Tuesday, July 29, 2008

self-enjoyment

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self-enjoyment as playing with toys while sitting on the floor

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed myself to define self enjoyment as writing a novel - building a novel sentence by sentence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as designing a story for a novel in my mind - piece by piece

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as telling a story i have written to an audience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with toy guns and shooting them

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelkf to define self enjoyment as playing with my ninja turtles, with their little weapons and the ropes i would hang them on

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as holding the blue ninja turtle in my hand and putting his swords in his hands and placing him on the floor so he looks fierce and dangerous

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following the instructions from booklet when building a lego space-ship

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building a lego-spaceship piece by piece and see the result when it is finished

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego's in my room and playing war and star wars

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego red robots

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playiong with my lego-build robots that could do crazy stuff with their arms

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myselmf to define self enjoyment as building something with my hands - creating with my hands, trnasforming somthing into a different and consistent shape

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following instructions and builmd piece by piece my lego technics vehicels and cars an,d planes and helicopters

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my lego technics truck, and play with it when i had put batteries in it

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building the engine from this truck and see all the pipelines and how complicated this was

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making up / designing a story that i can play with my lego

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as building a wall from ice-blocks in the garden

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building this wall with pieces from the plastic shell that was frozen and throw water over the blocks so they woulkd freeze together

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the mud with my friend and making bread from the mud and with grass

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as dirty because i was playing with mud and an adult said this is dirty

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about the two kings and inventing this story completely and working on this

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as pondering which word would suit which description best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as having allmost reached the end of the story and knowing it will be finished soon

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as designing word by word a story - create a reality and in my mind imagine myself all these things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as running arace against my father

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as going for a bike ride with my father and following him

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with duplo blocks and building space ships that resemble star wars ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the duplo blocks and building myself weapons and preten,d i can shoot with them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i hold a light-saber like luke skywalker and fight with imaginary enemy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i have a gun in my hand and i shoot laser like Jan Solo

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be Sanggoku from Dragonball Z and shooting massive energy balls with my hands

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a warrior and having an armour and also i have the head of a panter and i can have long nails like a lion from my fingers

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a ninja warrior and doing fung fu or karate and having a long shiny sword - a black ninja

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as play Virtua fighter on computer and play with ninja

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define grace as playing with ninja from virtua fighter and see how he moves

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing virtua fighter against big boss

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to defiens elf enjoyment as fight against akira

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed myself to define self enjoyment as fight with Jeffry and take him to fight others

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with virtua figher on computer perform cool moves and move fast and kick hard the opponent untill he falls on the floor completely

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about this bum who lives on the street

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as placing msyelf in the shoes of this bump and see wht i would do in this or that situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the chinese man in virtua fighter because he kicks so fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing age of empires for hours

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing Guild wars on computer online for hours and make all the different missions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment playing car races on computer

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing monster trucks on computer and take a turn while slipping the road and going super fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as racing and riding first and doing my best to remain first so others can not get back at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my big lego robot and see the result - he was big and much higher than the rest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the plack lego roibot who had legs to walk and who i let jump like a dinosaur on others robots

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl enjoyment as playing with dinosaur i received from marissa and use him in combat with my turtles

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyel to define self enjoyment as playing with lego and with my mouth making all the specific and required war noices so that it would seem real

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imitaing the sound of lasers shooting from star wars, while playing with my spacecraft

i forgive msyelf that I hvae allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing tennis with glen and boris

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making a big point with tennis againts glen and his brother boris

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with badminton being able to reach far and return almost all 'balls'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the see on and in the waves and dive under the waves and let me be carried away by the powerfull wave

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being dragged along by a wave and rolling in many directions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as jumping from high plcaes like in a playground with chldrens wooden castels

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as entering and gliding in the big tube in plankendael

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking whiskey and getting drunk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being stoned and laughing unstoppably

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remebering somthing i thaught was funny

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remembering an event that makes me laugh again

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk and speaking in a loud voice and insulting people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking pissang and and being drunk and telling people to fuck off and laughing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as translating my tesis

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to defines elf enjoyment as doing research on the illuminati and conductying my investigation in books

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchin,g naked gun with leslie nielsen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymebnt as watchiong ace ventura with jim carey

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as hearing children laugh and yell and see them play

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as laughing when leila is around

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymenbt as looking at leila her face when i laugh

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching Hot shots on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchging a movie on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching a movie in vµcinema

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing magic cards

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with magic cards against leila

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching lord of the rings in cinema big screen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymentr as watching cable guy with ace ventura

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching dragon ball z on tv and see Freezer and Sanggoku kight and Vegeta

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as watching Vegeta fight and how fast they all move

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining msyel to be a warrior with a black panter head and many weopons and an armour

i forgive msyelf that i havea not allowed msyelf to see self enjoyment is here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not even know self enjoyment is here -as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment seperate from msyelf -

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to not enjoy msyelf for myself

i am self enjoyment here - self enjoyment is who i am

Saturday, July 26, 2008

pfffff

this moring i am so angry

when i see maite do or say anything i become angry - its like i hate her

pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf,

i forgive msyel that i ahvea allowed msyelf to judge msyelf

the anger still here

i allmost explode when making a typo

why am i angry?

its actually againts leila aswell, everyone irritates me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wish maite and leila didnt exist

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate the fact that maite and leila even exist

what could be going on?

