ok - what did I expereince when facing maite after I had run away home and attempted suicide? She was on vacation - I had given her no consideration. When returning home, she found I was gone and in the institution. this is where I saw her for the first time after the incident.
When entering my room - in kortenberg - My parents where waiting there - I saw maite and I had not expected to see her. She was in tears and - she had been crying. So, I see her and I think i just gave her a kiss - like we do with family, greeting eachother. I was not ok with the situation. because I seemed to have forgotten that maite would have come along. I felt an enourmous distance between her and me - a part of me didn't undesrtand why she was sad. I didnt expect to have been able to hurt her. I had nothing much to say to her either. Suddenly this whole thing was abit too real for me.
Adele asked me if I had felt guilty about it. See - at one point I closed myself off from maite, and I think it was then. I didnt wanna know about what i had caused in her - I was affraid of it.
next time my parents went on hollyday and I satyed home alone, maite was the one to freak out before leaving. We heard her scream throughout the entire house and nobody could calm her down - even my dad went to talk - or whatever he did - to her and he told my mother that it was because of the last time she had gone away and not seen me, that suddenly I had done this thing while she was away and she only learned about it when she was back - so she apparently had a trauma from this. And my mother had understood the same. See, I was 15 and Maite was a girl of 11 or twelve years old - when i had run away.
another time, this was a few weeks or months after i was out of kortenberg again, i was sitting alone in my room and crying, extensively, and I was crying loudly I think, because Maite entered my room, carefully she opened the door and I said to her in a very harsh way: "go away!" Because I saw that she was attemting to ask me what was the matter, she was actually brave to enter my room and be vulnerable to ask me this and I basically said: no I will not be open with you - never again! I was too ashamed.