Sunday, June 1, 2008

sf after dinner

family - eating: dinner

problem: fear

I dont like dinner with family: why? - when little I had to eat, was forced to eat, even when I couldnt bear the sensation of a particular food in my mouth. why did they force me? I feel much guilt when for instance maite or leila dont like the food, my mom has prepared.

this makes no sense

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to blame myself for not liking my food

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyefl to think there is something 'wrong with me' because both my parents enjoy the food - but I don't

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelft o judge mlsyelf as being pathetic when I cannot stand to eat something

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being 'difficult' and a 'crybaby' when I cannot stand to eat something

I forgive msyelf that i ahve alowed myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear that if I dont finnish my plate, then my father will hurt me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to fear that If I dont finnish my plate, my father will get angry at me

I forgive myself that I have allwoed msyelf to fear my mother will get really angry at me if I dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my mother will raise her voice at me if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear I will be scared when my mother gets angry with me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelft to against my will finnish my plate out of fear I will be scared when my mother gets angry at me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear I will be scared when my father gets angry with me and look at me with anger, so I quickly finnish my plate , I become obedient

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be obedient to my mother out of fear I will be scared if she gets angry at me

I forgive myself that I ahve allowed myself to be obedient to my father out of fear I will be scared when he gets angry with me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to let me be controlled to eat and finnish my plate as my parents say, out of fear I will get puished and in this punishment experience enormous fear.

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to resent the food I eat

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to hate the food I eat

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think it is normal that I should finnish my plate because supposedly my mother loves me and went through the trouble of preparing this food for me

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to get angry at leila once, because I had prepared something and without even tasting, she immeiately threw a load of extra salt on her food

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to resent the very word 'food' - as being something disgusting and groteske

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to hate the very word 'food' - because I dont like to eat, but yet, I cannot controll myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to 'lose myself in the activity of eating' when sitting at the table

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to hate sitting at a table together with people for dinner

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to resent dinner

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to fokking hate - having dinner 'together'

I forgive mlyself that i have allowed msyelf to beciomle completely uncmofortable when somebody watches me while eating

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to rather eat alone, because I cannot stand someone seeing me eat

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoe dmsyelf to hate msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to despise msyelf while I eat

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to 'victimize myself' - having the tendency to want to victimize myself while writing SF

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being despicable

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of dirt

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowe dmsyelf to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of shit, when I dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to judge msyelf as being a despicable piece of dirt, when i dont like my food and complain about it - because supposedly my mother has made this 'for me'.

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think and believe that not liking some food and nbot finnishing my plate is deeply shamefull

I forgive msyeklf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think and believe and judge msyelf as being 'bad' for not finnishing my plate

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to eat out of misery

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoe dmsyelf to feel miserable

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think that i should hide the fact i feel miserable

I forgive msyelf that i have allowe dmsyelft o think and believe that when I feel miserable than I should better not make this obvious

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to think i must 'behave msyelf'

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoe dmsyelf to think I must be polite towards adults

I forgive msyelf that I have allowe dmsyelf to think and believe I must be polite towards my father

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i should 'keep my manners' while I sit at a table

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to fear my parents will be displeased about me, and will look down on me, if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to fear anybody looking down on me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyeflt o fear my mother will look down on me, if i dont finnish my plate

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to look down on this world and this reality, as I have been looked down upon

I forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelft to look down on children

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to look down on animals

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to look down on nature

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to look down on fat people

forgive myself that i have allwoed msyelf to look dwon on woman

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to look down on old people

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to judge this world as being a worthless piece of trash and in this judgement- refuse to stand equall to and with and as it

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge this world as being a despicable peice of fokking dirt - better I just forget about it, instead of standing up from it, as and within it.

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to enjoy imagining msyelf kicking the person in the back that walks before me on the stairs downwards

I forgive myself that i ahev allowed msyelft to enjoy imagining myself smashing somebodys head real hard againts the window in the train-coupon

I forgive msyelf taht I have allowed msyelf to enjoy watching people beat up eachother on television

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to enjoy watching a movie-hero for instance breaking somebody's neck - and have a kick out of watching this: yeah!

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