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto hate them so much i could kill them

my head is sore and sinusses hurt - i cried a lot day yesterday i have no fokkingcluie whaty going on )- fok this

controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have tala do it my way with oregano, because i fear that if he tries something different it will go wrong and he will spill it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that i must be in control of every situation so that i can prevent things from going 'wrong'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hold on to my perceptions of control

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i dont have controll over a situation everything will go wrong and i will not get what i desire

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to manipulate situations and want to be in control of them so that i can get what i want/desire as an outcome i have set msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the outcome of things and thus want to be in controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i am not in control then i will die or i may die because everything can go terribly wrong

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seek control over situations

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to seek control over situations so that i can feel more safe

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i can controll if the mozarella spills or not

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to before i do something start stressing because it might go wrong and not as planned

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to stress because something im doing might go wrong or not as i plan

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become anxieous when people deviate from my plan, because i had imagined myself an outcome and expectations i created

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to 'stick to the plan' out of fear of all that can happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be addicted to the illusion of controll, like a junky

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be able to make all the descisions about what we do and what must be done

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as desciding to which store we go

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as desciding which route we take

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as choosing when we go to the store and when we eat and when we start cooking

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define control as choosing what we will eat a day in advance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as sticking to my job to see what will happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define being in controll as having all the money

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define being in controll as desciding if we go see batman or not or if we go home to make lasagna

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to only consider my personal selfinterest when making dzescisions for all

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to need to have it all my way - so that in the end my personal interest will be served

i forgive msyelf that i havea llowed msyelf to only consider my personal benefit

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from everything in believing there exist something as my personal benefit

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to believe persobnal benefit is valid

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to think and accept personal benefit as valid and as a ground to make descisions on for a group

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think much in advance and think everything over in detail as a means of thinking i am in control

i forgive msyel that I have allowed msyelf to define control as imagining msyemlf a situation i in real life have to face and anticipate what words i will use and what i will say and on what tone of voice, wht clothes i will wear etc

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

9

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat het leila niet uitmaakt of ik thuis ben of niet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mezelf te willen zien door de ogen van leila

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten zelf waarde definieren als waardig zijn om aan een meisje haar tafel te mogen gaan zitten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten zelf waarde definieren als waardig zijn om door leila leuk gevonden te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn bnag te zijn dat leila mij niet kan uitstaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn bnag te zijn dat mensen onverschillig tegenover mij zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten iemand noig te hebben die mij ziet en mij hoort

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten geirriteerd te geraken omdat maite zegt dat perfect circle precies een boysband is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten pissed te worden omdat maite naast mij praat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten kwaad te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten tegen maite te roepen omdat ze luider begon te praten en ik mij niet kon focussen en ikdenk dat het maite haar schuld was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealten toe te geven aan woede en te denken dat de irritatie die ik voel is wie ik ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten sf te schrijven uit de mind

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te storen aan maite

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te panikeren omdat ik bang ben om hele dag opgefokt te blijven als ik punt niet vind

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten kwaad te worden

ik vergeef mezaelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te luistreren naar mijn gedachten en deze serieus te nemen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan maite

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn gedachten en over mezelf te oordelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn stem

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn lichaam

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan leila die niet opstaat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat ik infereur ben aan leila, dat leila mij als inferieur ziet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat wendy aan de kassa mij als inferieur ziet als een niemand

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten bang te zijn dat Lore mij ziet als inferieur als niemand

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van leila en voor haar te willen bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van maite en voor haar willen bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van Lore en voor haar willen bestaan en mij altijd af te vragen of ze mij graag heeft of niet of ze mij tof vind of niet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te denkne dat ik minder ben dan Lore omdat zij een vrouw is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten nodifg te hebben dat lore mij aanvaard, dat ze mij opmerkt en aandacht heeft voor mij, zodat ik mij aanvaard zou kunnen voelen en ok

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te irriteren als ik zie hoe moe leila is en wanneer ze zegt dat ze niets verstaat van wat maite zegt en dat ze - leila - zich aanstelt en basically lui is en verwend

iik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten doorheen de ogen van iemand die mijn blog leest over mij te oordelen dat ik een debiel ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelatren doorheen de ogen van iemand die mijn blog leestr over mij te oordelen dat ik ik dom ben, achterlijk, geen inzicht heb en belachelijk en aanstellerig ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten iemand nodig te hebben die met mij ionetrageert en die op mijn vragen antwoord en aandacht voor mij heeft en die mij ernstig neemt

ik vergeef mezelf dat iuk mezelf heb toegaletn de mind ersntig te nemen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn alles moeilijk te maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeglaten snel te typen om mezelfg af te leiden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten kwaad te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten woedend te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn voor vandaag

ii vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb tpoeegaletn in de war te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn een ander te willen straffen voor wat ik ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn papa te willen straffen omwille van wat ik ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hegb toeegaletn iemand anders inferieur te illen laten voelen als straf voor hoe ik mij voel en mijzelf ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten hele dag in de maind te bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealketn mij te laten consumeren door mijn gedachten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te laten consumeren door mijn emoties

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn mij te laten consumeren door mijn gevoelens

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn smoregens maite en leila te willen wakker maken omdat ik mij dan goed voel over mezelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn smorgens leila te willen wakker maken zodat ik mij superieur voel aan leila

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelkaten maite wakker maken zien als superioriteit

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn maite en leila wakker te maken omdat ik controle will en omdat alles dan gaat zoals ik wil

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn controle definieren als maite en leila wakker maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn mij af te wcheiden van maite wanneer ik haar wakker maak - haar te zien als iemand anders

