Friday, June 13, 2008

self controll

i Have looked for an apprtment to move out to, adn found something: a 'nice place' - but i feel I am being dishonest with myself in thios matter very deeply. I have no self-direction in this matter either, in terms of what I consider as a good reason to actually do it: to move out and go live there. There is my job involved - I fear to lose it everyday. today my 'boss' asked me: will you be there tomorrow? he could have asked this to me for any reason, but I immediately fear that he is planning to announce something to me, to discuss soemthing with me that they consider firing me - so, the startingpoint of me in this job is fokked already and then I wanna use this as a foundation to be able to live on my own! I am considering to say yes to the offer the woman who owns the apprtment made me, but I wanted to clear this mess up first and then see what I will do.

There is also my father involved. I constantly fear simply telling hima bout my plans, he will hear everytrhing from my mother. But to face this matter with him directly, I evade constantly - I dont know how to "announce this".

why do i fear I will get fired?

it feels like with having a job I have 'build myself soemthing to stand on' - to stand separate from my parents and their control over me.

I allways have had the impression that I cannot stand against BOTH my parents - they stand together and I am only alone, they have had the resources while I had nothing of my own

I forgive myself that I Have allowed myself to define self-controll as having money of my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self-controll as living on my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as having money so that I can dispose of my own life - 'do what I want ' without being restricted by my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define selfcontroll as having a room of my own

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as living on my own without my parents and without financial ties to them

I forgove msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as living 'op kot' (chambers) at university - outside of 'my parenst controll over me'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as going somewhere without my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self-control as a world without my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as secretly deciding to commit suicide - free from my parents and school controll over me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self controll as running away home - to escape the controll of my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed mself to define self controll as being alone with my friends without my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as being alone in the house with my parents away on vacation

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself tod efine self controll as being without my parents in the house

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as being in Kortenberg outside of myt parents controll

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think and believe the controll my parents have over me is real

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to think and believe that my parents actually controll me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as staying over with a friend without my parents even knowing what I am doing

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as being on summercamp without my parents being able to know what the fuk I am doing - assuming I am a 'good boy'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as doing something of which I know my parents would strongly dissaprove if they knew i was doing it

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as going to boyscouts with my friends and being a 'pig' - accoording to parents judgement: becomming dirty and speaking dirty language

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self controll as taking 20 francs or so with me every saturday to drawing academy - without my parents knowing it - so that in break time I can buy myself a bag of chips

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf tod efine self-controll as going to buy food ins store alone without my parents interfering

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as buying myself soemthing

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as being able to buy all the things I need with money I have worked for myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as leaving my parents house

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as not telling my parents where I go or what i will do

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self controll as being at school without my parents amongst my friends

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self controll as my parents knowing as least possible about me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as my parents not being able to reach me by phone

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self controll as going to live in an appartment - without financial support from my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as not having to ask my parents and my father especially for anything that I might need, because I can provide this for myself

I forgive myself that I have allowe dmsyelf to define self controll as my parents not understanding english and therefore they cannot understand what i wrote on my blog

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self controll as finally my father passing away or him just not existing anymore

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to define self controll as aw orld without my entire family

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self controll as having a job and an income to live by

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self scontroll in separation of me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to separate myself from self controll

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize and accept myself as self-controll that i am already

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to acknowledge self controll as myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed msyelf to live self controll as myself as me as all as equall as one as me

I forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to live myself as self controll as me - as all as equall as one as me

I forgive msyelf that i ahve anot allowed msyelf to realize that self controll is HERE as me - i am here - I am self controll

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