicne less fear of people - but when somebody geting angry directly at me, I'd be sober in an instant from fear.

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