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn leila te zien als iemand anders wanneer ik haar wakker maak

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn te denken dat ik alles in de hand heb omdat ik maite en leila wakker maak

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te denken dat vandaag nutteloos word want heb weer pijn in darmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn mezelf te limiteren door en als de perceptie van pijn in darmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn bang te zijn voor de toekomst

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalketn zelfverzekerdheid definieren als door heen de ogen van lezer mijzelf zien als iemand die foutloos schrijft en efficient

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te lachen met vrouw op werk die haar agenda kwijt was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalketn bang te zijn om mijn gsm te verliezen met mijn telefoonnummers in van vrienden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalaten bang te zijn om emailadressen te verleizen

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

self-worth

i read a post from andrea where she linked being in a relationship to self-worth as a form of self-dishonesty

the mentionning of self-worth triggered stuff in me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i have no self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i am less than worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel i could only have self worth when another being accepts me in their presence as a friend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define selfworth according to being accepted by another being as a friend

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define selfworth as being somebodys best friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being friends with popular people and cool people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as having many cool friends that i can show off with

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define mys elf worth according to being friends with and accepted by Wibren in elementary school, because he was the most popular boy in the class and he was well known at school

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having this being as a friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having wibren as my friend, because of the extend to which i admired him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of N A because she wqants to be my girlfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worthy as being found worthy of something or someone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worth according to the amounts of lego i have, being worthy of such beautifull and great spacecraft and toys to play with

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as bing worthy of the biggest toys when sinterklaas would come

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as beingworthy of being accepted as a friend by bram

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by rob

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by thomas

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defines efl worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by helene

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by yelle

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth according to being accepted as a boyfriend by N A

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as liesbeth accepting me as her best friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a kiss on my mouth by a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as receiving a kiss on my mouth by katrien

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as having a girlfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth according to the amount of girls who fancy me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth seperate from me - to seperate myself from self -worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of the most beautifull girl desiring me as her boyfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of sex

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to definbe self worth as being worthy of touching the body of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to touch the vagina of a girl and masturbate her

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of touching the breasts of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth within a relation with a girl/woman

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must gain self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to deny msyelf self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think self worth is rubbish

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think about self worth

i forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to limit msyelf through anxiety because of what some people may think reading my blog

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see sf as work

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someon's attention and affection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someones tenderness and affection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl holding my hand

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to speak and be in the presence of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a girl enjoying my company

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a girl enjoying to look at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defines elf worth as people being pleased with my compnay

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as people appreciating my jokes

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being seenas funny

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being invited to an event with friends - being worthy of being invited

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defines efl worth as being worthy of someones attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of leila her company

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of joining the pf of desteni

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of knowing certain people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of knowing a famous person

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy of my fathers attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worth as being worthy of my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive money from my parents

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive clothes from my parents they buy for me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of the presents they bought me, the toys and stuff

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to live with my parents in their house

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy of having/ being provided with a job

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy to take a day off at work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to speak to my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a toy if I dare to enter the sea to swim

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having a girlfriend and being worthy of sex

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of physical intimacy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to embrace a girl

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as having studied four years at university so now i am worthy to earn money

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father driving me somewhere

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father providing for me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father looking at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father caressing me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a woman caressing my face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a woman caressing my face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl touching my body

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a womans sexual attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being owrthy of a guys sexual attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to penetrate a woman

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hold a woman and kiss her breasts

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to be spoken to by a woman/girl i deem beautifull and gracious and pure

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl holding my arm

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to indulge in this mindset that worth must be received from a source seperate from me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe worth even exists seperate from who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of seeing a girl undress herself infront of my eyes

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of seeing a girl undress and see her naked breasts

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep in the same bed than a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep next to helene

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep next to a guy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep in the bed with my parents when i was little

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to lie between my parents in bed

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to go to SA

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy to meet sunette and bernard and andrea in real life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my body

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of life and existence

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to have my own bank account

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of receiving the monney my father gave me every week before going back to university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father driving me to kortenberg every time

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy that something 'great and profound' happened to me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy do do my totem stuff with boyscouts

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with people who are older than me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with bram because he is older than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with bram V. and he apparently enjoying my compnay - this, because he is older than me

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having a profound and insightfull dream

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of people greeting me when entering chatroom

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive assistance from a dimensional being

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see dimensional being as something great and god-like

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of bruce lee asking me how its going

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having 'these cool friends'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a cigarette from a girl/woman

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth a sbeing worthy of a girls interest in me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy to go to university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of studying philosophy at university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to live with leila

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of sharing myself like this

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed mlsyelf to define myself as being worthy of being heard by someone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to be given any consideration at all

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someone giving me a thought

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy that people speak good about me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a new bike

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a new bike from my parents

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a camera from my father

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents spending their money on me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a present someone bought me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someone giving me anything as a present

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a mouth-harp from leisbeth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy of receiving this really expensice camera from my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of eating an expensive piece of meat my mother cooked and my parents bought

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of eating 'expensive food' in a restaurant while my parents are buying

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to go to Aquavelis in spain with my parents and receiving even a hamburger

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents paying for my stay in kortenberg which was quite expensive

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents paying my studies

ok with this monney crap i gonna continue in a different thread

Sunday, July 20, 2008

self-image

nasty,

ok, so: i went for a walk with leila and then i had sopme pain and remained sitting on the floor somewhere while she headed home. so, i had opprortunity for some sf - unexpected to myself (becasue while walking, the sf tends to be not clear cut to the point and somehow i wont often stop to take time for in depth sf)

there is this perception i have or need. "to exist for others as something." this "something" is is certainly not random, but, ok - i try again: apparently i see myself existing through others perceptions of me - suddenly this was obvious and also, in relation to this, how i wanted to be seen, what I wanted to mean for others, who i want to be in their world for them (in their perception)

like, a magnificent being, unique, amazing

when i had run away home when 14/15 it was much for me to cope with afterwards. because i had not taken much into consideration, when deciding i wanted to run away home and kill myself. i had to face my family again, they didnt undesrtood this at all and i couldnt explain, it was never talked about either - people just asked me how i was and i'd say "fine", because it was such a sensitive subject. the family was kind of disrubted by this; i think they were horrified in a way that me - gabriel - had done this, wanted this. because in the family i was considered to be such a perceft boy - good grades, talented, admired by my cousins and nieces, as i was the oldest, kind of an example - the first child of the family.

in my perception everyone was disappointed in me

especially my mother she didnt undsertand. when retruning home the day i had run away after being at the police and stuff, my grandfather stood at our door. as we walked up to him my mother burst into tears, i had never seen her so devastated - something inside her dropped, bursted, as if she fell inside herself. when we entered the house i escaped the situation, i went to my room in fear. i didnt know how to handle this at all. i didnt want to hear what they were saying about me, i didnt want to know about their grief.

another tile i was in kortenberg then already for several months, a cousin of my father came to pay us a vist, but he came from abroad and he had not heard about what had happened yet. we were sitting at the table and he asked me: so, how is school? and i panicked, because i couldnt imagine myself openly talking about what i did and why i was not attending school atm. so my father interjected and said he needed to explain something - and i hurried to my room again.

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not absolutely not want to forgive this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be affraid of how everyone will see me now, after i had wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to regret i ran away because of how everyone was affected by this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they saw me as selfish and spoiled and deranged

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear them seeing me as deranged and crazy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as an abomination because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I hav eallowed msyelf to fear they would be angry atme for doing this

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think this was utterly selfish and an abominable thing to do

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear facing that i wanted to destroy msyelf and by doing this being ungratefull to them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my family will think the worst of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to faer my mother will see me as ungratefull and selfish, because i didint consider her

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as scum and worthless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be horrified by what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to escape my family to never have to face them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone will blame me for what i did to my parents - such an ungratefull child

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my mother will see me as a horrible person

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear my father will see me as a horrible person, a selfish asshole and a bastard

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my father seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

see, when i returned home with my father after he had picked me up in brussels where my friends found me, i saw leila first in the hall and she came to me (7 or 8 years old) and sadly asked me: "why did you do this?" (i answered her "i dont know") then we embraced eachother and she cried and me too - she then simply told me father had been sitting at the table crying the entire evening. i had never seen my father shed even one tear, ever.

what killed me was i stood alone in this - me alone - facing EVERYONE. I couldnt escape in a sense but everyone spared me at the same time - nobody discussed anything with me, really, it was all unspoken of, the big taboe. i left all this to my parents to sort out and explain to all - i explained nothing.

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leile sees me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leila will see me as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon her

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon maite

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear my mother seeing me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik mijn polsen wilde oversnijden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat iedereen mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik thuois wa weggelopen en zelfmoord wilde plegen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat mama mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik wilde zelfmoord plegen een einde aan mijn leven maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik een einde eraan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten een einde eraan te willen maken en willen ontsnappen en verlost zijn van mijn leven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij doorheen de ogen van heel mijn familie mijzlef te zien als een lafaard omdat ik er een eide aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn moeder als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzelf te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zijn doorheen de ogen van mijn grootvader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vrienden als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van maite als een lafaard omdat ik zelfmoord wilde plegen en een egoist omdat ik haar in de steek had willen laten

ik vergeef mezelrf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mijzlef to oordelen doorheen de ogen van leila dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken en thuis was weggelopen

***

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge myself as weak through the eyes of my mother because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak becasue i wanted to commit suicide and judged msyelf as weak through the eyes of my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto judge msyelf as weak through the eyes of my family an,d my world because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak and see myself as weak through the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a loser because i wanted to kill myself and i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my fatehr judge msyelf as a loser - a complete loser and a weakling

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my sister judge msyelf as weak and a loser

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to throughj the eyes of my grandfather judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the weakest of the weakest because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf through the eyes of my cousins as a faillure and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i failed

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to give up on msyelf because i perceived i had failed in the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel consumed by this sense of having failed entirely and feel disappointed with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel disappointed in msyefl because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf, which i judged as a sign of weakness throughthe eyes of others

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to feel ashamed about msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel dead ashamed for what i did or what i wanted to do to msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to throw myself away

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of the men of my faimily judge msyelf as weak and a coward because of wht i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the lowest of the lowest because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to despise msyelf and hate msyelf because i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes despise msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyuelf to through the eyes of anthony judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through Freeks eyes judge msyelf as weak and a coward because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as eternally weak because i ran away home and wanted to end my life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being confronted with my family after i ran away, because i feared their judgement - my own judgementhat i was infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i was in a psychiatric hospital for nine moths

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak because i couldnt deal with my life

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to be seen as strong and courageous by the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to through others perceptions of me want to expereince msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to through maite's eyes want to see msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to through leilas eyes want to be able to define msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate msyelf from strength and define strenth as a perception - as how people perceive me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define courage as a perception, as how my sisters see me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strength as hwo i see msyelf through maite's eyes

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need my mom to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need my father to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes see msyelf as strong - in separation with me

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien strength as how my mother sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien stren,gth as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to define courage as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strenth and courage through the eyes of my surroundings, my world

i forgive msyelmf that I have allowed msyelf to not see that courage is HERE

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to see that strength exists HERE - as who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyefl to realize strength is here as who i am as the strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that i havent allowed msyelf to live msyelf as strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that I have not allwoed msyelf to recognize strength is actually who i am

i forgive msyelf that I ahve not allowed msyelf to realize me as all as equall as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf as all as equal as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyefl as all as equal as one as me as courage as the courage to live me

8

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as helpless when i dont undesrtand somehting immediately

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expereince anxiety when not understanding something right away

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i dont undesrtand somehting and then become all nervous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to panic when not undesraynding soemthing, especially when i see others do undesrand it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become anry when, i dont undserand something, why something just happended

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become angry when i dont undersatnd why something is happening to me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become irritated with msyelf when i dont seem to understand something

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear others have a faster understanding than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior when thinking another has a faster undserstanding than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as having a fast understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to another when understanding something faster than them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my father because i undertsand stuff he doesnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my mom because i undsertand stuff she doesnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people because i undseratnd philosophy and they often dont

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my family because i think i understand a wholme lot more than them, because for instance i read a lot philosophy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people at work, because i think/believe i have so much undseranding wcich they apperently have not - and thus when speaking, i speak from superiority and not onnes and equality

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my grandfather because i belive i undserstand everything much better than him, because i supposedly have a deeper understanding of things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to the people in my class when i would understand something and they wouldnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to other people at universsity because they couldnt understand philosophy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my father because i think he is dumb

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge both my parents as dumb and with no understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to credit myself for my understanding and feel superior towards other people who dont seem to have this undesratnding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to glorify myself becaus i think i undesratnd so much

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by matti because i perceived he undesrtood more than i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by bram because i perceived he understood more than i did

i forgive msyelf that i have allowe msyelf to feel inferior to weyember because i perceived he had vast amounts of knowlegde and understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by tala because i perceived he understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by chris because i perceived he understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by somone when they point out to me i didnt understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to find it intolerable when someone has to point out that i dont understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become angry within when somebody claims i didnt understand or see soemthing, or missed a point

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see understanding as everything

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to place my faith in understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to place my trust in undesrdtanding

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel bad when im the last one to understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel lost when im the last one to understand something - to then feel inferior and less than

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto see understanding as an indication of superiority

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to within my mind claim superiority through my understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat msyelf up when not understanding soemthing right away

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want to understand most of all the people, to have the most advanced and fastest understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as having the fastest understanding of all - so that i can feel good about msyelf within my mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to develop an enormous understanding of this reality - so that people would value me and rely on me for guidance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to equate understanding with leadership and power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that if i have a fast understanding and broad and insightfull knowledge i should be a leading figure in the world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to admire politicians for their understanding - and equate this understanding with their apparent power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see understanding as power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to thinbk if i have the most understanding ill have the most power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to assume politicians actually have any understanding at all

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that to gain positions of power and become powerfuill in this world one must have undesrtanding to be able to provide guidance to others

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to to want to blast peopel with my philosophical understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to blast people who read my stories because i percieve i place much understanding in it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to value knowledge based undesratnding more than anything and to have nothing else in my life

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to think i am 'my life ' and that m'y life ' defines me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to equate undesrtanding with power because i have seen this in school where teachers have power because of their superior undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and perceive teachers have a superior understanding

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel infinitely inferior to teachers because they apperently have such a superior undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel infinitely inferior to my father because of his undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to feel inferior to teachers because they have more knowledge than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to university professors because i perceived they had such a deep undesrtanding of life and existence

Friday, July 18, 2008

being 'nice'

i forgive msyelf that iu have allowed msyef to use others in being nice to them so that they will help me achieve my selfish goals in life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be a hypocrite

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to people when asking them to do soemthing for me - as a deceptive presentation of myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think there actually exist human biengs that are nice and kind and not act out of self-interest

i forgive msyelkf that I have allowed msyelf to think I am nice and kind and seldom act out of selfinterest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my mom so she willcontinue to take care of me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so he will continue having me in his house and support me financially

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work so i create an image of msyelf and they will not fire me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play an act of inferiority towards another by being nice - so the other feels powerfull and will indulge in my wishes because i boosted their ego

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to caress leila so she will give me the ashtray because i was too lazy to take it myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play an inferiority act to wards my father so he will indulge in my requests and wishes - because i make him feel powerfull

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to deceive others for my personal gain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to in full awareness manipulate another for my personal gain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people because i need something from them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think "ooh people are so nice and helpfull to eachother"

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not see this, because i do this all the time

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel used and set aside when leila asked me for the ashtrey when actually she was reflecting me back to myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so i can keep on living in his house

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my mother so i can keep on eating her food

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my boss at work so he wont fire me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work because i think at some point i might need them and then they will have the power to refuse me this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear at some point i might not get what i want

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my boss so he wil give me free days when tala is here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allways be nice to poeple in thier face but aftrewards think shit of them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to use powertactics to maniulate people in granting me what i need/want

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to give my boss the impression that im comfortable around him and that i like him, so he will grant me some days off when tala is here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers at school so they will let me pass

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be super-nice to teachers at school so they will not let me double my year

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers because they have the power to give me bad grades

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to the police because they have guns and im affraid of them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel powerfull when i talked to a policeman because now i have a bond with him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people out of survival, because i want things done from them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so he wont become angry with me and ask me serious questions wbout what the hell im doing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people so that no one will suspect i am actually selfish

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to actout of consideration for the little mind-me alone - the i need to survive-me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to act nice and friendsly towards my friends because in the future i might need them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice and friendly towards my family because i think i might one day need them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice and friendly to my neighbours because one day i might need soemthing from them and they might refuse this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to beings so they wont refuse me anything when i ask them something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be polite to beings so they will give me what i want

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be polite to my father so he will not be bothered by my presence in the house - and so i can keep living there

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to speak nice, look nice, smile nice and laugh nice, so that no one will never refuse me something - except if they really cant

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be very nice to my mom so she will continue preparing my food because i like it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be friendly towards my parents so that they would continue keeping me with them in the house and live with them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father and allways give him his way, so that one day he will have to go along with my wishes aswell

i forgive mlsyelf to allways say thank you aftyer someone did something for me , because i say this so that in the future they will help me again

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my friends so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my parents so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to only be nice to the people i fear and who have power, because they will help me survive

fear of losing controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel entirely heavy within

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to feel this is difficult

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to lose patience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must do something quick to relieve me from anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myslef to expereince anxiety before going to work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear what might happen at work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future, because tala is comming and father will be home and also a friend invited me for a party

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel helpless within this anxiety

i refuse

i am not this anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince anxiety before going somewhere were i have to meet people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear wht might happen when i interact with people - that i will be scared and feel insecure

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear insecurities

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exist in fear of all that can possily happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fea there will arise conflict when tala is here and it will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect the worst

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to this fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think anxiety prepares me and thus helps me in dealing with life and the unknownw

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the unknown because i fear i will not be in controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear losing controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be submerged by horrible expereinces i wont be able to direct

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i cannot direct msyelf at a point in the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will not be able to handle future situations

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be hijacked by events and i will lose all self-direction

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being overwhelmed whithin situations and expereinces and i wont be able to direct msyelf, but instead become a slave to the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future as fear of being controlled because of the inability to direct myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyef to think i can controll the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have a HOLD onto the future, by limitting my activities as much as possible to avoid unexpetced events and expereinces

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear bein controlled and directed by my mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being controlled by fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will die if i cannot direct msyelf if i have no controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that losing controll = death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear death and believe death means i lose msyelf - instead of seeing: everything is me and there is nothing seperate or more or outside everything - i remain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be tired of holding onto controll

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i MUST hold on to my illusion of controll so i wont expereince extensive amounts of fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe my illusion of controll protecs me from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I can hide from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have it all laid out, so that i can remain within the illusion of controll

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to see that there is and never has been any REAL controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need a perception of the future where i know i will be fine all the time and in this scenario avoid being confronted with my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince the future as something REAL which actually exists and that i have to take into serious account

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed me to see that the idea and perception of the future is nothing but a postponement of all my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize and see that in having this perception of the future i actually avoid dealing with the fears - because they are all HERE

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to ponder the future from a perspective of survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to worry about my survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear at acertain point i might become controlled by events and die

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define freedom as the mind with thoughts and feelings and emotions and memories and that if i die i will 'lose this freedom-expereince' which is actually an illusion

Thursday, July 17, 2008

self-disappointment II - SURPRISE

so marlen made this comment on previous post:

"reading here I see that I also was at sometimes experiencing something similar. Let's say that disappointment comes from having certain expectations of wanting to fulfill a desired outcome. Fear of failure, fear of 'not making it' but also the embarrassment that this could create.. well of course I don't understand dutch maybe you dug there, but see what we fear losing is ourselves as the 'ideal' self, the person we wanted to 'become' while achieving a desired outcome. thanks for sha ring"

the ideal self...

im gonna throw some words in here:

flawless

perfect

popular

trustable

someone who inspires confidence

giving the impression that i know what im doing at all times

(deedra said once "fake it till you make it" )--> well, that kinda puts things in the right perspective

i am in control of the situation

like the perfect male, lol

ok im gonna check jack sf on male ego -- brb

or no wait, let me first add this: projecting an image of self-confidence, at ALL TIMES - not showing fear or doubt

ok brb

yep -- http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno24.htm -- check this out, last paragraphes

riiiiiight

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to want to show to the world that I have confidence at all times, that I am in controll of situations by directing them to have them go my way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as the ego of the mind - so that everyone will believe -including msyelf- that i never fear or doubt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i must at all times show self-confidence as an act, by presenting msyelf as full of confidence by allways having the deepest opinion, the last word

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present msyelf as an image of confidence to hide msyelf behind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as the image others believe me to be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as allways being in controll of situations to allways want others to follow my idea, because i am a man and i know best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not want to do this sf and give in to the ressistance i feel because i fear losing this definition

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must becoma a real man and to become a real man i must show strength confidence and fearlessness, never show any fear or insecurity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to hide my insecurities behind an image of self-confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I AM this image of self-confidence - its an illusion and a dream

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think self confidence is managing to let others follow my lead

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self confidence a manipulating a situations so that everyone follows my lead or my idea

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want everyone to agree with my perception of things, because i am a man and i know a lot

i forgive msyelf to define confidence as maite and leila following my example - because this means i know what i am doing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need others to follow my example so that I would feel i take the lead and thus i have confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf with regards to this, because i could not keep up with this illusion-presentation of msyelf, people saw me fall of my bike for instance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present an image of muself as fearless and full of confidence so that people would not dare to attack me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in myself because I was dead scared because i was chased by guys in a car, and i 'ran for my life' - which is a disgrace to my ego-definition

i forgive myself that I have alowed msyelf to project an armour of confidence and allknowingness of msyelf - so that people would respect me and have trust in me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf because this car came driving by me as i was running my ass of and i judged msyelf as a chicken

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exart my anger towards Kenny - to infront of his friend prove msyelf and show him he cannot mess with me, by pushing him againts a wal brutally and unexpectedly

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to provoce kenny and teach him a lesson, because he called me a girl when i was walking the streets

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel bruised in my ego because he called me a girl on the streets everytime he saw me and i didnt dare to say anything back, because i was affraid to receive a beating from him or his many friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self-confidence as walking in the city with a 'beautifull girl' by my side, so that all the men may feel less than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as being seen with a 'beutifull girl' by my side so that all the men may feel less than me and inferior to me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as having agril by my side and walking the streets with her, and being noticed by many men

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as L asking me to take her hand so the guys would not bother her as we entered a street late at night

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as H putting her arm in mine while we walk the campus of university, so that all the men that see us would feel inferior and less than me

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as wearing a t shirt loosely without putting it under the belt of my pants (hemd in broek steken)

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as having long hair as a man and a beard too

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyemlf to defien confidence as wearing my trousers a bit lower than normal trousers, like skaters

i forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as ok i continue in dutch...

self-disappointment

interesting, as i progress in this sf i saw this: the disappointment is allways related to screwing up somthing or losing a game or falling on the floor by accident, (this are just examples) and being SEEN by other people while this happens. So, disappointment is related to seeing myself through the eyes of others - this being my self-image - and then something happens which is a disgrace o this self-image, which can only happen when others saw it happen, or when there are witnesses through who's eyes i judge msyelf

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf because i write in bad spelling often

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to be diesappointed in myself because when writing a paper for philosophy the professor said I make too many spelling errors

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be disappointed in msyelf because i didnt succeed at something

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to fear i will be diappointed in msyelf if i would have to die and reincarnate in a next life to start everything all over again

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf ...

ok i continue in dutch

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgetseld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik de laaste ben in lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn omdat way mij altijd als eerste beet toen we vampier speelden en dan was ik al helemaal uitgeput voor de rest van de speeltijd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik zo snel moe werd met lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik trager was dan de rest met lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik pijn/steken kreeg in mijn zij van lang te lopen, waardoor ik veel trager moest lopen als de rest

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mijzlef omdat mijn ketting van mijn fiest gevallen was toen ik was gaan fietsen met mark en eliza in de ardennen met hun vrienden - waardoor ik helemaal achterop geraakt was en de anderen bijna uit het zicht aan het verdwijnen waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat de pannekoeken mislukt waren terwijl ik aan maite beloofd had dat het in orde zou komen met het deeg

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat niemand mijn tekeningen nog bijzonder vond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaetn bnag te zijn om nog te tekenen omdat ik bang ben om opnieuw teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet even goed kon eteken even nauwkeurig als Bart van portaalschool

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet even goed en nauwkeurig kon tekenen als lander van portaalschool

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat Gerry zei dat ik moest stoppen met mijn veer (gom) te gebruiken omdat ik mijn tekening aan het verpesten was

ik vergeef mùezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik van de brug gevallen was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik met mijn voet in het net van de brug was blijven haken waardoor ik op mijn rug gevallen was op de grond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik katrijn heb laten zitten in kortenberg en gewoon ben weggegaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik niet tegen papa dierf te spreken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat yelle mijn verhaal slecht vond en het niet eens gans had gelezen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat segers mijn verhaal slecht vond en alleen maar het begin had gelezen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa niet echt enthousiast meer was over wat ik deed en mijn tekeningen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa mijn rapport niet eens wou zien toen ik in het derde zat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat een kerel al een boek gepubliceerd had een roman, en hij was even oud als mij en ik dacht dat ik nog niet zo goed als hem kon schrijven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten van mijzelf te verwachten om in twee/drie maanden tijd een roman te schrijven en dan teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik vast zat en niet meer wist wat schrijven en ik zat nog niet eens in de helft

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat celine mijn verhaal van de koningen niet zo goed geschreven vond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaetn te denken dat ik "goed" moet schrijven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzelf te beoordelen en over mij te oordelen door de ogen van anderen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat nico zei dat ik een parasiet was van de maatschappij omdat ik hem niet wilde helpen met een studiekring

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet zo goed en geweldig op de jembé kon spelen bij het kampvuur als ik dacht

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn toen ik met helene danste omdat ik niet zo goed of leuk kon dansen als ik dacht

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat een leerkracht zegt dat ik dit of dat eens moet proberen met mijn tekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat op de portaalschool de leerkracht mij geen speciaal compliment gaf voor mijn tekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef heb toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat niemand mij aandacht gaf omwille van mijn tekening, of ik dacht dat ik niet opgemerkt werd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te tekenen om aandacht te krijgen van anderen en opgemerkt te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgestedl te zijn in mezelf omdat ik op de grond was gevallen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn teleurgestedl te zijn in mezelf omdat ik van mijn fiest gevallen was voor mijn vrienden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf wanneer ik struikel en iemand heeft mij gezien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat iedereen mij gezien had toen ik dronken de jeugdherberg binnenkwam en ik moest direct overgeven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat tina mij geizen had en mij uitlachte toen ik uitgegleden en gevallen was bij de voetball

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn telmeurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat mijn ketting van mijn fiets gevallen was en ik hem er niet terug op kreeg en anderen konden mij zien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik omvergereden was door een tram en iedereen had mij zien botsen en vallen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik bijna mijn evenwicht verloor op de fiets van het postkantoor en mensen die ik kende hadden mij gezien en herkend

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn telzurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa mij zag roken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgested te zijn in mezlef omdat mama mijn sigaretten gevonden had tussen mijn sokken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat de buren mij konden zien roken dorr het venster

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik met een meisje gekust had en haar borst had vastgegrepen toen ik dronken was en beki en anderen hadden mij gezien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegfelaetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik samen met natalie appelmans was in kortenberg en ik vond haar lelijk en idereen wist dat we samen waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik geizen werd door mensen in leuven tezamen met Katrijn en katrijn was enorm verdikt en ik vond dat ze lelijk en afstotelijk was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn te denken dat iemand die dik is, lelijk en afstotelijk is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te denken en oordelen dat katrijn afzichtelijk was en er belachelijk uitzag

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgested te zijn in mezelf omdat ik N haar borsten gelikt had en toen ik het Wim vertelde vond hij dat vies

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat maite en leila mij zagen tennis verliezen tegen papa

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat Boris de broer van glen mij zag verliezen tegen glen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef heb toegaletn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik basketball verloor tegen kamillo op school en iedereen kon mij zien

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

beauty system = ugly system

this is a thread i will work on: beauty system

haha = it is a POLARITY

beautifull and ugly = simple

so sf on both these judgements on anything and everything

ME is all there is

ok wanna share this

when walking home from work i was seeing this:

that because i was seeing msyelf as part of private forum i would apparently make my process in this life = thus basing this on belief

then many fears came up related to this

having to come back in a next life because i didnt transced my fears, having to live a whole life again and do everything all over again - this made me cry

the other day i said to Loyd: "no one can take you away from you" but lol i didnt realise this for mySELF

how can someone or something take me away from me - when me is all there is?

7

ok yesterday i was downloading a vid but maite turned off the computer before it was done, because each user has their own session she had not seen it was processing on the other session

then i i finally am able to upload, but too long yoitube said

then i cut in Two, ok part one was up, now part two

what happens, Maite fokking comes by again, shuts down computer

i cannot deny i am very angry - yesterdya I was too and did sf and appenrtly coiught the point which seems to cause the anger

when i said to her i was processing and she shut comp down, she simpmly replied 'Oh, i didnt know'

in sf i bumped into "using ignorance as an excuse, so as to not take responsibility", and applied this to myself

now, second time, there is anger again..

now i just thought she was freaking STUPID - like how can she be so dumb as to make the same mistake twice? so shortly the one after the other?

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not learnn from my mistakes and when I see or realizae something not place this into immediate and consistent application

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to when sf not place msyelf in consistent application

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to timeloop over and over again because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to timeloop endlessly because of plain stupîdity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather be stupid than apply myself consistently and immediately without any compromise

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to within this process and self forgiveness fool around and sometimes "take a break"

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to be angry at msyelf and hate msyelf because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to write sf from self hate and self anger

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger and frustration

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to get frustrated within this process with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to immediately drop my realization because there still seems to be an easy way

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think consistent application is harder than taking a break

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have a perception that i can take a break from who i am - VERY INTERESTING

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear applying msyelf consistently and constantly within every singel breath

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not see the obvious when its in my face

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to be so dumb as to not even see the obvious when it is screaming me in the face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as dumb and stupid because of this

i forgive msyelf to beat msyelf up in sf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think "fok no i will NOT be gentle with myslef I desreve the HARD treatment"

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i dont deserve gentleness

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to rather be hard on msyelf than to even consider perhaps gentleness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allmost kick msyelf with sf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i shpould beat msyelf up because then i will have learned msy lesson, yeah

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to perceive that i can be only HARD with msyelf as if this is all I can EVER be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger every time and not from self-love and compassion

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to treat msyelf like a piece of shit, worthless crap

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be hard on msyelf because i think i deserve this

i forgive mlsyelf that I have allowed msyelf to punnish msyelf because i think that i will learn then, and call msyelf an idiot and stuff

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play msyelf down

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to hate msyelf because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to hate my own guts because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed mseylf to hate my own guts because of all that i have done

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hatev msyelf bnecause i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to hate msyelf because i never stood up for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate myself deeply and fiercly because i have never stood up for anything or anyone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i have nbever done anything to change msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i havev allowed msyelf to hate and resent who i am becvause i have not even tried to make a change

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making achange and never do anything and use fear and ignorance as fokking excuses

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate msyelf because i didnt want to see and i necver asked a hard question, only easy ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather have it the easy way than to face msyelf immediately and eternally

i forgive msyelf that I have adopted the idea that when i do soemthing wrong i should punish msyezlf by beating msyelf up about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to belieev that beating msyelf up actually helps me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe that i wont make the same mistake twice if i beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat msyelf up because i think that by doing so i wont make the same mistake twice

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making the same mistake twice because then i will be seen as dumb and so its better to beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat myself up at work when making a mistake, because i thin i ont do it again then

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to be angry at maite because she expereinced no anger towards herslef when she had screwed up the download

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to use anger to direct me and let me be directed by anger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed anger to direct me

i forgive msyel that I have allowed msyelf to lose myself within anger and let it become who i am

ok last cigarette, then work